Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you’ll have one of those baffling moments when you’re sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They’ll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren’t that type of person, and it’s no use pretending.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.