the daily humorscope for August 14th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn’t eat so much candy before going to bed?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as “Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” today. With any luck, the cat will get it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away