the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 23

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment’s reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.