Spells That Actually Work

Ancient Spell to Kill a Beast

1. Get a spear.
2. Aim the spear.
3. Throw the spear.
4. Repeat until the beast is dead.

Spell to Make Money

1. Put on some tight attractive clothing.
2. Go to a busy street corner.
3. Dance as well as you can for passing cars and pedestrians.

Spell to Get Measles

1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night

1. Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2. Close eyes tightly.
3. Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Turn Night Into Day

1. Lay down when it is nighttime.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Wait 8 hours.
4. Open your eyes.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water

1. Attach concrete block to your feet.
2. Jump into water.
3. Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”.
4. Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants

1. Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2. Drink.
3. Repeat steps 1-2.

Spell to Attract Lightning

1. Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hubcaps, etc.
2. Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
3. Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose

1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person Fall In Love With You

1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e., roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll, etc.).
4. Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you!
5. Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make a Person Fall Out of Love With You

1. Forget getting a restraining order.
2. Get a gun or other weapon of choice.
3. Wound or maim person with weapon.
4. Throw person in an area with lots of wild carnivores
5. Wait.

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Open a window.
2. Defenestrate the computer.
3. If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.

Alternate Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Turn on your computer
2. Deny it food.

Spell to Save on Gas

1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast.
4. Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!”
5. (Optional) Invite passengers to join in the fun!

Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2. Drink another glass anyway.
3. Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of soda.
4. Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell’s effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of ExLax.
3. Wait.

Spell to Make Something Disappear

1. Open a window
2. Grab the object you want to make disappear.
3. Defenestrate the object.
4. Close the window.

Spell to Make Yourself Fly

1. Open a window
2. Say “Sky sky make me fly like the birdies up so high.”
3. Defenestrate yourself.
4. Flap your arms vigorously and repeatedly say “I’m flying!”
5. If you don’t hit the ground, the spell worked.

Spell to Get Red Eyes

1. Take a spray bottle of Windex™.
2. Aim nozzle at eyes.
3. Spray.
4. Repeat 20 times.

Spell to Get a New Car

1. Get off the computer.
2. Go to a car dealership.
3. Chose a care. Take a test drive. Repeat until a satisfactory choice is made.
4. Make arrangements to trade in your old car for the new one chosen.
5. Drive home and wait.
6. When the new car arrives, go back to the dealer.
7. Drive home.

Spell to Go Through A Wall

1. Get a sledgehammer.
2. Hit a wall continuously until a large enough hole appears.
3. Go through the hole.

Spell to Change Your Eye Color

1. Visit ophthalmologist.
2. Get prescription for contact lenses.
3. Fill prescription with colored contact lenses.
4. Put in colored contact lenses.

Spell to Get People to Pay Attention to You

1. Stand up.
2. Jump up and down.
3. Make noises.
4. Repeat until people stare at you.

Spell to Prevent a Broken Window

1. Throw a shot put through your window pane.
2. It can never be broken again.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #1

1. Tell them to go away.
2. Repeat until they leave.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #2

1. Go into another room.
2. Shut the door.
3. Wait until they leave.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #3

1. Position them in front of an open window.
2. Point and yell the name of their favorite celebrity so they lean out to look.
3. Defenestrate them.
4. Close the window.

Spell to Get a Full-time Job

1. Find a police officer.
2. Commit a crime in front of them.
3. Wait quietly until they arrest you.
4. Plead guilty to the crime in court.
5. You will be taken to a big building and given a full-time job.

Spell to Be Somone’s Girlfriend

1. Find a police officer.
2. Commit a crime in front of them.
3. Wait quietly until they arrest you.
4. Plead guilty to the crime in court.
5. You will be taken to a big building and will soon become someone’s girlfriend.

Spell to Turn Into a Monster

1. Put on stilts.
2. Dress up in a gorrila costume.
3. Run around town with a megaphone and yell ROAR!

Spell to Become a Half-Animal

1. Get bisected by a large saw.

Spell to Get Wings

1. Find local fast food resturant number.
2. Call number and place an order for wings
3. Wings should arrive in 10-30 minutes.

Spell to Become a Mermaid

1. Cut the head off a large tuna.
2. Skin the body carefully, along with the tailfins.
3. Wrap your legs with the skin. Use duct tape to close it and attach it to your own skin.
4. Open-up gill-slits in your neck.
5. Go jump in the ocean.

Spell to Become an Artist

1. Get a crayon.
2. Press the crayon against a piece of paper while moving it around wildly.
3. Feel good about it.
4. Show other people your awesome drawing.

Spell to Get a Friend

1. Walk up to someone.
2. Pay them $50-100.
3. They’ll be your friend for a while.
4. Pay more keep your friend.

 

For more great Pagan humor, visit Turok’s Cabana

 

Astronomy Picture of the Day

Discover the cosmos! Each day a different image or photograph of our fascinating universe is featured, along with a brief explanation written by a professional astronomer.

2016 August 5

Virgo Cluster Galaxies
Image Credit & Copyright: Rogelio Bernal Andreo

 

Explanation: Well over a thousand galaxies are known members of the Virgo Cluster, the closest large cluster of galaxies to our own local group. In fact, the galaxy cluster is difficult to appreciate all at once because it covers such a large area on the sky. This careful wide-field mosaic of telescopic images clearly records the central region of the Virgo Cluster through faint foreground dust clouds lingering above the plane of our own Milky Way galaxy. The cluster’s dominant giant elliptical galaxy M87, is just below and to the left of the frame center. To the right of M87 is a string of galaxies known as Markarian’s Chain. A closer examination of the image will reveal many Virgo cluster member galaxies as small fuzzy patches. Sliding your cursor over the image will label the larger galaxies using NGC catalog designations. Galaxies are also shown with Messier catalog numbers, including M84, M86, and prominent colorful spirals M88, M90, and M91. On average, Virgo Cluster galaxies are measured to be about 48 million light-years away. The Virgo Cluster distance has been used to give an important determination of the Hubble Constant and the scale of the Universe.

Moon and Jupiter close on August 5

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PLANET TRACKER

Venus in Virgo

Aug 5, 2016 to Aug 29, 2016

 

Venus is about love and relationships, while Virgo deals with life’s more practical matters. Superifically, this can be interpreted, then, as a period in which passion may give way to the mundane affairs of daily life. However, Virgo’s traditionally chaste image is not nearly so virginal as one might expect. It is, after all, an earth sign that appreciates the healthy functions of the human body, including sexuality.

A more balanced view is that Venus in Virgo is a time when pleasure is derived by understanding the fine details of life, be they related to love or work. An appreciation for refinement in the arts, food, nature and people is more likely during this period. This can help further the development of skills and techniques in all areas of creative expression.

In personal relationships Venus in Virgo can correspond with excess criticism. The idea is to take the sharpened perceptions of the moment and apply with a constructive, rather than destructive, attitude. In this way so-called “faults” are not reasons to tear down a person, but to clarify the issues that need attention and adjustment. This positive approach can make this a time in which relationships grow through greater awareness of what makes them tick and, thus, help to iron out the kinks. Passion flows more freely when obstacles are removed. Work makes way for love.

That handy expert in life’s little refinements, Martha Stewart, was born with Venus in Virgo, as was fellow foodie Julia Child. Tennis champions Martina Navratilova, Jimmy Connors and Arthur Ashe, and the great conqueror of more than basketball, Wilt Chamberlain, also have this in their birth charts.

Hollywood couple Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas share Venus in Virgo, along with singers Chrissie Hynde, Joni Mitchell and Linda Ronstadt. Ms. Perfect Julie Andrews is a different kind of Venus in Virgo singer, as is Luciano Pavarotti. Penny Marshall, Carrie Fisher, Catherine Deneuve, Robert DeNiro, Robert Redford and Chevy Chase also belong to this group.

Conservatives Jesse Helms, Jerry Falwell and Casper Weinberger represent one end of the political spectrum, while George McGovern and William Kunstler come from the other. Ex-football coach Jimmy Johnson is a perfectly coiffed example of Venus in Virgo precision, but revolutionary rocker John Lennon reminds us that these symbols can stretch to include less conventional forms of personal expression.

 

Part of the Daily Insight Group

The Words of Confucius

He who learns but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but does not learn is in great danger.

Your Daily Charm for Today

Today’s Meaning:
This aspect of your life will be strongly influenced by a person who is practical, prudent, ambitious, disciplined, patient, careful, humorous and reserved. They could be someone you know in the medical field–a nurse or doctor perhaps.

General Description:
Tenth sign of the Zodiac, Dec 22nd to Jan 19th. Ruling planet, Saturn; correct metal, lead. Those born under Capricornus influence were believed to be prudent, deep thinkers, prosperous in financial affairs, generous, with strong and forcible tempers. The Capricorn stone is the Ruby. The Ruby was a favorite talisman in the Orient. In India it was worn to guard against attacks of enemies, foretell danger, supposed to change color in presence of poison, and attract friends and good fortune; China and Japan health, Happiness and long life. The Romans believed that the Ruby preserved health and strength, averted danger, plague and fevers.

 

Your Ancient Symbol Card for Today

The Rose

The White Rose indicates the need for or the presence of purity of intention. The question to ponder is, “Am I/he/she being self-serving, or other-directed?” The caution is that even if we are reasonably certain our motives are generous, if we are yet attempting to impose our idea of what should be, we are not acting at the level of the White Rose. When the White Rose appears, examine your own and others’ motives, and then trust the answer that brings you true peace of mind.

As a daily card, the Rose denotes a time in which you will be best served by allowing your actions to be guided by what is best for the greatest number even if the path indicated is not the one you feel is best for you.