Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Days Of The Week Comments

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, May 22nd

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants:Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger

Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.  

Magickal Graphics

Your Daily Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Daily Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

 
 
It’s challenging to know what to do with all the new information we receive today. However, yesterday’s Solar Eclipse was a turning point, and the flighty Gemini Moon reminds us that we don’t have our feet back on the ground yet. But even if we perceive our world differently now, mental Mercury’s run-in with naysayer Saturn prevents us from flying with an untested idea. It will take time to integrate our clever thoughts into the real world.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Everything seems to be moving too quickly — even though you speedy Rams are the Champions of Fast. You’re also the Champions of First, but being in front of everyone else isn’t what’s most important now. Slow down your words so your heart can catch up to your thoughts, or otherwise you’ll be the cleverest lonely person around. Even if you think too much today, saying less helps to maintain the peace.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Although your thinking picks up a bit of speed from the agile Gemini Moon, the urgency of your message is diminished by communicator Mercury’s presence in steady Taurus. It’s easier now to let go of those things that quietly bother you because you recognize that you won’t find resolution today. Nevertheless, your natural persistence enables you to restore balance between your current need for immediate gratification and your willingness to wait until the timing is right.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your world is changing faster than you realize. Even if you have a well thought-out plan, rational Mercury’s anxious quincunx with sobering Saturn just might send you back to the drawing board to tighten your logic. Meanwhile, the Moon dances along in your sign, but it’s not a simple tune that’s playing, especially if you are trying to hold on to a feeling from the past. Nevertheless, share what’s in your heart before it’s too late.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Fear is creeping into your subconscious mind today and turning your imagination two shades darker. Just remember that dark doesn’t necessarily imply evil; it simply means an absence of light. What you think and feel can seem more real now than reality itself. Enjoy the magic of the Hall of Mirrors without needing to know what’s going to happen next. Fortunately, your active imagination holds the keys to your future.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

There’s an important shift brewing in your social world now that the Sun, Moon and Venus are all occupying your 11th House of Friends. Something out of the ordinary may occur, ultimately making you feel as if your friends or co-workers aren’t even on your side. However, these feelings could be just an illusion playing a trick on you. Let things develop naturally and don’t try to read too much into the current situation.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

If everything at work appears to be too good to be true today, then something is about to change. However, if progress has been bumpy, it may be smart to examine what changes you could initiate. But don’t get too impatient or your frustration can put a negative spin on your professional relationships. It is to your advantage to allow the tensions to resolve gradually, without applying too much pressure to have things go your way.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You tend to be rather philosophical about your day, even if it doesn’t turn out as you envisioned it. Instead of getting all stressed out over a necessary change of plans, you might just quietly adapt as required. Nevertheless, there’s still a price to be paid for missing your mark. Instead of wasting energy worrying about a setback, process your disappointment quickly so you can set new goals and try again.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The current cluster of planets in your 8th House of Shared Resources might affect your material possessions and income status. However, this emphasis is just as often about non-material things that others bring into your life, including love and sexuality. You may secretly wish that you could withdraw for a bit to re-evaluate the complexity of a relationship. Instead, stay connected to those around you and save the contemplation for another day.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

No matter how much you apply your analytical thinking today, you might not be able to figure out what’s going on in the mind of your partner. Whatever is usually transparent has now gone dark, making it impossible to accurately read the situation. Stop trying so hard to solve a temporarily unsolvable mystery. Instead, focus on the beauty in those you love and support them the best way you can.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Concentrating on the details of your work is extremely helpful today. If you do your job right, your efforts will bring you the rewards and recognition that you seek. In the meantime, there are probably more tasks to do than you expected. Even if you would rather celebrate your impending success now, don’t go popping any corks until you are absolutely positive that your tasks are truly done.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your romantic world may be in for a change, yet you cannot see what’s around the next corner. However, prior to your pursuit of happiness, you first need to finish the business that’s still on your plate. Don’t try to rush the process since it will happen on its own timetable. Instead, focus on the possibilities of your creativity, without worrying about concrete production for now.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

It’s difficult to move forward today, even if you’re enthusiastic about your next project. You might prefer hiding out in your office or at home, sharing your plans online or over the phone, as the Sun and the Moon visit your 4th House of Emotional Security. Nevertheless, it’s wise now to push beyond your comfort zone. Nothing ventured; nothing gained.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Magickal Correspondences for Friday, May 18th

Magickal Correspondences for Friday, May 18th

Magickal Intentions: Love, Romance, Marriage, Sexual Matters, Physical Beauty, Friendship and Partnerships, Strangers and Heart
Incense: Strawberry, Sandalwood, Rose, Saffron and Vanilla
Planet: Venus
Sign: Libra and Taurus
Angel: Ariel
Colors: Green, Pink, Aqua
Herbs/Plants: Pink Rose, Ivy, Birch, Heather, Clematis, Sage, Violet and Water Lily Stones: Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Pink Tourmaline, Peridot, Emerald and Jade
Oil: (Venus) Cardamom, Palmrosa, Rose, Yarrow

Friday belongs to Venus, and its energies are warm, sensuous, and fulfilling. Efforts that involve any type of pleasure, comfort, and luxury, as well as the arts, music, or aroma (incense and perfume) works well on this day. As Venus lends its sensuous influences to the energies of this day, use it for any magical work that deals with matters of the heart.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

ELEMENTAL MAGICK – EARTH

ELEMENTAL MAGICK – EARTH

The elemental Spirits of Earth are the Gnomes.

Mastering The Element Earth….

1- Make a list of things which have the combined qualities of dryness and
coolness. However, don’t to this just out of your head. Rather, make a list of
Earth things that you see each day. Practice this for one week. Be sure to
record the results each day in your magickal diary.

2- Find a place filled with nature, such as a field or park. Wear as little
clothing as you can (if possible, nudity is best), and sit or lie on the ground
so that as much of your skin as possible is touching the ground. This is
especially easy for women, as they can simply wear a flowing skirt with no
underwear and sit on the ground with the skirt spread out. Spend some time
contemplating, feeling the coolness and dryness of the Earth. You should do this
at least three times within a week.

3- Spend a period of up to three minutes (no more), once a day, imagining that
you are the element Earth. Feel the heaviness, the slowness, the coolness and
dryness of Earth. Feel the way you can absorb the pains and problems of the
world (however, do not actually do so). Become Earth. Do this exercise for at
least a week before moving to the next exercise.

4- Once you have leaned to “be Earth”, the next step is to control the element
Earth. Bring the feeling from the previous exercise into your consciousness.
Next, hold your hands 9-12 inches apart, palms facing each other. Imagine a
bottle or box between your hands. Now, as you exhale, visualize all of the Earth
element which is in you going out with your breath and into the container
between your hands. Three to five breaths should be enough to fill it. Then,
with three breaths, inhale it back into you and go back to normal consciousness.

THE TEST
The next time you feel lightheaded, overweight, just heavy and lethargic, do
this exercise. If you feel lighter and better, you have succeeded, with the test
AND with mastering the element Earth.

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, May 14, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 13th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there’s a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, May 10

Make steady progress in business and investment matters under the favorable energy-field of the Moon in Capricorn in trine to the Sun in Taurus (5:04AM PDT). This is quickly followed by an equally auspicious and optimism-generating Moon-Jupiter trine in the same earth signs (8:58AM PDT). What could land you in hot water is a Mercury-Mars parallel (9:29AM PDT). This sky pattern can go either way – to give you a boost of emotional and mental vitality or push you to act too fast, without carefully thinking of the potential consequences. Before you know it, the Moon in Capricorn squares Saturn in Libra (12:12PM PDT) – starting a void uncertainty zone that lasts until 10:04PM PDT. During this 9+ hour twilight zone, complete odd jobs and old ventures, but don’t initiate bold, new plans. Have fun with photography, film or video work, poetry and painting, improvisational music and dance while Mercury forms a supportive, 60-degree rapport with Neptune (3:00PM PDT). This may also be a good time to enhance your spiritual studies. Your productivity quotient can reach new heights during the void lunar cycle as Mercury forms a strong parallel with Ceres (8:53PM PDT). Once the Moon enters the universal air sign of Aquarius (10:04PM PDT), start thinking more about joining forces with other like-minded souls in global and humanitarian efforts. Write down overnight dreams as they could be precognitive and tune you into future events as Mercury forms another engaging contact with Neptune, this time a contra-parallel that becomes exact at 5:04AM PDT tomorrow morning.

Your Magickal Correspondences for Friday, May 4

Magickal Correspondences for Friday, May 4

Magickal Intentions: Love, Romance, Marriage, Sexual Matters, Physical Beauty, Friendship and Partnerships, Strangers and Heart
Incense: Strawberry, Sandalwood, Rose, Saffron and Vanilla
Planet: Venus
Sign: Libra and Taurus
Angel: Ariel
Colors: Green, Pink, Aqua
Herbs/Plants: Pink Rose, Ivy, Birch, Heather, Clematis, Sage, Violet and Water Lilly Stones: Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Pink Tourmaline, Peridot, Emerald and Jade
Oil: (Venus) Cardamom, Palmrosa, Rose, Yarrow

Friday belongs to Venus, and its energies are warm, sensuous, and fulfilling. Efforts that involve any type of pleasure, comfort, and luxury, as well as the arts, music, or aroma (incense and perfume) works well on this day. As Venus lends its sensuous influences to the energies of this day, use it for any magical work that deals with matters of the heart.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Friday, May 4

Because we are still in the glowing aura of tomorrow night’s impending Full Moon, all of today is considered a preparatory time-period in which you can gear up for the enlightening vibrations due to arrive on Saturday evening. Think more about your higher destiny of service to humanity and the kingdoms of nature rather than fulfilling your own personal needs. Pointing in this idealistic direction are an early-morning Moon-Neptune parallel (2:00AM PDT), the Moon trine Venus in air signs (6:17AM PDT) as well as a healing-boost coming from Jupiter making an inspirational, 72-degree link to Chiron (7:30AM PDT). Thus, the first part of this day is superb for opening the gates of higher knowledge and wisdom across the board. As the Moon makes its monthly union with Saturn in Libra (11:03AM PDT) – focusing renewed attention on rising to the top of the totem pole in your professional life – this lunar conjunction with taskmaster Saturn also begins a fairly lengthy void twilight zone that lasts until 7:21PM PDT. During this 8+ hour uncertainty time-span come to grips with recent changes on the relationship front and remain receptive to hearing what your intuition knows is true since the Sun is also in league with Neptune via an inspirational, 72-degree rapport (4:43PM PDT). Nonetheless, it is wise and sensible to finish odds and ends during any void lunar cycle. Once the Moon dives into the intense rapids of Scorpio (7:21PM PDT), see whether your Agatha Christie or Perry Mason disguise still fits you. Being a top-notch, amateur detective and investigator fills the bill when the lunar orb transits the usually secretive and mysterious eighth sign of the zodiac. Keep a notebook by your bed overnight to record nocturnal soul-wanderings and visions of the great beyond as the Moon trines Neptune in water signs (11:56PM PDT).

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Wednesday, May 2

Your inner scholar is ready to shine and get straight A’s in a field of study close to your heart – thanks to a harmonious trine in earth signs from the Moon in Virgo to expansive Jupiter in Taurus (3:22AM PDT). While you are excelling on the higher educational track, the Moon jumps ship and begins a more abrasive square pattern to Venus (3:59AM PDT) – a frictional tie that also starts a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 7:05PM PDT when the Moon enters airy Libra. If you are a newcomer to reading this calendar, please realize that void lunar cycles are opportunities to finish old business on a high note. However, you don’t want to initiate bold, new ventures because they could fizzle out or not evolve into the successful achievements you are envisioning. Once the Moon is happily moving into Libran territory (7:05PM PDT), the best game plan is to improve the quality of your primary partnerships while also exploring various artistic media that can develop into favorite hobbies. On Tuesday, the Moon activated a potentially revelatory grand triangle with Ceres and Pluto. Now we have Ceres and Pluto actually making their own, official trine of 120-degrees in earth signs (11:28PM PDT). Be as productive as possible in your main fields of expertise as Wednesday morphs into Thursday.

Daily Correspondences for Friday, April 27th

Daily Correspondences for Friday, April 27th

Magickal Intentions: Love, Romance, Marriage, Sexual Matters, Physical Beauty, Friendship and Partnerships, Strangers and Heart
Incense: Strawberry, Sandalwood, Rose, Saffron and Vanilla
Planet: Venus
Sign: Libra and Taurus
Angel: Ariel
Colors: Green, Pink, Aqua
Herbs/Plants: Pink Rose, Ivy, Birch, Heather, Clematis, Sage, Violet and Water Lilly Stones: Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Pink Tourmaline, Peridot, Emerald and Jade
Oil: (Venus) Cardamom, Palmrosa, Rose, Yarrow

Friday belongs to Venus, and its energies are warm, sensuous, and fulfilling. Efforts that involve any type of pleasure, comfort, and luxury, as well as the arts, music, or aroma (incense and perfume) works well on this day. As Venus lends its sensuous influences to the energies of this day, use it for any magical work that deals with matters of the heart.

Magickal Correspondences for April 20th

Friday Images, Pics, Comments, Graphics
Correspondences for April 20th

Magickal Intentions: Love, Romance, Marriage, Sexual Matters, Physical Beauty, Friendship and Partnerships, Strangers and Heart
Incense: Strawberry, Sandalwood, Rose, Saffron and Vanilla
Planet: Venus
Sign: Libra and Taurus
Angel: Ariel
Colors: Green, Pink, Aqua
Herbs/Plants: Pink Rose, Ivy, Birch, Heather, Clematis, Sage, Violet and Water Lilly Stones: Rose Quartz, Moonstone, Pink Tourmaline, Peridot, Emerald and Jade
Oil: (Venus) Cardamom, Palmrosa, Rose, Yarrow

Friday belongs to Venus, and its energies are warm, sensuous, and fulfilling. Efforts that involve any type of pleasure, comfort, and luxury, as well as the arts, music, or aroma (incense and perfume) works well on this day. As Venus lends its sensuous influences to the energies of this day, use it for any magical work that deals with matters of the heart.