Tag: Scorpio

the daily humorscopes for monday, july 11th

the daily humorscope

Monday, July 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 9th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of clams, today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop.” That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A package will arrive for you today, from a distant relative in Tibet. Scarlet-robed assassins will begin following you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for July 8 – 10

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Into the Deep

July 8 – 10

The mood-setting Moon’s presence in partner-oriented Libra adds an air of style and grace on Friday. However, the people-pleasing skills and polite gestures of this sign may mask a simmering discontent that can undermine relationships if it’s not brought out into the open.

Loving Venus, Libra’s ruling planet, opposes deep, dark Pluto, taking us to the depths of desire and into the shadows of self-doubt. We are especially sensitive to how others treat us, anticipating rejection even when we’re being praised. Yet this descent is really an exploration of unexpressed needs. It can serve to provoke necessary change in a current alliance or stimulate adjustments of style, taste and attitude to help in the pursuit of a new partner.

Happily, Friday evening closes with Venus’ favorable 60-degree sextile to generous Jupiter, which can end the day on high notes of hope and optimism. Yet sweeping negative feelings under the carpet is unlikely to work with the Moon in emotionally intense Scorpio on Saturday. This is the sign of “all or nothing” that either pushes partnerships to more meaningful levels of connection or starts building up walls to keep others out.

A key thing to remember is to remain calm and kind if moods turn south. There might even be opportunities to share the most intimate experiences for those unafraid to go deeper. Frivolous activities are less likely to be fulfilling than complex ones in which we are forced to face more serious issues. Intense physical activities and emotionally demanding movies, music and art can be so much more invigorating and inspiring now than keeping things easy, breezy and light.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, July 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 7th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, July 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your ship will come in today! Unfortunately, you won’t have anywhere to put it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, july 6th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium.” Don’t take it lightly.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze.” You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You’ll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you’ll take up rice throwing as a hobby. “It’s not just for weddings any more,” you’ll say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 5th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people’s pockets, shoes, etc., when they’re not looking. My advice: don’t get caught.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever”. Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 1

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you’ll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 30

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to blow soap bubbles in unusual places. See if you can get them to drift by people who are thinking too hard.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 29

 

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This is a good time to remember Einstein’s advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 27, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hide.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to scare several people out of their socks! It will turn out that they have very ugly feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of galoots, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 23

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don’t you mind them, though — they’re undoubtedly just jealous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.

the daily humorscopes for june 21

 

 

the daily humorscope

 

 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you’ve never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 19

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to “Bob”, and take up residence with you. Eventually, you’ll become best friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question – there’s no point in going further if you don’t see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I’m referring to “crunchy” versus “creamy”, of course. Why, what did you think I meant?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily horoscopes for friday, june 17

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 17, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny.” Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will figure out how to avoid your enemies, much to their bafflement. Basically, if you’re walking along and the background music changes to a kind of eerie theme, and the volume begins to increase…turn around and go the other way. Simple, huh?

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 13

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of rodents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

 

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?