Tag: AQUARIUS

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 12

     the daily humorscope     

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aries              (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Taurus              (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer.  The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini              (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.   
Cancer              (June 21 – July 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it.  Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Leo              (July 23 – August 22)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.   
Virgo              (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet.  Remember: it’s OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Libra              (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles.  After that, trust no one.   
Scorpio              (October 23 – November 21)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold.  Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names.  Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light.  Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe.  (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Sagittarius              (November 22 – December 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously.  Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Capricorn              (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems.  You will call it SchizoSoft.  Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Aquarius              (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you.  This is a good time to be afraid.   
Pisces              (February 19 – March 20)
Your requests are being ignored.  Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, June 10

We’re able to perceive very subtle messages today that we might otherwise miss, but being so sensitive can also create problems. The psychic Pisces Moon makes it difficult to tell if we are imagining something or if it is real. We may feel socially awkward as the Moon’s midday square with sensual Venus magnifies our desires. Nevertheless, we’re still inclined to act before we think as clever Mercury forms a magical quintile with impulsive Mars.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You had your heart set on doing something fun with your friends today, but as the time draws near, you might feel like bailing on your plans and taking some quiet time to contemplate your future. However, the universe encourages you to be more socially active now. Whatever happens, don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. You can still find peace of mind as long as you pay attention to your own feelings, even in the midst of a noisy party.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You may resist sharing your feelings because you don’t want your friends to think that you’re being negative. Maybe you’ve been waiting for the right moment to tell everyone what’s on your mind, yet it never seems like a good time. You might be annoyed today that you haven’t spoken your truth, and it is tempting to blame an outsider. Instead, take full responsibility for your emotions and express them without pointing your finger at anyone else. Others will appreciate your integrity once you’ve cleared the air.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are extremely susceptible to whatever your friends and family tell you now. Although your desires can be quite different from other people’s expectations, you don’t want to create a scene over a petty disagreement. However, your frustration may turn to anger if you decide to do what someone else wants rather than following your own instincts. It’s certainly smarter to get your feelings out into the open than to let them stew in resentment. The sooner you share what’s in your heart, the better.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Your dreams are too big to keep hidden now and you might continue feeding them with your fantasies all day long. Unfortunately, your vision is too idealistic to  integrate into your everyday life in a practical way. Nevertheless, your mental meanderings serve a definite purpose, encouraging you to explore all of the possibilities before you and all of the magic within. Allow your imagination to wander today; you never know where it will take you.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You seem to know exactly what to say and your words have a positive effect on others today. But even if you have a solid plan, you are likely to ignore it once a conversation starts. Stay in the present moment now rather than trying to follow a particular script. Step boldly into unknown territory, but beware that you probably won’t end up where you expected.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s challenging to concentrate on the details in order to make certain that what you’re working on today doesn’t fall apart. But you might be trying to exert too much control over things that just don’t matter in the long run. Instead of wasting time attempting to control external events, you’re free to focus your attention anywhere you want. Establishing sensible priorities now enables you to make progress more than anything else.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your overly dramatic attempts to convince your friends how efficient you are might backfire if you try too hard today. You are more likely to make an error in judgment now if you act under pressure. Adopt a more laid-back approach so you don’t appear desperate. Give yourself more time to finish your work and don’t worry so much about what others think.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It’s nearly impossible to know how you will react if a close friend brings a complex problem to you today. You really want to be supportive, but might discover that your eagerness to help quickly turns into resentment. Process your frustrations before they manifest negative consequences. Trust your instincts; you are more brilliant now than you realize.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may want a quiet day at home, away from your regular responsibilities. However, even if you attempt to schedule your weekend so that you have plenty of downtime, don’t be surprised if you end up taking on more than you planned. Compassion, rather than ambition, motivates you to help a family member, friend or even someone you don’t know. The more you give, the more you get.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your sixth sense is highly active today and it can be startling at first if you suddenly realize something that you haven’t yet been told. Remember that your regular rational approach won’t work now because you may not be able to explain your current insights. Instead of putting up defenses because you feel uncomfortable, stay open to the waves of intuition flooding your awareness. Don’t question this magical process; instead, act on a hunch as if you believe it’s true.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be annoyed with someone who doubts the wisdom of your choices because it feels as if your core values are being questioned. Normally, you can stand up for yourself, but words seem to fail you now. The harder you try to make your point, the more flustered you are today. Take a few steps backward so you can regroup and then state your case. Defend your decision and let your performance stand on its own merit.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might be happier today if you don’t have too many prior commitments on your calendar. Naturally, you won’t be able to avoid certain responsibilities, but the less you have on your schedule now, the better. Just remember this isn’t about being lazy; it’s about staying attuned to your own internal clock rather than conforming to everyone else’s agendas.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will realize that it’s impossible to truly “control” anything, even yourself, and that the best you can hope for is to have some “influence” over yourself and your surroundings. This will make you feel better, before the pink slip arrives.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Good day to avoid pickled herring.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Saturday, June 9

We know what we want, yet our clarity fades as the Moon leaves futuristic Aquarius and slips into slippery Pisces at 3:21 pm EDT. We are confused, even by simple problems, especially when the Moon joins nebulous Neptune this afternoon. We are lured further away from the facts when we’re tempted to tell stories and share fantasies. Meanwhile a complex septile between bombastic Jupiter and electric Uranus reveals a surprising twist of fate.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You think that you have a handle on the events of the day, but you’re viewing reality through a very optimistic lens. Your certainty is misleading to others who take your words at face value. Be fair to all involved by acknowledging your disorientation today before creating additional trouble. Your happiness depends on your ability to be honest with everyone, especially yourself.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’re currently concerned about losing your practical approach to finances or misplacing your good judgment about meeting responsibilities. Although you realize that your perspective is a bit off today, you still might not make the best choices. Ultimately, fuzzy thinking can weaken your position, so steer clear of unnecessary debates for a while. Putting off significant decisions for a few days is wise because you need additional time to clarify your goals.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your vivid imagination is in overdrive today as every separate event sparks cascades of unconventional fantasies. Enjoy the show, but be careful of becoming so entranced by the distractions that you begin to think that your flights of fancy are real. You might not want to stop daydreaming, but you can simplify your life by keeping the visions to yourself for now.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You might mistakenly assume that your plan is worthwhile as long as you’re receiving approval from someone else. A close friend may complicate your life by trying to change your mind while you’re in the middle of resolving an emotional dilemma. Unfortunately, others cannot understand how deep your feelings really run, especially if you don’t usually share your innermost process. Keep your best ideas quiet for another day or two until you’re more confident about where you stand. Evaluate your own priorities by listening to your heart.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Everyone seems a bit out of it today, but their vagueness says more about you than others. Although you are working harder these days to gain more clarity in your life, the truth still seems elusive. You tend to overcompensate by limiting your delusional thinking, reducing your own creativity in the process. There’s no need to be too judgmental. When you become more accepting of yourself, everything else will appear more positive, too.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may be feeling befuddled as you go about your chores today, but you’re struggling because you aren’t sure of your current role. Even if you have enduring routines, things are changing in ways that are difficult to understand. Instead of wasting time listing all the pros and cons of your situation, drop the analysis for now. Just show up and do what’s expected of you; set aside the major decisions until you’re more certain about where you want to go.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Although you might have a specific agenda when you wake up today, you’re likely to shift directions as the day unfolds. Trying to hold your focus grows increasingly complicated and can lead to frustration unless you’re willing to reconsider your goals and reinvent your strategy. However, even if you’re able to see into the future now, wait a few days until your feet are back on the ground before implementing anything new.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are happy to remain in motion today, yet you’re secretly unsure that you will have a place to stop and rest later. However, your best friends might not even notice your anxiety, especially if you believe that you’re doing others a favor by keeping your needs quiet. After all, sharing your feelings now would only complicate your life. But don’t blame anyone else for a lack of support unless you’re willing to disclose more of your emotional process. Confiding in someone you trust might ease your mind more than you think.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may be quite sentimental about your memories today as a current experience reminds you of a forgotten past event. Unfortunately, nostalgia isn’t emotionally fulfilling now, so you might look forward to the big changes ahead. Think before you speak, and be careful that your outspoken approach doesn’t hurt an old friend or lover. Ultimately, letting go of the past allows you to move freely into the future.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

A discussion with a close friend can be very fulfilling today. Normally, you’re attracted to practical conversations that can help you along on your journey through life. But now you’re more interested in sharing your fantasies with someone who won’t judge everything you say. There’s no reason to feel guilty about your desire to escape from reality. If you can let yourself go, you will return to your chores refreshed and ready to work.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

It’s difficult to express yourself clearly today because your desires are bouncing all over the place. Unfortunately, once you start talking, you quickly display a wide range of emotions, challenging others to keep up with your mood swings. Nevertheless, a more thoughtful approach enables you to minimize any uncertainty that arises from a breakdown in communication. Exploring your feelings by writing in a journal is a sensible way to ground yourself before sharing your feelings.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The Moon’s shift into your dreamy sign increases your awareness today, allowing you to be even more intuitive than usual. But another person’s inability to comprehend your irrational approach to life might make you feel insecure now. It’s not necessary to respond to criticism or accusations; instead, be proud of your natural creativity, sensitivity and compassion.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 4

the daily humorscope 

Monday, June 04, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: “Hello, how are your feet?”

Daily Chinese Horoscopes for Sunday, June 3rd

Rabbit

You may have a sudden insight that leads you to take revolutionary changes in your personal appearance and lifestyle, but anything too drastic right now is likely to shock and surprise your loved ones. Remember to include them in your planning.

Dragon

You are excited because a wild idea has sparked your imagination, but you may not be sure how to act on it. They key is to find a partner who is a little more grounded than you are at the moment. You will need their help to put a business plan together.

Snake

You have an opportunity to make new friends today. You sparkle, and that’s attractive to the people you will meet. Some of these folks will tend to be on the “techie” or unusual side, but don’t let appearances fool you. They are not as flighty as they appear.

Horse

You’ll have wonderful social energy today. You may not have felt like going out much lately, but suddenly you have some wonderfully enjoyable opportunities. Someone you know may introduce you to a sport or hobby with the ability to dramatically change your life for the better.

Sheep

In the early part of the day you may find that it is hard to get much done. You may find that it is hard to concentrate and focus, especially on reading and paperwork. You will have abundant energy in the evening, and could impress the higher-ups by taking some work home with you.

Monkey

You could have an opportunity to make some money together with a friend or companion. They may have a new business or investment idea. There will be a lot of highs and lows today though, it may be a better day for making plans than taking action.

Rooster

There may be a large group of people coming into your workplace today. You may decide to speak up at a meeting, and attract the attention of someone who can be lucky for your career or personal life. You may form a valuable partnership with a group or association.

Dog

Push your goals, ideas and aspirations in the workplace today – you have an awesome idea that will bring together two “sides” of the company or organization, an idea with a lot of money-making potential. You may be spending much of the day thinking about or talking to your spouse and/or business partners.

Pig

It’s another a “play day”. If you have children, find out what they would like to do and spend some time being a big kid yourself. You won’t regret it. If you are not a parent, this might be the day you finally decide to buy yourself a new video game or entertainment device.

Rat

There will be sudden and unexpected insights today. You are thinking about making a dramatic change to your home, and could find yourself spending a lot of time at the local hardware store. Just be careful to take extra care with fuses and electrical circuits.

Ox

Good news comes from a friend who has been seriously confused about their role in life. They are starting to see the light that you have been trying to shine on them. There may still be disagreements, especially if they are an artist or parent, but you are getting through.

Tiger

You have been looking into ideas involving money and spirituality, and may have discovered an idea that could dramatically improve your financial situation. You may be spending some time today thinking about what you really want to do with your life.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 2

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 02, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Your Daily Chinese Horoscopes for June 1

Rabbit

You have a serious “look” about you today, but where it comes to adventure you are all fun and games. You may be starting up a serious sporting event or club in your community, and could take a leadership role in your social circle.

Dragon

Your intuition will be sharper today, and you will be lead to opportunities in your local community to make an impact on the lives of others as well as your own. You may find that the act of repairing a few broken windows, painting over some graffiti could make a big difference.

Snake

Friends and family will be the theme again today, and you may find your recent efforts to play “matchmaker” are bearing fruit at long last. Your own love life could be heating up with some help from a relative who is eager to return the favor.

Horse

You might find that you are juggling your attention between home and work, especially if you have a small home office business. If you have a “day-job” expect some intrusions from your boss or employer, but there could be rewards for delaying your own entertainment to please a higher-up.

Sheep

Looks like you are thinking about or planning for a pleasure trip sometime soon. You may have to plan more than normal, but you have a terrific opportunity to learn a great deal from other people and other cultures. If you are a parent you may be doing a lot of extra driving today.

Monkey

Big financial changes are coming. A business partner or associate is going to plug you into a very lucrative deal. You’ll want to share some of the windfall to buy yourself some time to spend with your family soon. Be careful that you don’t spend too much money today.A considerable change in your spiritual, social or religious values will come along with insights and ideas that expand your boundaries. You may find that you have a new way to contribute to your community through a group, club or religious charity.

Rooster

It’s playtime all of a sudden. Whether you are single or partnered, you will find there is a dramatic spike in your romantic energy today. If you are single, that works well towards attracting a mate. If you are married, it adds some fire and spice to your love life.

Dog

You may be feeling cautiously optimistic about some workplace changes you plan or are facing in the near future. Don’t be afraid to experiment with beneficial alternative diets or healing plans. You may be a little ahead of the “acceptance curve” if you are hoping to encourage others to join you.

Pig

Artwork, entertainment devices, and recreational tickets are better bargains today. You will find you have more time, energy and money for self-enjoyment than you have had recently, and you really do need some extra time out to relax and recreate yourself.

Rat

If you are still single, this is a good day to take your latest “intended” home to meet the folks. You will find them to be more receptive to your choices than normal today. If you are already married, this is a good time to get together with in-laws to make a good impression.

Ox

Do be careful to stay at the speed limit if you are driving today. Your chart speaks of “unexpected encounters with authority figures while traveling” – which could add up to a speeding ticket if “Lead Foot Louie” is not extra careful today.

Tiger

Get ready for financial breakthroughs. If you have been looking for work, sharpen your pencil, dust off that resume, put on your best duds and hit the pavement. Today could be your lucky day. If you are employed look for a bonus, promotion or raise in the near future.

Daily Chinese Horoscopes for May 31st

Rabbit

You will likely be the centre of attention amid a large group of people today. You may be tempted to blow your own horn just a little too much. A true leader does not have to broadcast their presence, they simply inspire followers. You will find that if you are more subtle today, you’ll be more effective.

Dragon

You have powerful insights, vivid dreams, and flashes of intuition today that can powerfully enhance your life. You are about to undergo some changes in your love life, which will add some sparkle to your eyes, and some spring to your footsteps.

Snake

It will be an unusual day with many surprises, especially where it comes to friends, companions and neighbors. You may have an opportunity to make a huge impact on your neighborhood or community with the help of those you are closest to.

Horse

You will find yourself in a new career position as a result of some action or project you are undertaking. Don’t be afraid to pitch your wild and dramatic ideas, that’s what can get you noticed right now. You are heading off to do corporate battle.

Sheep

Your energy shoots way up and you have the ability to make terrific strides today. You could be looking into classes, seminars or online courses, and a life-changing trip could be on the horizon. Plan carefully, while it will be a great experience there are likely to be great changes.

Monkey

Financial benefits and good intuition combine today to bring you into a much more positive frame of mind. You’ll be something of a magnet for opportunity so make sure you are able to act quickly to take advantage. You may decide to treat yourself to a spa treatment soon.

Rooster

There is opportunity for romance indicated in your chart today. If you are still single, you should get out and have some fun tonight. You could meet someone who shares your interests and passions, who is able to tweak your energy and creativity.

Dog

You are dreaming about the perfect career today, and it is possible that a dream opportunity could fall into your lap. Don’t be afraid to make a risky bet on yourself. If you don’t go after this chance you will never know if you really had a chance.

Pig

Fun, fun fun! That’s all that is on your mind right now, but the daily realities make keep intruding into your play plans. You may first have to set aside some time to organize your responsibilities so that you can get away to an entertainment or sporting event.

Rat

Home improvement classes or a long-planned home renovation are wonderful ways for you to enjoy yourself and build enjoyment and-or equity in your home. If you do not already own a home, you could find that it is easier than you think to get started down the path to home ownership.

Ox

The phone is going to be ringing off the hook today. The positive calls will come from friends and loved ones. Your social life is on the upswing. The challenging calls come from coworkers, employers or demanding customers making last-minute changes to everything.

Tiger

Things are looking a lot better financially today. You could receive that cheque that has been in the mail, or hear news about an upcoming raise, bonus or promotion. You may be taking an Internet course that could boost your earning potential.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 31st

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 31, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 30th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

by Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of Doug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 27th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Deny everything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are having a serious problem. Your only hope at this point is to consult a reputable florist. You will find them in the Yellow Pages, under “Florists, Reputable”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”

the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, May 24, 2012 

 

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.