the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 17th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You’re about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies “dour.” The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can’t ignore them, pretend they are a duck.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.