the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 13th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there’s a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.