Tag: AQUARIUS

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 13

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of rodents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

 

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 7

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Daily Horoscopes for May 21st

Although the Sun enters changeable Gemini today, alluring Venus slides into an emotionally profound trine with resolute Pluto. We’re still reeling from the intensity of yesterday’s Mercury and Mars trines to Pluto, challenging us to play for keeps and tempting us to think in terms of all or nothing. Powerful feelings arise from the subconscious, yet the Moon’s shift into cool Aquarius at 10:31 pm EDT offers a much-needed intellectual perspective.

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your key planet Mars continues to push you into some emotionally intense places today. Although you’re up for the ride, you want to have an escape route just in case you need it. You could grow skittish if you feel cornered, but overreacting won’t likely have a positive result. Succumbing to your worries about the future will only alert others to your anxiety. For now, it’s smarter to relax and sink into your feelings than dream about being somewhere else.

 

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your unwavering determination is your greatest strength as you continue to express your love today, even in the face of a confusing situation. Venus in sensual Taurus harmonizes with passionate Pluto, allowing you to concentrate on the underlying feelings rather than being distracted by the surface noise. As long as you keep aiming deep, you won’t be led off track by unimportant issues or temporary fears.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The Sun’s return to your mentally agile sign helps you to maintain your balance if you are lured into unknown emotional territory. You may need to push past your own resistance and share your feelings, even if you’re unsure of how the other person will react. Thankfully, the conversation will go much better than you expect as long as you don’t freeze once you start talking. You might learn something new if you are truly willing to listen.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be in a deep and dark mood today as you attempt to reveal your strong feelings to a trusted ally. But your current sense of urgency might provoke frustration or anger if your friend isn’t willing or able to match your emotions. It’s useless trying to change anyone else; focus on your own inner process and work to transform your dissatisfaction into an appreciation of what you have, instead.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You may be tired of people at work being so nice to you now because it doesn’t feel real. You might even see their propitiating behavior as a symptom of weakness. But it’s not a smart idea to harden your stance in an ill-conceived plan designed to demonstrate your strength. You must learn that you can be strong and yielding at the same time. Recognizing the wisdom of being flexible with respect to your desires can help you sail through a very intense day.

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might try to narrow your focus and limit your distractions so you can concentrate on what you need to do today. Unfortunately, this strategy grows more difficult as your emotions are stirred and you set your heart on some distant destination. It’s not about being smart or having the right data now; it’s just foolhardy to ignore your feelings. You already know what you must do, and having more facts at your disposal won’t make your choice any easier.

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may be feeling pretty confident now about your current plans, but something is still gnawing away at the bottom of your imagination. You might be limited in what you can do today, especially if you’re obsessing about a relationship from the past. Don’t try to escape your history, rather, dig into it. After you can find your way around in the shadows of your subconscious, you’ll also be able to navigate better in the light of reality.

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your unexpressed anger can cool into ice and transform into resentment, which is more difficult to process. Fortunately, Venus’ current trine to your key planet Pluto stimulates your emotions and prevents them from going quiet. It’s easier than usual for you to let go and act on your intuition. Following your instincts now is your best insurance against fostering negativity. Taking the high road is surely your best option.

 

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The Moon and Pluto are in your resourceful 2nd house, reminding you that issues of self-worth and net worth are inextricably intertwined, even if they seem like separate entities. Today you might be more self-confident because you can ride a new sense of power from your emotions. If your self-esteem is growing, consider cashing in on it and asking for a raise. Naturally, circumstances at work need to support your request, but in any case your contribution and your courage won’t go unnoticed.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You are still enjoying the pleasurable benefits of three planets visiting your 5th House of Spontaneity. Your involvement in a significant creative project or a new romance may be growing, and you’re tempted to go overboard as you try to give the performance of your life. This can be quite a memorable day as long as you don’t struggle to accomplish too much.

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

It’s refreshing to feel so creative now and you’re excited knowing that your weekend could improve even more. But your easygoing attitude today is very deceptive. You may be able to skillfully disarm someone’s aggression, yet you’re still ready for serious business in a moment’s notice. Use your ability to shift back and forth between the lighthearted and heavy-handed extremes, so you can make the most of every moment.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be afraid that someone in your life might become more of a problem during the days ahead. Although nipping a challenging situation in the bud sounds like a smart plan, it’s not always wise to suppress the natural expression of negative emotions like fear and anger. If you truly want to handle the situation in a way that preempts potential trouble, ask thoughtful questions and be an active listener. It’s easier to deal with things once they are out in the open.

Symbols and Association of Air

Symbols and Association of Air
 
Air has the qualities of coolness and dryness and association with breath, life and communication. In astrology, Air rules the Zodiac signs Aquarius, Gemini and Libra. People born under the Air signs think, communicate, analyze, and theorize. They love freedom, truth and justice, and have the ability to change circumstances with amazing speed. As thinkers, they rely on rationality rather than on intuition or emotions. Their philosophical approach to any situation allows them to endure hardships. Air signs can tolerate almost any circumstances, as long as there is a rational explanation for it. They have great leadership capabilities, with a reputation of being fair. Interested in almost everything, they are lifelong students.
 
The Element of Air becomes a negative one when Air folks require family and friends to uphold the same standards they live by. Air people cannot understand why everyone does not think and act as they do. When they make a mistake they tend to rationalize instead of using the situation as a learning experience. They are devoted to abstract ideas and have difficulty making decision, making them sometimes exasperating to work with. In addition, they tend to procrastinate.

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

Daily Horoscopes for April 24

 

General Daily Horoscope

 

Today begins slowly with a steady Capricorn Moon and restrictive Saturn still opposing logical Mercury. But the energy shifts at 1:58 pm EDT when the Moon enters futuristic Aquarius, releasing us from the past and focusing our interest on what’s next. Since this is just the first full day of Mercury’s direct motion, it may take a while to get back up to speed. It’s a familiar message: although we’re wired with anticipation, we must be patient.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are ready to go out and have fun today, but you might be a bit detached from what actually happens. Ironically, you know what you want, but may not care all that much if you actually get it. Remaining open to the difference between your wishes and the events of the day can be healthy, but don’t be so disconnected that you are in denial of your emotions. Acknowledging your feelings is a crucial part of your long-term happiness.

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You know what you want to say to those around you, but you might choose to minimize the intensity of your current feelings. Part of the problem is that you’re connected with your dreams, and you don’t want to justify yourself to anyone else now. Acting as if you’re emotionally detached gives you a bit more freedom. Just keep in mind that it also takes work to avoid getting hooked on your desires.

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are looking forward to beginning something new in the days ahead, but you first have to finalize your plans. Acting impulsively won’t be sufficient; this isn’t just about doing something for fun. The Moon’s entry into your 9th House of Adventure reflects your current need to expand your horizons. Don’t settle for the easy way out; creating a sound strategy can be your key to accomplishing your goals.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You are emotionally nurtured by the physical closeness of your loved ones, yet now you might feel resistant to someone’s advances. Your current retreat probably isn’t about fearing intimacy; instead, it’s more likely about your goal to become more independent. Stepping out beyond your comfort zone is healthy as long as you don’t alienate your loyal allies in the process.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

A weird conversation with a close friend or partner today could reveal more information than you think you need to know. You might be uncomfortable because you aren’t certain how to respond to what you learn. Keep in mind that you don’t have to control what’s happening, nor do you have to do anything about your new perspective. Take all the time you need before drawing your own conclusions.

 

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You don’t want to do your routine chores in the same way as you have always done them. You are bored today and might attempt a different approach just to make your day more exciting. Don’t be concerned if something takes longer because of your unorthodox style. Time isn’t really being wasted, because you’re gaining valuable experience that can pay off in the near future.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may want to spend time with a really good friend today because their enthusiasm is contagious and fun. You feel as if something is about to change and your life could suddenly become more intense. However, there’s no need to worry about being too busy later on; you’ll still find time to relax. Make a commitment to enjoy yourself no matter how the day plays out.

 

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may come close to losing your temper today if something at home doesn’t conform to your heart’s desire. It’s not that an unexpected exchange will catch you off guard; it’s just that you could be compulsive about how you want your day to unfold. Your current inflexibility can make you feel discouraged. It helps to be open to the natural fluidity of the moment. A total surprise may turn out much better than you expect.

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

There are many things to do and so many interesting people to see, but you may have packed one too many activities into a finite amount of time. Instead of simply enjoying the diversity, you could be distracted by the practical necessity of having to adhere to a tight calendar. Try canceling or even postponing a few appointments before it’s too late. Your weekend will be more enjoyable if you adopt a slower pace.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You’re eager to have a bit of time at home today, especially if a busy social calendar has kept you jumping throughout the past week. It’s healthy to reconsider what you want for yourself now, instead of just keeping up appearances and doing whatever’s expected of you. Maintaining your integrity is important. Set new boundaries and, within reason, do whatever makes you feel good.

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be needier than usual today with the Moon visiting your sign. Unfortunately, your friends and family might not take care of you and you cannot realistically expect them to read your mind. You’ll be happier if you are open with your feelings and clearly communicate what you want, even if you have little chance for satisfaction. Be upfront and only participate in activities that will make you happy.

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Although there are still opportunities available, you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders today. But your somber perspective is internal, so you might not want to burden others with your troubles. Fortunately, you are able to lighten your load by focusing on your ideal future and allowing the hope of your dreams to lift you beyond your current obligations.

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

the daily humorscopes for april 21st

Daily Humorscopes

Friday, April 8th
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don’t cast a shadow.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You look ridiculous in that. Go and change.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid yodeling today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel

the daily humorscopes for 3/31

Thursday, March 31, 2011
 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that’s all I should really say, except possibly that it’s often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up “heads”, “tails”, “heads”, “heads.” Then someone will come up and say “hey, whatcha doing?” Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

 

the daily humorscopes for 3/29

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

 

Daily Horoscopes for 3/1

 

General Daily Horoscope
We may feel as if anything is possible today as the Moon’s entry into futuristic Aquarius encourages us to cut our ties to the past. Alluring Venus forms a cooperative sextile to radical Uranus, attracting us to new experiences. Venus, too, enters Aquarius, further detaching our desires from our emotions. Anticipation can set us on edge and a lack of self-restraint may empower us to overreach our limits and take risks we might normally pass by.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Think twice before doing something that you might quickly regret. It doesn’t really matter if your intentions are good; you are so wrapped up in your needs that you could hurt someone’s feelings without even realizing what you did. Just because a plan makes immediate sense to you doesn’t mean that others will share your perspective. Talking things over with those you love will help in more ways than one.

 
Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Even if you have been extremely cautious about expressing your needs, today you could strike like lightning and, in a flash, tell someone exactly what you want. Unfortunately, this could be a case of sharing too much information too quickly. Your ability to conform to social norms is impaired by unconventional Uranus’ sextile to your key planet Venus. Just because you want to color outside the lines now doesn’t mean that others will want to join you.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Although you may be out to have some innocent fun, others could see your behavior as unnecessarily contrarian. Your expressions of individuality make you appear argumentative today, but you cannot be responsible for other people’s feelings, especially if they are so sensitive that they take offense to everything you do. Consider the consequences before you cross the line of good taste. Respecting everyone else’s boundaries is always a smart idea.

 
Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Others around you seem to be enjoying the day, yet you are challenged with a familiar dilemma. You are being asked to choose between holding on to the status quo and making changes that will cut you loose from your past. Although you are eager to find a progressive solution, it’s not easy for you to let go of what you have now. Thankfully, you won’t have to turn your life upside down to move into the future. If you start by taking one small step at a time, you can reach your goals sooner than you think.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It’s difficult for you to act with moderation, and your desire for extreme emotional interactions could stir up trouble today. You don’t see why you should have to curtail your desire for fun. You know what makes you feel good and you’re willing to involve others in your plan to find pleasure. Unfortunately, more is not always better. Figure out where your limits are before you go beyond them.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Sharing all your feelings may not be the smartest thing to do today because you could shock others with your true desires. Surprising someone with what you really want may not be the worst thing in the world, but your intentions could be misunderstood. In fact, even a warm smile might be misinterpreted as an act of aggression. You don’t think you’re being too pushy, but your intensity can make others uncomfortable. Moderate your approach by asking for less while consciously softening the tone of your voice.

 
Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your ruling planet Venus receives an electric shock from lightning-like Uranus today, zapping your personal life with possibilities that may be very destabilizing. Perhaps someone from work tries to distract you with an exciting invitation. Saying yes sounds like a good idea, but your involvement could create more trouble than fun. Give yourself permission to play, but don’t take it too far. If you overdo it, instant karma just might get you.

 
Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are able to speak and act with the power of your convictions now. Your originality can be more persuasive than you realize. Just make sure you know when to ease up in your approach. If you appear too aggressive today, you can ruin your chances for success. However, practicing flexibility and patience enables you to make the progress you desire.

 
Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your hopes loom so large now that it feels as if you can reach out and touch your dreams. But everything is exaggerated these days, making it difficult to judge the real importance of your goals. Your current excitement warps your objectivity and clouds your common sense. If something looks very attractive today, wait a day or two before making any final decisions.

 
Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may feel relieved now that you get to have some fun. However, it’s challenging to keep it all in perspective because you can see that life will become serious again in the weeks ahead. You want to let loose, but you can’t shake the gnawing feeling that you should be doing something else that will prepare you for what’s ahead. It’s still a smart idea to enjoy yourself when the chance is presented; you’ll accomplish more at work if you also make time to relax.

 
Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

A lovely surprise could brighten your day in a way that’s totally unexpected. Nevertheless, you get to decide how to respond. Sweet Venus forms a supportive sextile with your key planet Uranus today, turning up the volume on your desires. Although you may have a hard time balancing all the variables, you don’t want to miss this special opportunity. Remember, a little moderation will save your day — taking on too much could spread you too thin.

 
Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Sexy Venus is flirting with wild Uranus in your sign today, tempting you to say yes before you even know where you’re going. You may be seeing green lights, but keep in mind that things could change instantaneously if you don’t stay aware of everything that’s happening around you. Avoid any unpleasant surprises by focusing on the present moment throughout the entire day, instead of always thinking about what’s next.

New Moon Report for 2/18 – Sun in Pisces

Sun in Pisces

Friday, February 18, 4:26 pm PST, 7:26 pm EST

The Sun’s entry into Pisces closes out the astrological year with tender hearts and rich imaginations. It is a time to find inspiration in nature, in the arts and in our dreams. A vague feeling of vulnerability can increase doubts about our capacities to deal with the material world, making escapism more appealing. Spiritual retreat or substance abuse are two very different ways to salve the pain of disillusionment. Faith in forces greater than our own provides nourishment for the soul without polluting minds with religious prejudice and moral judgment. Forgiveness is the gift of this tender transit and is freely available to all of us.