Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for Friday, September 2nd

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won’t mind — it’ll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you’ll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for a nice nap.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 1st

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, September 01, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn’t done.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertebrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although I’m not sure how.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 31

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton.” (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will acquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for Tuesday, August 30

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, August 29

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 29, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 25

the daily humorscope

Thursday, August 25, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realised it already did…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else’s tummy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 24

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber ducky, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 23

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment’s reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 22

the daily humorscope

Monday, August 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word “plumbaginous” in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will insist on being called “El Magnifico”, today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So. You let your “mole plants” die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn’t work, there’s a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Summer is almost over, and you know what that means: office supplies! Any reputable biologist will tell you that we humans have a powerful biological urge to buy office supplies when the weather turns cooler. Many societies disguise this by using the “back to school” euphemism. In your case, you should give in to your natural tendencies – fighting isn’t healthy.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 21, 2011

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to fidget.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try to avoid things that are squooshy today. Especially giant green squooshy things that probably came from outer space. (Hint: most giant green squooshy things are, in fact, from outer space.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Hide.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, august 20

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will decide that you like the name “Sven” better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon.” My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn’t. It’s not your fault, you’ve been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn’t care. Not if they’re going to act like that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 18

the daily humorscope

Thursday, August 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re about to spend a considerable amount of time with someone who personifies “dour.” The kind of person who never once clapped for Tinkerbell, even as a child. Just ignore them, if you can. If you can’t ignore them, pretend they are a duck.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand — tomorrow will be ugly.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, august 16th

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A huge red balloon will float by you, today, being pursued by a small person of the French persuasion, and a film crew. If you wish to cause cross-cultural mirth, cross your eyes, talk in a high pitched voice, and whack yourself in the head with a baguette. Otherwise, don’t.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will wrestle with your conscience today, but will be disqualified for using an illegal hold.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Careful, filling is hot!.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 15th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, August 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to sneak.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!.” That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

the daily humorscope for August 14th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn’t eat so much candy before going to bed?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will discover you have a certain flair for copywriting, and will pick up a little extra spending money by doing window signs for stores, such as “Going Out Of Business. Waaaah!”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you’ll idly wonder what ever happened to Alan Alda, since his MASH days. Believe me, you don’t want to know. Neither do I (and I don’t). I just know that neither of us wants to.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
More trouble with that annoying “bluebird of happiness” today. With any luck, the cat will get it.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll need to sign some important papers soon. Remember the words of Tom Waitts in this case “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away

the daily humorscopes for saturday, august 13

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Most people are aware that it’s supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it’s even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of turnips.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”

the daily humorscopes for friday, august 12th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, August 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick nacks.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Things aren’t going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Time to start a new fashion trend. Look at it this way: there had to be a first person to wear a necktie, didn’t there? Today, every western man has to wear one to dress well. You can almost certainly do better – you probably aren’t a deranged masochist with choking fantasies!

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 11th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I’d make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 10th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.