Good morning or should I say afternoon? Right now our internet is so messed up that the pages we try to load keep telling us, “they don’t exist, wrong url” or some other crazy bullshit. If this actually posts, I will fall out of my chair. We have called the internet provider and they are suppose to be here shortly. Yeah, right!
I figure while I am explaining what is wrong with the site, I might as well go ahead and explain what is wrong with me. Especially since the Podcast doesn’t seem to be attracting as many as it use too. Ever since, I had the wreck last year, both of my hips have been killing me. The left one has been replaced but it was strange the doctor wouldn’t touch the right one. The pain got worse and worse, I ended up walked with the aid of a cane (my mother’s cane). As you know I recently when to see a dear friend I have known for years, who is a neurologist. He examined my right hip and there is a mass located on that hip. That is clearly why the other doctor wouldn’t touch it. The neurologist couldn’t understand how the other doctor missed it. More than likely it is a tumor either on that hip or coming from the inside of the hip. The doctor has scheduled an MRI to see how big the tumor is. After that a biopsy will be done to see if it is cancerous or not. Either way it will have to be removed. The neurologist suggested that if it is cancerous perhaps it can be removed by Kemo or some other drug instead of surgery. I have been in pain that I cannot even begin to describe. The neurologist has me on two different types of medication right now. One is a very strong pain killer. So if at times on the podcast, if my words seem slurred or hard to understand, you know why. You might also wonder why I insist on doing it? I will tell you. It keeps my mind off the possibility that my life might be soon coming to an end. Both my mother and sister passed due to cancer. My mother’s started in her bones. I have all the symptoms that she had. In fact, I have been going back to the time the cancer ate its way through her hip. I have actually been going into her body and seeing through her eyes. I see her laying in bed, I see her right hip, leg, and foot in traction and I feel the pain she feels. The neurologist keeps telling me things has changed since she passed with cancer. But you have to take into consideration this has been going on for almost a year now. Time enough to spread all over my body.
It is strange when you are confronted with the possibility of your own death. I believe at first it really doesn’t sink in, you are sort of in shock. Then it hits you and you start to question everything you ever believed in. Why? Why? Why? You worry about the people you are going to leave behind. I haven’t told my kids yet and the only way they will ever know is if they read this posts and they will. My mother-in-law told me once she didn’t want a bunch of people crying over her when she died, especially if they never come around her while she was alive. I am finding out that she was a very wise woman. She also said if she knew then what she knew now, she would have had puppies. Indeed a smart woman. As I am sure you all know my children and myself do not have a close relationship. We did while they were growing up but after that, no more. Since I lost my mother at the age of 11, I told them one day they would miss me but on that day it would be too late. I am hoping that day is not fast approaching but if it is, so be it. Oh, I can guarantee you, I am not going to lay down and accept my fate. I plan on fighting all the way to the end. Like the doctor said, “modern medicine is a wonder these days.”
Since it had already been noticed on the Podcast in regards to my speech, I figured I might as well tell you why. I had made a few comments about my medicine being changed and it has been. I am on one of the most powerful pain pills in the country. Actually, if I didn’t know I had the tumor on my side I would say I felt great. But I know that is a lie, I would only be kidding myself. I plan to keep going because the work takes my mind off the looming threat of death. To have that looming threat is only normal, I have seen two of the women I love very dearly die from cancer. My sister was pitiful it when to her brain and the last time I saw her, she didn’t even know who I was. My mother suffered and suffered for two years with the pain of cancer eating at her body. You have those thoughts and memories in your mind, you wonder strange things.
Life has a way of kicking you in the ass when you least expect it. Everything was going great, life seemed full of hope and promise and then a lead balloon gets dropped on your parade. I don’t want your pity. I just wanted to make you aware of the current situation I am facing. I have always cursed the drunk that hit us that day but in reality, that drunk might have save my life. As things progress, either Mystie, Lord M or myself will keep you updated on my progress.
I would ask that you occasionally say a prayer for me. A prayer for strength and courage to face what is a head. I am no where near ready to leave this plane and I guarantee you I will be fighting to the last breathe I draw. I have close friends, they try to help, they know when I get quiet I am dwelling on the tumor. My true comfort right now comes from the Goddess. I have seen Her everywhere I look. I know there is an after-life and I know She is there waiting. She supplies me with comfort and love when no one else can. She has shown me the Summerlands and also who is waiting there for me. With what the Goddess has shown me and to see how beautiful our next phase of existence really is, my mind is now at ease and all my questions have been answered.
I apologize for writing a book. I believe Mystie said the internet technician just pulled up and I must go. I wanted you to know what was going on with me and perhaps I offered some a few answers for the questions that have been floating around.
Keep me in your prayers,
I do love each and everyone of you,
Lady of the Abyss