Tag: AQUARIUS

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 21

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don’t do it! It’s not as good as your favorite.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

New Moon Report for December 20th – Venus in Aquarius

New Moon Report

By Jeff Jawer

 

Venus in Aquarius

Tuesday, December 20, 10:26 am PST, 1:26 pm EST

The love planet’s entry into cool but friendly Aquarius is ideal for those who need freedom and are easily bored with social convention. Venus’ presence in this independent air sign indicates that relationships will blossom when there is more room for individual expression and romantic experimentation. Cooperation within groups, especially those with idealistic intentions, should be enhanced by this transit. Fresh approaches to appearance, pleasure and partnerships will make life more enjoyable than sticking to outmoded traditions.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 20

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to make Mexican food. Just don’t drink the water.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omelet without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Weekly Love Horoscopes for Monday, December 19th

Amorous Venus’ move into cool but friendly Aquarius on Tuesday takes some of the heat out of romance this week. Enjoying new people and experiences without commitment or expectations makes sense while most of us are busy with the holidays — that usually entail putting family first. The Capricorn New Moon on Saturday morning reminds us to consider our ambitions for the future.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Amicable Venus in Aquarius bumps into a stressful aspect with your ruling planet Mars on Thursday that can put your social life on edge. Too much analysis will make any plan sound questionable and undermine the potential for cooperation. Earning respect by taking care of responsibilities may not sound sexy, but is probably the best way for you to operate during the busy holiday season.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Traditions may be broken this year, which might not be the way you want to celebrate the holidays. However, your loving ruling planet Venus’ entry into innovative Aquarius on Tuesday tempts you with unconventional relationships and unusual experiences. Rebellious Uranus rattles Saturday’s traditional Capricorn New Moon, so trying to play by the old rules is not likely to earn you favor. Yet being flexible in your thinking is an open invitation to pleasure.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Traveling somewhere different or connecting with people from faraway places could be your ticket to romance this week. Artistic Venus leaps into liberating Aquarius and your 9th House of Long Journeys on Tuesday to bring an exotic touch to your personal life. Yet being adaptable to unexpected changes is essential this weekend when the ambitious Capricorn New Moon in your 8th House of Intimacy tangles with volatile Uranus and formidable Pluto. Keep on your toes so you don’t miss a moment of the action.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Saturday’s earthy Capricorn New Moon sprouts seeds of social possibility in your 7th House of Relationships. But fresh experiences with your current partner or meeting someone for the first time can be filled with complications. Provocative Pluto and chaotic Uranus make stressful contacts to this Sun-Moon conjunction, prompting power struggles and irrational behavior. It’s best to avoid taking anyone too seriously now, including yourself.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Although you are more captivating when flirty Venus slips into your 7th House of Partners on Tuesday, this weekend is more about being helpful to others than fulfilling your romantic dreams. Saturday’s serious Capricorn New Moon lands in your 6th House of Service, putting greater emphasis on taking care of business than having fun. Nevertheless, working alongside an attractive individual could combine the best of both worlds.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Saturday’s earthy Capricorn New Moon falls in your 5th House of Romance, which is usually a major plus for personal pleasure. Yet complicated connections from manipulative Pluto and restless Uranus can make it difficult to find the comfortable company you desire. Quickly adapting to unexpected changes of plans and moods is a good way to overcome these challenges and find delight in the midst of unusual circumstances.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your magnetic planet Venus dances into unconventional Aquarius and your 5th House of Romance on Tuesday to put more spice in your social life. You may be rewarded with unexpected pleasure when you experiment with different kinds of people or out-of-the-ordinary activities. Pushing the limits of playfulness is fine since you have the necessary charm to smooth any ruffled feathers. The key to happiness now is to enjoy each moment without looking too far down the road.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Life is easier when you let go of some control this week. Sweet Venus enters freedom-loving Aquarius and your 4th House of Home and Family on Tuesday, signaling a need to lighten up and let go of rigid rules and expectations. An intense Capricorn New Moon on Saturday triggers control issues that can dampen the holiday mood. Yet if you’re willing to take the high road and adjust your plans, you should receive a few pleasant surprises.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your sense of self-esteem may take off on a wild ride this weekend due to the industrious Capricorn New Moon spotlighting your 2nd House of Resources. Normally, you would just have to work harder and show more commitment to upgrade your image, but tense connections with the Sun and Moon create surprising complications. Pluto provokes change and unpredictable Uranus spurs uncertainty, alerting you to make some quick adjustments when necessary. Don’t forget to bring out your sassy sense of humor when you need it most.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Get ready for a highly unusual holiday weekend that can pull you between your strong sense of duty and a desire to get away from it all. The New Moon in your ambitious sign on Saturday is agitated by potent Pluto and revolutionary Uranus, triggering rebellious feelings and sudden surprises. Keep your options open and your obligations limited so you have some freedom to alter your plans as your mood or circumstances dictate.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Alluring Venus enters your sign on Tuesday, casting you in a more desirable light and opening the door to new forms of fun. This transit continues through Jan. 13, giving you plenty of time to cash in some romantic chips. However, this weekend is complicated by a serious Capricorn New Moon roiled by stressful aspects with Uranus and Pluto. Power struggles and control issues may lead you to seek a quiet, private place away from all the noise.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Trying to maintain order among friends and relatives may be especially challenging this weekend. It’s hard to focus on personal pleasure if you’re surrounded by an unruly group. It may be wiser to step away now than to wade into a chaotic situation. Taking care of yourself is your first priority. When you’re able to stay calm and centered, you’ll be better equipped to handle people’s inappropriate behavior and whatever other surprises life throws your way.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 19th

If you require a morning to be extra focused on accomplishing important business tasks and discussing financial affairs with a trusted associate, this looks like a promising time-period as the Sun in Sagittarius forms a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Saturn in Libra (8:26AM PST). The Sun and Saturn only make two of these alignments in a calendar year and with the Moon energizing relationship-oriented Libra right now, the cosmic vibes can be solidly in your corner. Keep striving to be an expert problem-solver even though the Sun makes a somewhat dicey, 45-degree link to genius-endowed Pallas (4:26PM PST). Enjoy an interlude of quiet contemplation or play strategic games like chess or backgammon with an eager partner. Learn from your revered mentors this evening during the monthly Moon-Saturn union (10:20PM PST). Keep sailing on the artistic horizon – thanks to a supportive, 60-degree connection from the Moon to the Sun (11:18PM PST). After spending many months of 2011 in Aquarius, the asteroid Vesta enters Pisces (11:46PM PST) until February 25, 2012. Over the next two months, check out the safety and security of plumbing around your residence. Is the water coming out of your tap pure and uncontaminated? Make sure your insurance company is giving you the best coverage and rates.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, December 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

Cosmic Calendar for December 15th

Last night’s Mars-Saturn contra-parallel has some staying power and can give you the creeps, so-to-speak. Any time the two traditional malefic planets combine their influence, the urge to be rash and to control may form a diabolical configuration. However, coming to a partial rescue is a Moon-Jupiter parallel (1:07AM PST). Similar to a zodiacal union between the lunar orb and the largest planet, this Moon-Jupiter rapport gives you feelings of self-confidence and enthusiasm. Adding to the morning upbeat vibrations is a Sun-Moon trine in fire signs as the two lights form their 120-degree connection from Sagittarius to Leo at 8:07AM PST. Unleash your creative skills in an unusual artistic medium or play a favorite musical instrument with flair. Watch out for rising volatility around the time of a Moon-Mars parallel (12:46PM PST). Later on, confusion may be engulfing a key partnership as the Moon in Leo makes its monthly opposition to Neptune in Aquarius (5:21PM PST). Haziness on your part won’t help the situation. Fortunately, this Moon-Neptune polarity – which starts a void lunar cycle lasting until 8:00PM PST – won’t remain influential for more than a couple of hours. By the time the Moon enters industrious and meticulous Virgo at 8:00PM PST, you can now focus attention on the small details in life that either sustain your prodigious efforts or send you off on wild-goose chases for answers to subtle problems. Stock up on cereals, grains, tea, herbs, vitamins, supplements, nuts, seeds and seasonings as the Moon in Virgo trines Jupiter in Taurus (8:56PM PST). Literary and educational pursuits are reinforced. Be prepared for some new cosmic shenanigans on Friday as Mars locks horns with Jupiter while Vesta finds comfort in Neptune’s embrace.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 14th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

By Sage Romano, DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

 

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
 

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, December 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for November 30th

Daily Cosmic Calendar

by Mark Lerner for Astrology.com

Be more creative with literary pursuits in the early hours – thanks to a Moon-Mercury 60-degree alliance (5:37AM PST). Mercury continues in its reversal in Sagittarius, but is still active today as it makes a frictional, 135-degree link to giant Jupiter (11:35AM PST) and an inspirational, 72-degree rapport with far-out Neptune (3:17PM PST). Of these two mercurial connections, the one to Jupiter is clearly the most challenging since it can equate with temporary snafus on the communication and transportation fronts. However, Mercury in league with psychic-imaginative Neptune can provide you with a slew of revelations. Meanwhile, the investment picture is turned on and glowing since the Moon makes its monthly union with Vesta in Aquarius (4:24PM PST). From the positive perspective, this signals an opportunity to learn much more about how stock, bond, commodity and precious-metal markets work. In addition, with the Moon in conjunction with Vesta, it makes sense to focus attention on improving safety and security measures around your home and business. Communicate with key female figures or soul-sisters in your circle of relatives, associates and friends. Gear up for a rousing and intense start of December 2011 since the Moon unites with dream-weaver Neptune tomorrow morning followed shortly thereafter by the annual Venus union with Pluto. You need to be very alert, clear-minded and down-to-earth as November morphs into December.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to doodle.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.