the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Watch out for vines, today. Sometime’s it’s hard to tell the difference between a vine and a creeper, until it’s too late.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

After an exciting trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, you’ll come up with a secret plan that will occupy you for many years to come. Yes – your very own Hole.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

the daily humorscope

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you’ll have one of those baffling moments when you’re sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They’ll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

It would be best, if you abandoned the Fez. You aren’t that type of person, and it’s no use pretending.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge.” This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you’ll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Soon, your cup will runneth over. Then you’ll have to moppeth it up.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 3rd

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you’ve always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.

The Planets Now for August 2nd

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
10° 08′
in Leo

Moon:
20° 37′
in Virgo

Mercury:
01° 11′
in Virgo

Venus:
06° 22′
in Leo

Mars:
29° 36′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
09° 01′
in Taurus

Saturn:
12° 27′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 24′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 16′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 04′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Conjunction: Sun Venus 3º Opposition: Mars Pluto 5º Opposition: Mercury Neptune 0º Quincunx: Venus Pluto 1º Sextile: Mercury Mars 1º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Sextile: Sun Saturn 2º Square: Mars Uranus 4º	Square: Sun Jupiter 1º Square: Uranus Pluto 0º Square: Venus Jupiter 2º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 3º Trine: Mars Neptune 0º Trine: Mercury Pluto 3º Trine: Sun Uranus 5º Trine: Venus Uranus 1º

The Sun in Leo
Courage and the force of will are primary influences while the Sun visits Leo. In some, a need for recognition may increase dramatically. An air of friendliness should be pervasive. Socializing and enjoying the good things in life are major themes during the Sun’s time in Leo. Those who are willing to assume leadership responsibilities and risks are likely to be richly rewarded during this period. Those with more aggressive personalities should be wary of becoming too domineering.

Sun Conjunct Venus
Optimism and kindness are likely to be strong. The desire to be liked by others may be quite powerful as well. Some will exude unusual amounts of charm at this time.

Sun Opposition or Square Jupiter
Ambition may swell at this time, which may lead some to over-estimate the power of their position and length of their reach. The need for personal freedom is likely to be high.

Sun Sextile or Trine Saturn
Responsible actions based on a realistic view of circumstances and your own abilities.

Sun Sextile or Trine Uranus
Creative juices should be high at this time. Non traditional thinking is favored.

Moon In Virgo
Affection is likely to be expressed by proactive action. Overt displays of love may be difficult for many to muster. Much of the affection one is shown may looked upon as suspect. Avoid endlessly critiquing yourself and those around you.

Mercury In Virgo
Paying attention to details will lead to sound, efficient solutions. Practical approaches to challenges are favored. Actual progress may be a bit slow in coming, because there will be a tendency to not put plans into action until every possible consequence is weighed.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Mars
Persuasion through verbalizing sound ideas is a key to success during this aspect. Be wary of becoming dogmatic and verbally domineering.

Mercury Opposition or Square Neptune
This aspect favors those with a rich imagination. Those possessing psychic abilities are likely to be at the peak of their powers.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Pluto
Seeking answers to “hidden truths” is likely to produce positive results during this aspect.

Venus In Leo
Doubts about the validity of “true love” are likely to be stirring one’s private thoughts. Making connections with others could be challenged by creating unrealistic expectations that others cannot possibly meet.

Venus Opposition or Square Jupiter
This aspect is likely to bring out the giving side of many. Tolerance of others as well as the need for a great deal of personal freedom are prominent themes at this time.

Venus Sextile or Trine Uranus
Be wary of unusually strong emotions that develop during this aspect. It’s likely they will pass quickly.

Mars In Gemini
Short term projects are favored. The tendency to take on more than one project at a time could be strong, and should be managed to avoid taking on more than can be done. Mental labor is favored over physical labor.

Mars Opposition or Square Uranus
Physical and mental energies are likely to be high during this aspect. The drive to attain goals will be so strong in some that their behavior will become obsessive. Short term projects are favored.

Mars Sextile or Trine Neptune
This aspect favors transforming lofty ideas into useful realities.

Mars Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect favors those who put the full force of their will into reaching their goals. During this time it would be wise not to share one’s plans and ideas with a broad audience.

Jupiter In Aries
Material gain and lifestyle security will be strong influences during this period. Many may take life much more seriously than they usually do. Tackling challenges from a practical approach is likely to yield positive results.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.

Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.

Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.

Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 2

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Deny everything.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This is a good time to buy an electric bass guitar, and take lessons. You’ll meet some interesting people that way. (Many more than if, for example, you were to buy an electric trout guitar.)

The Planets Now for Aug. 1st

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
09° 11′
in Leo

Moon:
06° 08′
in Virgo

Mercury:
01° 07′
in Virgo

Venus:
05° 09′
in Leo

Mars:
28° 56′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
08° 56′
in Taurus

Saturn:
12° 23′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 25′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 17′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 05′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Conjunction: Moon Mercury 5º Conjunction: Sun Venus 4º Opposition: Mars Pluto 6º Opposition: Mercury Neptune 0º Opposition: Moon Neptune 5º Opposition: Saturn Uranus 7º Quincunx: Moon Uranus 1º Quincunx: Venus Pluto 0º Semi-Sextile: Moon Venus 0º Sextile: Mercury Mars 2º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º	Sextile: Sun Saturn 3º Square: Mars Uranus 5º Square: Sun Jupiter 0º Square: Uranus Pluto 0º Square: Venus Jupiter 3º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 3º Trine: Mars Neptune 1º Trine: Mercury Pluto 3º Trine: Moon Jupiter 2º Trine: Moon Pluto 1º Trine: Sun Uranus 4º Trine: Venus Uranus 0º

Sun Conjunct Venus
Optimism and kindness are likely to be strong. The desire to be liked by others may be quite powerful as well. Some will exude unusual amounts of charm at this time.

Sun Sextile or Trine Saturn
Responsible actions based on a realistic view of circumstances and your own abilities.

Sun Sextile or Trine Uranus
Creative juices should be high at this time. Non traditional thinking is favored.

Moon Conjunct Mercury
Searching for the psychological triggers of one’s behavior and desires may be in order. A need to better understand our species place in the scheme of things is also likely.

Moon Sextile or Trine Jupiter
Now is an excellent time to mend past grievances. Sincerity and warmth will serve one well.

Moon Opposition or Square Neptune
Generally it is best to avoid confrontation during this aspect. Many are likely to find the arts very attractive during this period. Exploring one’s dreams and fantasies may be used as a way to avoid confronting life’s crueler moments.

Moon Sextile or Trine Pluto
Passions are likely to run high during this aspect. Exploring the world’s mysteries may be a very attractive pursuit at this time.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Mars
Persuasion through verbalizing sound ideas is a key to success during this aspect. Be wary of becoming dogmatic and verbally domineering.

Mercury Opposition or Square Neptune
This aspect favors those with a rich imagination. Those possessing psychic abilities are likely to be at the peak of their powers.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Pluto
Seeking answers to “hidden truths” is likely to produce positive results during this aspect.

Venus Sextile or Trine Uranus
Be wary of unusually strong emotions that develop during this aspect. It’s likely they will pass quickly.

Mars Sextile or Trine Neptune
This aspect favors transforming lofty ideas into useful realities.

Jupiter Sextile or Trine Pluto
Visions of what is possible on a grand scale are likely during this aspect. Those who set their goals according to their current vision are likely to do well.

Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Uranus
Those who aren’t afraid of a little hard work are favored by this aspect. Remaining focused and taking things seriously are likely to produce substantial rewards. The ability to quickly change to stay atop rapidly evolving circumstances is a very valuable asset at this time.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

Neptune Trine Pluto
The exploration of spiritual issues is favored during this aspect. Introspection should lead many to better understand the underlying motives behind their behavior.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 1

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 01, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will pass a sign that says “invorp” today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means “put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them”. They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to begin writing that book you’ve been planning — “Growing Radishes Indoors”. It’s an idea whose time has come.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm — they can sense fear.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Birthstones

The link between heavenly bodies and gems is continued in the concept of birthstones. Birthstone lists vary because some are arranged according to the zodiac and some according to calendar months. The list presented here is an abbreviated list of the most authentic traditions. However, it is always more beneficial to use a stone to which you are attracted too, rather than one you feel you should have simply because it is linked to your zodiac sun sign, which is only one aspect of your full birthchart.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – carnelian, bloodstone, jasper, diamond

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20) – tourmaline, tiger’s eye, topaz, emerald.

Gemini ( May 21 – Jun. 20) – aquamarine, citrine, chrysocolla, tiger’s eye, pearl

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) – moonstone, pearl, ruby, emerald

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug 22) – ruby, heliodor, sunstone, clear quartz

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) – sapphire, peridot, carnelian, citrine

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22) – lapis lazuli, opal, aventurine, peridot

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – obsidian, Herkimer diamond, topaz, aquamarine

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – blue quartz, amethyst, malachite, turquoise

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – jet, black onyx cl,ear quartz, black tourmaline

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – amethyst, sapphire, chalcedony, garnet

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) – turquoise, pearl, rose quartz, aquamarine

the daily humorscopes for saturday, july 30

the daily humorscope

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Beware of the Spanish Inquisition, today. They may show up unexpectedly.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to act childish. For example, when’s the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime jello, though.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you should enjoy “postlaunch solarizing.” Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It’s your life, you tell me.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

the daily humorscopes for friday, july 29th

the daily humorscope

Friday, July 29, 2011

the dailyAries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say “nothing succeeds like success” must have sounded like a real idiot.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

An apple a day will keep the doctor away. Another tip you should consider: fresh figs can be used to avoid plumbers.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will be overly impressed by a commercial for a golf club, which describes it as a “weapon of incredible range and power”. You will make people nervous by referring to your pencil as “a weapon of incredible pointyness and surprise”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 28

the daily humorscope

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink…when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will find that it is true – every thing is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic. Well, except for running shoes, of course.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization”. Time to go on a diet!

The Planets Now for July 27th

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).

Sun:
04° 24′
in Leo

Moon:
26° 23′
in Gemini

Mercury:
29° 33′
in Leo

Venus:
28° 58′
in Cancer

Mars:
25° 33′
in Gemini

Jupiter:
08° 27′
in Taurus

Saturn:
12° 01′
in Libra

Uranus:
04° 30′
in Aries

Neptune:
00° 24′
in Pisces

Pluto:
05° 12′
in Capricorn

Aspects:
Conjunction: Moon Mars 0º Conjunction: Sun Venus 5º Opposition: Mercury Neptune 0º Opposition: Saturn Uranus 7º Quincunx: Sun Pluto 0º Quincunx: Venus Neptune 1º Semi-Sextile: Mercury Venus 0º Semi-Sextile: Moon Venus 2º Sextile: Mercury Mars 3º	Sextile: Moon Mercury 3º Sextile: Neptune Pluto 4º Square: Sun Jupiter 4º Square: Uranus Pluto 0º Trine: Jupiter Pluto 3º Trine: Mars Neptune 4º Trine: Mercury Pluto 5º Trine: Moon Neptune 4º Trine: Sun Uranus 0º Trine: Venus Uranus 5º

Sun Conjunct Venus
Optimism and kindness are likely to be strong. The desire to be liked by others may be quite powerful as well. Some will exude unusual amounts of charm at this time.

Sun Sextile or Trine Uranus
Creative juices should be high at this time. Non traditional thinking is favored.

Moon In Gemini
Many may find themselves disconnected from their emotions at this time. For some, their emotions, passions may make them a little uncomfortable. The need for mental stimulation is likely high.

Moon Sextile or Trine Mercury
Insight into the psychological motivation behind individual’s behavior is very strong at this time.

Moon Conjunct Mars
The need for action may be very pronounced. Excessive aggression could cause at work and at home problems.

Moon Sextile or Trine Neptune
Avoiding chaotic situations is critical to maintaining a healthy balance and moving forward towards one’s goals.

Mercury In Leo
Logical thinking and consistent behavior are favored. While there may be a pronounced laid-back attitude towards life, an underlying need to succeed and solid planning will power progress. Now is a good time to further one’s education.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Mars
Persuasion through verbalizing sound ideas is a key to success during this aspect. Be wary of becoming dogmatic and verbally domineering.

Mercury Opposition or Square Neptune
This aspect favors those with a rich imagination. Those possessing psychic abilities are likely to be at the peak of their powers.

Mercury Sextile or Trine Pluto
Seeking answers to “hidden truths” is likely to produce positive results during this aspect.

Venus In Cancer
The need to physically and spiritually express one’s love for their partner may be a very strong motivator. Indeed, the need to please may be so strong that it becomes so free floating that almost anyone could be the recipient.