I am writing this article to help myself understand how I feel about myself. And express the things about me that I hope you all can accept. ‘I’m sorry because it’s going to be like a journal entry.
I always was inclined to the Magickal world when I was young, believing in faeries, reading mythology and faery-tales, delving more deeply into the magickal world everyday as I continued to grow. I was often laughed at, made fun of and picked on at school while growing up, drawing faeries in my notebooks, and when up at the front of the class sharing my poetry and assignments. Even my parents didn’t approve of my interests, especially with them being catholic. I was always the boy reading too much Tolkein, William Butler Yeats, Diana Wynne Jones and filling my head with nonsense. I often had to hide my books and drawings, especially when I became older and started studying magickal texts and grimoires.
I think the reason I picked up this interest in learning and studying witchcraft came from the wonderful pieces of art and history that I studied, and I knew and know now that magick is real. And because of feeling alone, I wanted to connect to something. I wanted to meet the faeiries and feel the powers of the universe. I used my knowledge to gain better understanding of a hidden world veiled in shadow. I guess I might have been selfish, but it felt like I didn’t have much else.
I recall when I was 12 and saved up to get myself some tarot cards, at the local occult store. My parents forbade us from going there. So I used to have to sneak there, often going with my elder sister whom shared similar interests and whom I love very much, but sadly moved away. I got a traditional Raider Waite deck but what so fearful in keeping them, because my parents a few days back from that raided my room and found more magick books. I looked at the cards and felt their power within my hands. They were one of my earliest tools I had received.
I shivered because of what my parents had instilled in me, and when I looked at them I knew I couldn’t keep them, I had to give them back. I ran into the store to give them back but the lady there said that their power has been interrupted and touched and that you can not return tarot decks once they’ve been opened which I accepted, but I really wished she would had taken them. I had to hide them, sadly I took them too a used bookstore where they were worth almost nothing. I just thought the Occult Shop would be a better place for them.
After this I became angry not being able to express myself and having to hide everything. This only made the relationship between my parents and I worse, and I didn’t want to give my passion up. I felt so bad for the tarot cards, still feeling our connection, I remember having wept. I vowed never to rid that which is important to me just because my parents wanted me too. This was a big step for me in my development.
When I started high school, things were okay. I became very busy and met new people, having relationships that ended quickly. And still there was no place where I could express myself, except for in the art room when I got the chance to do self-initiated projects. It didn’t help by me attending a catholic school either (parents forced me too) . There is mandatory Christian Ethics class that is bearable but not interesting or fun, it was and is a place where only one view could be expressed, and that was the teachers. No open-mindedness what-so-ever!
Many students claiming to be catholic didn’t even show it, mocking and gossiping about others, talking crudely and violently (acting violently too) , and a lot of them dressing like gangsters which was the craze.
When I was 15 I remember sitting in one of my classes and being attracted to my male teacher. I began to wonder if I was gay. It was and still is very confusing. And now here was another aspect I knew no one could accept, and I had no one to talk too. I had never felt this way before with the female sex. It happened more frequently, I knew inside I was gay.
I never just gave up on being a Christian either; I was 15, and researched extensively on Christian faith. I read the bible when I was 11. I read the Catholic catechism, and studied the beliefs of the faith and the meanings of their rituals and sacraments. There was so much I didn’t agree to in Christianity. It ended, I resisted to go to church every Sunday, who I was they hated, it didn’t feel right to go their being forced to worship their God falsely and in lies. Eventually they gave up. It’s not that I hate their faith it’s just I gave it a chance and don’t share their beliefs.
When I was 16 and 3/4, in the late spring of 2007 I admitted to myself that I was gay and accepted it. I told myself. And eventually told my older sister and my cousin. Both people I knew that could accept it and me after that, they are still to this day the only ones that know along with a Psychology teacher, I guess you know too. I began to feel alone though, still there was no one I could hang with or talk too.
In and during school I stayed introverted and quiet; trying desperately just to get through unnoticed, still do. It is hard sometimes believing in yourself, having self worth, hope and love. My magick seemed bleak; I gave up on everything and became depressed. I fell into a pit and it took me a lot to crawl out healthy, and I still feel I am fighting to crawl out.
I hope gathering myself with enough money, good grades and self-understanding I will be capable to escape from this. So I plan to move away, quite far. I hope I may be able to discover and develop my Identity away from this seeming a lot me has been crushed here. I have lost time. I do feel okay presently, but I wish to feel better in the future and have less struggles. I think from writing this I have achieved something, although I am not entirely sure.