the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 2

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Deny everything.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You’ll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)