Tag: Aries

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, January 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hide.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, Jan. 1

Stop, look and listen intently as a New Year dawns. Even though the Moon is in assertive, dynamic and fiery Aries, last night’s Mercury-Mars face-off as well as the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase may be making you see double this morning. While caution was definitely a key watchword in the previous 24 hours, a thaw seems to be in the cards as the Sun forms an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with beautiful, ringed Saturn (12:19AM PST) while the Moon forms a supportive, 60-degree tie to love-enhancing Venus (7:04AM PST) and the Moon also chimes in by making a mind-expanding parallel to giant Jupiter (10:23AM PST). Literary and educational pursuits look promising tonight – courtesy of a flowing trine of 120-degrees between the Moon and Mercury in fire signs (8:57PM PST). If you are feeling a sense of constraint and limitation and don’t know why, you may want to chalk it up to a close Jupiter-Saturn polarity – from early Taurus to late Libra – that will never reach an exact opposition. For the next two weeks, these two largest planets in our solar system will appear to be approaching a 180-degree connection, but they will fail to do so because Jupiter’s forward speed will start increasing more than Saturn’s pace as the latter slows down and gets ready for a retrograde station on February 7. Nevertheless, Jupiter and Saturn already opposed one another twice in 2010 and once in March 2011. Therefore, the near-miss they are experiencing now is welcome news for all of us.

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 01, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 31st

The year 2011 is now going to end – not with a whimper, but more likely a bang. The reasons are numerous. First of all, yesterday’s void lunar adventure in watery Pisces ends at 1:49AM PST this morning when the Moon enters fiery, assertive Aries. Thus, this last day of the year carries the essence of independent, forceful Ram-vibrations. Meanwhile, the Moon quickly unites with Uranus (3:29AM PST) – the radical-change agent planet that also stimulates liberation movements, one of the major themes around the globe during the past 12 months. Emotional storms as well as some partnership upheavals can coincide with a Juno-Pluto 45-degree connection (5:30AM PST). Later on, the best alignment today occurs when Mercury in Sagittarius forms an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with Chiron in Pisces (5:16PM PST). Hang on to these healing, revelatory and soulful energies as you may need them during the remaining evening hours. The key challenges tonight – which could short-circuit vital communications and coincide with some psychic meltdowns – come from Mercury squares Mars (10:07PM PST) shortly before the First Quarter Sun-Moon Phase arrives (activating 11 degrees of Capricorn and Aries at 10:16PM PST). Realize that a quarter-moon vibration is a square aspect of 90-degrees from Sun to Moon – when you primarily need to cut through obstacles blocking your path. Therefore, this year ends with Mercury-Mars and Sun-Moon squares – both of which are waxing in intensity or increasing in light. There is a clear message here that humanity needs to understand the esoteric message of experiencing Harmony through Conflict – the keynote of one of the seven rays associated with the seven colors of the rainbow linking heaven to earth. When you are making New Year’s resolutions, keep in mind that the first day of 2012 actually carries a much more buoyant and optimistic tone than the last 24-hour time-period of 2011.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Dec. 30th

Learn to roll with the psychic punches as the Moon parallels Uranus (12:05AM PST) while the Moon in Pisces squares Mercury in Sagittarius (1:41AM PST) and the Moon opposes Mars (5:39AM PST). These three aspects may not be the most important ones in the astrological deck, but as a trio, they can shake up the status-quo this morning. In addition, the Moon-Mars polarity starts a fairly long void lunar cycle that lasts until 1:49AM PST tomorrow when the Moon will enter fiery Aries. Therefore, most of today’s activities take place with a Moon in uncertain terrain and meandering in the last sign of the zodiac. This can be helpful if you want to retreat from the maddening crowd and restore your soul-personality alliance via meditation and reflection. Productivity across the board can still rise – thanks to the monthly Moon-Ceres union at 2:31PM PST. This lunar rapport with the largest asteroid doubles as a support for changing your diet along better nutritional lines. Be more nurturing to maternal figures, children and pets in your family circle. Get extra rest tonight as the last day of 2011 appears to be a humdinger and not of the most exalted kind.

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

  • Annie B. Bond

‘Tis the season to make New Year resolutions–and to break them just as quickly, at least partly because the very language of most resolutions (“I will lose weight! I will stop smoking!”) is punitive and belittling to the soul. But our horoscope sun-sign can point the way to a life-affirming resolution your spirit can really get behind.

These resolutions speak a powerful, positive language that our spiritual selves respond to, in accordance with what is best in us, and working hand in hand with our deeper purpose in life. Find out the affirming resolution for your sun-sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I will allow my courage to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I will focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I will share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I will trust that my sensitive heart is continually nourished by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I will know that my vital imagination is the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I will give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I will create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I will rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I will speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

 

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I will begin behaving as if my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

 

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I will be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

 

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I will believe that my deep intuition is a benefit to all my relations.

 

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, December 27th

We are eager to express our thoughts because information flows more freely now that quicksilver Mercury has regained its normal speed since its recent retrograde. Additionally, mental Mercury joins the karmic North Node of the Moon, deepening current conversations by connecting them to important issues from our past. The Moon’s supportive sextile to Mercury elevates the importance of subjective emotions and encourages us to share our feelings.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Although you might bump into resistance when sharing your plan today, your thoughts could be so intense that you end up revealing more than is necessary. It’s not that your ideas are too controversial to talk about; it’s just that you would be better off taking more time to develop them before involving others. Fortunately, waiting until you’re ready will improve the chances of getting others to support your plan.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your good intentions should carry you far today, but reaching for the stars isn’t enough to ensure that you’ll get there. You are eager to meet your obligations, but things could get complicated if you ignore important details. Don’t just push your way forward without a sound plan; paying careful attention to how all the little pieces fit together enables you to accomplish more than you expect.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your enthusiasm can fuel a conversation today, enabling it to go off in many exciting directions. You are eager to participate in dialogues that explore the possibilities before you, but it will take more than dynamic interactions to make the best ideas take shape. In fact, too much talking might be a tricky way to avoid the reality of how much work you must do. Don’t let your overactive mind hijack your day; manage your obligations so you have time for physical activities, too.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You aren’t sure of how much you need to divulge today because you don’t want to scare off your best allies. Although your story could be compelling, it may be too intense for some of your colleagues to handle. Don’t just make a one-size-fits-all announcement; instead interact with each person on a one-to-one basis. It’s more sensible not to say any more than what is necessary. Be cautious and save the full disclosure for when you’re sure that the time is right.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Someone can teach you something very important now, yet it’s challenging to let the message come through if you believe you already have the answers you need. You could miss an opportunity to make a breakthrough in a relationship if you’re unwilling to be vulnerable. Fortunately, today’s lesson will likely be gift-wrapped and sugar coated because the Moon joins sweet Venus in your 7th House of Others. If you become aware of your own resistance, consciously soften your stance when engaged in a conversation.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Your ruling planet Mercury is in the spotlight today, prompting opinionated interactions with colleagues. A relationship that has been limited to the workplace may cross over the line and begin to transform into a real friendship. Don’t put up artificial barriers; just allow the conversation to flow naturally and deal with any emotional issues as they arise.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s not easy to express yourself spontaneously today, especially if your role at work requires you to keep your personal feelings to yourself. Fortunately, you may discover that you can share your inner process with an acquaintance, but you need to be selective or you’ll end up wishing that you didn’t say anything at all. Don’t expect too much at first or you’ll be discouraged. If you are committed to sharing what’s in your heart, things should get better once your workday is done.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be feeling very private today about your future plans, so it’s wise to keep thinking about what you want to do before sharing your thoughts with anyone else. It isn’t that you’re afraid of what someone might say; it’s just that you still need time to contemplate until you know how you truly feel. Don’t allow others to talk you into disclosing anything before you’re ready.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may be too eager to adjust your schedule if something comes up that seems important. However, canceling an existing appointment at the last minute could create problems, rather than solve them. It’s not wise to act impulsively if your decision involves others. Before you decide on a new course of action, consider the impact your behavior will have on everyone else. If it still seems urgent, go ahead with the necessary changes.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be unclear about your current financial picture, which could lead you to make a bad decision today. You might have made a mistake while calculating an account balance or, perhaps, underestimated the cost of a large purchase. Confront the issue promptly by getting all your facts straight first. It doesn’t matter if a money problem is big or small; it will be more difficult to handle if you don’t take care of it now.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may have an exciting vision that you want to share with your co-workers or friends today. You assume they will hear you out and support you as you strive to fulfill your dreams. However, it’s important to realize that your current disclosure needs to be an all-or-nothing one; you won’t be able to get away with sharing only part of your idea. There’s no room for secrets now, so make sure you have all the data necessary to tell your whole story.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your enthusiasm about your career can be quite contagious today, but you could alienate others if you get too carried away by all the possibilities. Thankfully, your clear communication is able to bring out the best in others now. However, there’s a fine line between the power of positive thought and the danger of blind optimism. Tempering your rosy outlook with realism should be enough to prevent problems in the next few days.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Your Love Horoscopes for the Week of December 26th

Creating harmony in relationships, both new and old, can be difficult in this last week of 2011. Amorous Venus in freedom-loving Aquarius wants to experiment while passionate Mars in practical Virgo prefers to stick to familiar patterns. Flexibility is needed to maintain peace and end the year on a happy note.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Rest up on Friday night while the Moon is visiting your sleepy 12th house, because it’s firing into your sign early on Saturday morning and turning up the heat in your personal life. You’re hungry for new experiences and are not likely to be thrilled by a traditional and totally predictable New Year’s Eve. Do your best to avoid pushing reluctant individuals to make changes, because they might push back even harder. A less aggressive approach allows others to compromise and meet you halfway.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Friends can warm your heart on Thursday and Friday with the sweet and tender Pisces Moon’s presence in your 11th House of Groups. But you may either be too tired, shy or disinterested to be a hardy partier during the rest of the weekend. A lunar transit in your ultra-private 12th house could have you sitting on the sidelines, or you may simply decide that quiet time with a few trusted people is the best way to ring in the New Year.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Fast talking is fun this weekend, but there’s a risk of rubbing someone the wrong way on Saturday night. Your chatty planet Mercury crashes into a stressful square with combative Mars, which can turn a minor difference of perspective into a major fight. If you’re irritated or impatient, take a break and consider whether you want to argue about a petty detail that can make the night memorable in the wrong way. Your best move might be to smile and shake it off or, if that’s not possible, simply walk away.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You can cuddle up in the comfort of sweet feelings on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday with the Moon swimming in sister Water sign Pisces. But the mood and tempo change on Saturday morning with a lunar shift into impetuous Aries. If you’re ready for a raucous time, you will love the high intensity atmosphere. But if you don’t like to be rushed in the pursuit of pleasure, seek out the company of quieter folks who are happy to slip away to someplace more private.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The Moon rockets into rambunctious Aries on Saturday to put some passion into your weekend. You’re looking for a lively partner and exciting experiences to ring in the new year. Sticking to the usual routine is not likely to be your idea of fun, so make this a time to experiment. Just don’t let unnecessary impatience, a petty disagreement or elaborate plans dowse the fires of discovery that are driving you. Maintaining your generosity of spirit and wicked sense of humor enables you to shine as the life of the party.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Relationships might be especially complicated this week. The Moon’s presence in peaceful Pisces and your 7th House of Partners brings some tender moments and spurs romantic dreams on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. But then a lunar transit into impatient Aries and your 8th House of Deep Sharing on Saturday morning can detonate some emotional bombs. This could be amazing if you’re ready for passion, yet it requires your willingness to take risks to fully enjoy it.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Things are heating up just in time to celebrate the New Year. The mood-setting Moon enters fiery Aries and your 7th House of Partners on Saturday morning to provoke excitement and increase your readiness for new experiences. It helps to have a dynamic partner who is ready for anything to join you in riding this rising wave of passion. Whether you’re into it for one night or for eternity, there are few limits to how far you’re willing to go. Have fun exploring new territory, but don’t get too close to the edge.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You could have a delicious time this week with the imaginative Pisces Moon’s visit to your 5th House of Romance on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. It seems like you can turn fantasies into reality, giving you the surreal feeling that you’re starring in a movie. Promises made and expectations raised encounter a stiff dose of reality starting on Saturday morning. If you’re disappointed over the weekend, don’t allow it to lead to a petty fight. It’s wiser to let go and head in a new direction than to get dragged into a conflict where no one wins.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The Moon blazes into incendiary Aries on Saturday morning to raise your emotional temperature for the weekend. This lunar transit could ignite instant fires of passion in your 5th House of Romance. Falling in love with someone new can happen in an instant, but your need for fresh experiences might put some pressure on an ongoing relationship. Whether you’re celebrating with a partner or friends, incorporating elements of surprise could do the trick. Work your magic and create some new rituals for the New Year that everyone will enjoy.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Entertaining within your comfort zone might be your best bet for New Year’s Eve while the independent Aries Moon visits your 4th House of Roots. Whether this means celebrating with old pals at your favorite watering hole or having people party at your house, it’s important that you feel comfortable. If you’ve been the host in the past, try making the event a little different this year by adding some surprising elements. In fact, a quiet evening alone enjoying some rest and relaxation might sound like the best idea of all.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Don’t let your head get in the way of your heart this weekend. Although this is a time to cut loose and have fun, your analytical mind could get stuck on a subject that becomes contentious. Word games are fun and you enjoy playfully sparring with clever people. Just be smart enough to notice when you or someone else is getting close to the edge of discomfort. Your “live and let live” attitude is an antidote to this potential for conflict. However, a bit of sensitivity keeps the emphasis on fun.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might want to celebrate the New Year early with the Moon’s presence in your magical sign on Wednesday night, Thursday and Friday. Your emotions may be strong, but your compassion and imagination make this a special time. A lunar shift into impulsive Aries on Saturday intensifies the rest of the weekend with an edge of excitement and a sense of danger in the air. Unless you’re in a risk-taking mood, seek out the safety net of reliable people and predictable places to find your fun.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, December 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won’t be the first time, either.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • Annie B. Bond

 

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of rodents.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will seek out new life, and new civilisations. You won’t find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid yodelling today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Just In Time For The Holidays – Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

Your Horoscope Healthy Foods

  • Annie B. Bond

Modern science has recently confirmed that the time of year in which we were born can give us valuable information about our health, and serve as predictors for certain conditions. But ancient wisdom has always known that our sun sign can suggest foods which are best suited to us and that can keep us feeling vital and healthy.

Our horoscope can also explain some of those odd food cravings that we sometimes get! (For example, a friend’s son has craved grapes, cucumbers, and black olives since he was little. Can you guess his sign?)

Find out which foods are perfect for your horoscope sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19:Red fruits and vegetables, garlic, ginger, leeks, onion, radish, rhubarb, tea.

Taurus, April 20-May 21:Almond, apple, apricot, beet, cherry, ginger, peach, pear, plum, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry.

Gemini, May 22-June 20:Celery, endive, ginger, mushroom, pomegranate, tangerine, seeds.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Cabbage, cauliflower, cucumber, endive, grape, lemon, lentil, lettuce, melon, mushroom, olive, papaya, potato, pumpkin, seaweed, turnip, watermelon.

Leo, July 23-Aug. 22:Almond, chestnut, corn, date, ginseng, grape, grapefruit, lemon, olive, orange, pineapple, rice, walnut.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Almond, barley, beans, celery, fig, hazelnut, millet, oat, pecan, peanut, pistachio, pomegranate.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22:Almond, apple, apricot, artichoke, asparagus, beans, cherry, chestnut, chickpea, fig, grape, lentil, parsnip, peach, pear, pea, plum, pomegranate, rhubarb, strawberry, wheat.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21:Artichoke, asparagus, carrot, garlic, ginger, leek, onion, pepper, pimento, pomegranate, pumpkin, shallot.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21:Almond, apricot, asparagus, buckwheat, chestnut, endive, leek, lime, olive, rhubarb, spinach, strawberry, tomato.


Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Barley, beet, potato, spinach, root vegetables.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18:Almond, beans, endive, hazelnut, pecan, pistachio.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Coffee, mushroom, seaweed.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Your Horoscope Story

Your Horoscope Story

  • Annie B. Bond

Most of us know the image associated with our astrological sign: the crab for Cancer, the archer for Sagittarius, the scales for Libra.

But do you know the story behind those images? What does Scorpio have to do with the hunter Orion? Who is the Virgin in Virgo? Why does the goat in Capricorn often have a fish tail? Find out the answer to these questions and more: behind each horoscope sign there is a fascinating myth.

Find out the story behind your sun sign, and what it reveals about your inner nature, here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: One ancient Greek story about the constellation of the ram says that the wine god Dionysus and his retinue were wandering in arid Libya, and found themselves without food or drink. The god caused a miraculous ram to appear alongside a spring and the beast was later placed in the vault of the heavens, near watery Pisces. The ram was also the disguise of the god Pan when he courted the moon goddess Selene. Lively, enthusiastic, fearless, stubborn. Confidence, forward movement.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: The god Zeus took on the form of a bull in order to seduce and abduct the Phoenician princess Europa. Ancient Egyptians revered the bull for bearing the body of Osiris. Faithful, thoughtful, loving, persevering. Determined, loyal, practical.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: When Leda, the Queen of Sparta, was seduced by Zeus in the form of a swan, she laid two eggs. In one were the twins Castor and Polydeuces. These boys amazed everyone with their goodness and valor. One was born immortal, the other mortal: they preferred ultimately to be united together in death rather than be separated so they were placed together in the heavens as stars. Talent, intelligence, humor, eloquence. Strength, bravery, flair.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: The goddess-queen Hera sent a crab to harass the hero Hercules as he was struggling with a monster. The little creature was crushed to death in the struggle, but the queen of the gods set the crab, in appreciation, among the stars of the heavens. Home-loving, emotional, private, creative, complicated. Sensitive, intuitive.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: This lion–the Nemean Lion–was the miraculous offspring of the Moon Goddess, Selene, and Zeus. It fell to the earth from the moon, and was so tough that no weapon could pierce its pelt. After defeating it with main force, the hero Hercules ever after wore its skin. Grandeur, ambition, pride, power, generosity, expansive, dignified, successful.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: This sign is related to the divine star maiden, Astrea, who bestowed her blessings on humankind. The gods rewarded her sweetness by placing her in the night sky as Virgo. Exacting, intelligent, honorable.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Libra is the night house of Venus. It is related to the constellation of the Scales, which represent divine justice, particularly in the person of Themis, who was a Titaness and aunt of the Olympians. Interestingly, though, the earliest Greeks called this constellation “the claws.” Equilibrium and balance. Fair mindedness, balance, optimism, kindness.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: The goddess Artemis sent a scorpion to sting the hunter Orion in punishment for importuning her. Both hunter and scorpion were placed in opposite sides of the night sky; thus Orion fades when Scorpio shines. In ancient Egypt, the constellation was associated with the benign scorpion goddess Selket, who presided over the important mysteries of marriage for the living, and over the embalming of the dead. Confidence, intensity, sensuality, forcefulness, secretiveness, deep thinking.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sagittarius is a centaur, half-horse, half-man. The centaur Chiron was the wisest and noblest of creatures, who taught many great heroes. A poisoned arrow accidentally wounded him, and his memory was honored by the gods by placing him among the stars. Forthrightness, vigor, prudence, wisdom, courtesy.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: The goat-footed god Pan took the goat as his symbol and turned himself into a goat-fish to escape the monster Typhon. Capricorn was also the female goat Amalthea, who nourished the infant Zeus. Determined, distinguished, serious, headstrong. Ambition, practicality, reserve.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: This sign is associated by the ancient Greeks with the young Trojan prince, Ganymede, who was kidnapped by the king of the gods and became a sort of servant, pouring water at the gods’ feasts. Innovation, spontaneity, creativity, scientific curiosity, altruism, idealism. Open mind and open heart.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: The image for Pisces often shows two fish connected by a cord. These are Aphrodite and her son Eros, who changed into fish in order to swim away from an attack by the monster Typhon. Sensitive, emotional, fluid, and relaxed, intelligent and intuitive.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…