How To Give A Cat A Pill
(with bonus instructions on how to give a dog a pill)
How to Give a Cat a Pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
- Wrap it in bacon.
For more great Pagan humor, visit Turok’s Cabana
Astronomy Picture of the Day
Discover the cosmos! Each day a different image or photograph of our fascinating universe is featured, along with a brief explanation written by a professional astronomer.
2016 July 29
Explanation: The Sun’s annual waltz through planet Earth’s sky forms a graceful curve known as an analemma. The analemma’s figure 8 shape is tipped vertically at far right in this well-composed fisheye view from Budapest, Hungary. Captured at a chosen spot on the western bank of the Danube river, the Sun’s position was recorded at 11:44 Central European Time on individual exposures over days spanning 2015 July 23 to 2016 July 4. Of course, on the northern summer solstice the Sun is at the top of the curve, but at the midpoints for the autumn and spring equinoxes. With snow on the ground, the photographer’s shadow and equipment bag also appear in the base picture used for the composite panorama, taken on 2016 January 7. On that date, just after the winter solstice, the Sun was leaving the bottom of the beautiful curve over the blue Danube.
Go someplace dark and watch meteors!
Bruce McClure has served as lead writer for EarthSky’s popular Tonight pages since 2004. He’s a sundial aficionado, whose love for the heavens has taken him to Lake Titicaca in Bolivia and sailing in the North Atlantic, where he earned his celestial navigation certificate through the School of Ocean Sailing and Navigation. He also writes and hosts public astronomy programs and planetarium programs in and around his home in upstate New York.
Article published on EarthSky
Mercury in Virgo
Minds and words are sharp as Mercury transits critical Virgo
Put on your thinking cap and make sure it’s adjusted perfectly — communication planet Mercury moves into critical Virgo on July 30, 2016 — and because he’ll turn retrograde in this discerning sign, Mercury won’t leave Virgo until October 7! Mercury Virgo signals a time when our minds are sharp, our speech becomes precise, and we’re able to communicate with others more efficiently.
Until Mercury turns retrograde on August 30, we’ll be thinking in much more practical terms. Whereas Mercury in Leo was more playful and chatty, Mercury in Virgo has no time for idle chit-chat. This transit is about analyzing ideas until they’re perfected and speaking seriously about most matters.
Virgo is Mercury’s home sign (along with Gemini), so the communication planet feels comfortable here and is ready and willing to think clearly, get organized and manage complex projects. It’s not necessarily the most imaginative or fun transit Mercury makes, but it’s definitely productive!
Top dos and don’ts for making the most of Mercury in Virgo:
Do solve problems — Break out the Sudoku! Analytical Virgo is great at taking an existing problem and working it over and over until … POOF! The problem is solved!
Don’t be narrow-minded — Mercury in Virgo enhances focus and critical thinking, but be careful you don’t become overly critical and way too picky about everything during this transit.
Do perform an act of service — Virgo is the sign of service, and with communication planet Mercury transiting this sign it’s the perfect time to speak out or write a letter on behalf of a person or organization you’re passionate about.
Don’t bite someone’s head off — Mercury is crisp and efficient in Virgo, with no time for unnecessary pleasantries. Remember to be polite, even if you are in a hurry to get to the point.
Do learn something new — Mercury in Virgo is a made for learning! Take a class, enhance your knowledge or practice skill-building now, while your mind can best absorb new knowledge.
Don’t neglect your imagination — Mercury is so practical in Virgo that it’s likely your creativity and imagination could become blocked. Do what you can now to give yourself an extra boost in creativity through books or movies or anything that gets you out of your head for a while.
Part of the Daily Insight Group
©Tarot.com 2016. All rights reserved.
Revolution starts from within as radical Uranus turns back
“Freedom” is the word to the wise as rebel planet Uranus moves retrograde from July 29 to December 29, 2016. Now is the time to look at life from a fresh perspective, toss out the old ways of doing things and feel free to create a whole new world.
Well, don’t be intimidated — just remember to take baby steps over the next few months and years. We’re just at the beginning of a profound period of change, and it will only happen person-by-person, one small change at a time.
Basically, Uranus Retrograde just wants us to get real. It’s time to face our fears and change the things that aren’t working so we can become who we really want to be. This is true on both a personal and global scale.
So if you’re in a bad relationship, stuck in a job you don’t like, living in a place that doesn’t feel right or spending time with the wrong people, Uranus will alert you to this in coming months. The realization may dawn on you slowly, and it may involve an uncomfortable period of anxiety — but when you do have those epiphanies, pay attention. Make the needed changes!
Break up, make up, change jobs, move or do whatever you need to do to shake it up and move on to something better. In other words, get real about what you want, be brave and embrace your freedom to go after it.
Part of the Daily Insight Group
©Tarot.com 2016. All rights reserved.
The Words of Confucius
If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed; if in terms of ten years, plant trees; if in terms of 100 years, teach the people.
Consulting the Psychic 8 Ball
Query: How Will Our Weekend Be?
I am beginning to think the old psychic ball needs to take a dip in the pond, lol!