Tag: AQUARIUS

the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 2nd

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, October 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you’ll start to worry.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now…what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is “worm farming.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Careful, filling is hot!”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 1st

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, October 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more, unless you’ve paid.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 29

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say “I prefer not to talk about it.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I’m afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 28th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to learn how to really “flick” your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I’m betting it’s soon, though, in your case.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.

the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 26th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 26, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, if you want to make yourself a more interesting person at parties. In your case, I recommend welding.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, september 25th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, September 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day for a nice nap.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to stop leaving things to chance. Specifically, when dating, consider what your date does and doesn’t like. In my case, whenever my wife orders a sandwich, I get her dill pickle. If you play your cards right, you may do even better!

the daily humorscopes for friday, september 23

the daily humorscope

Friday, September 23, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember: it’s a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a “bludgeoning.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new “fresh” tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 21st

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor.” This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept. 20th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle.” Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

the daily humorscopes for monday, september 19th

the daily humorscope

Monday, September 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone will dash up to you today, say “meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!”, and then dash off. At least now you’ll know how to spell it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbours? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, sept. 18th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 17th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization.” Time to go on a diet!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you aren’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

the daily humorscopes for friday, sept. 16th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 15th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, sept. 14th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find the word “impecunious” popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you’ll go look it up in the dictionary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an “evil laugh” and use that instead. Then at least, you’ll be able to hear everyone else’s nervous laughter.

 

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept.13th

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)

 

 

 

the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 12th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Monday, September 12, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 10th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

 
 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will casually mention the German term for “exit ramp”, and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That’s hardly your fault, though, is it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to mumble.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They say that a dog is a man’s best friend. Oddly, that’s only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man’s best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscope for Sept. 9th – 11th

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Enter a World of Dreams

September 9 – 11

Our minds are likely to push feelings into the background on Friday, favoring conceptual conversations and intellectual pursuits over sappy sentiment and unnecessary drama. The Moon is in cool-as-a-cucumber Aquarius where we don’t want to be emotionally crowded and require a certain amount of personal space. The Water Bearer is a friendly sign that appears open and accessible to almost everyone, yet has a strong independent streak as well. Cerebral Mercury’s entry into discerning Virgo very early on Friday is another indicator that heads rule over hearts now.

The theme is very different on Saturday, even while the Moon is still visiting air-conditioned Aquarius. A lunar conjunction with magical Neptune can melt away objectivity and entice us to enter a world of dreams. Escapes into fantasylands of imagination can inspire lovers or mislead them with misplaced expectations. The Moon enters soulful Pisces in the middle of day, dissolving the last edges of repressive reason as boundaries and barriers between people gently give way. A kind of cosmic connection becomes possible as agendas are set aside to discover moments of bliss that can arise without effort. Tread carefully; emotional openness may lead some into misinterpreting mere kindness as romantic interest.

Fortunately, astrology’s most amorous planetary pair, Venus and Mars, hook up in a sexy sextile on Saturday night, creating the perfect environment for a playful time. It’s easy to dance with the one you’re with or to approach someone new for a pleasant interaction without pressure. A gentle afterglow lingers with the Pisces Moon on Sunday to encourage more unconditional sharing. The lines between physical and spiritual attraction may be blurred, but living joyfully in the moment, without expectations, makes it safe to be uncertain.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 7th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that “sharing” is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them — unless you think you can get away with it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.