Tag: Aries

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, December 19, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 22)
Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

  • Annie B. Bond

Our sun-sign horoscope can give us a simple but powerful affirmation of what it is we seek in this life. As we begin the new year we could all benefit from this reminder, to help us stay on the path that is right for us.

Find out what your sun sign tells you about your deepest soul nature, and what it is you seek, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I seek my Self. I accept my energy and ability to launch new actions for the betterment and benefit of myself or for others.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I seek my Self through what I have. I use stability and persistence for the benefit of myself and others.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I seek my Self through what I think. My keen perceptive intuition is all that is needed for the evolution of myself and others.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I seek my Self through what I feel. I am the star in a sea of stars, I am Water and the Moon, I provide the haven, the safe haven, in the universe.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I seek my Self through what I create. I am the Monarch of the universe, I am the Heart of hearts. I am the heart of Creative energy.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I seek my Self through what I learn. I am the Magician of the universe. I accept the healing and magical powers I have or will use. The key for tapping into my deeper resource is the ever-increasing acceptance of who I am now.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I seek my Self through what I unite. I hold the celestial balance in my hands; I am the Cosmic Judge. I am the artist and the lover, Peacemaker of the Heavens.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I seek my Self through what I desire. I am the Transformer, I am the Keeper of Mysteries, I am the Mystic.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I seek, therefore I am. I am the Seer of the Zodiac. I am the future now. I remember the future.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I seek my Self through what I use. I am enterprising, the Builder, the Organizer who looks toward higher orders, greater justice, constantly building relationships, families, communities, and countries.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I seek my Self through Humanity. I am the Truth Sayer, the Scientist, the Revolutionary. I am the genius Sign of the Zodiac.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I seek my Self when I don’t seek my Self. I amt he Beloved, I am the Loving, I am the Poet. I am the Divine Dark Warrior, I am the Divine White Healer.

 

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

  • Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

Yule Comments & Graphics

the daily humorscope

Saturday, December 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Your Horoscope Vacation

Your Horoscope Vacation

  • Cait Johnson

The ideal vacation for a fiery, active Aries will probably look very different than the getaway for a tradition-loving Taurus or a super-organized Virgo, for instance. The wisdom from our sun sign can show us how to get the maximum in soul-nurturance from our summer break.

Find out what your horoscope can tell you about your ideal vacation here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: You will probably prefer a break that includes a lot of physical activity: surfing, kayaking, hiking, or vigorous sightseeing. If the rest of your family prefers loafing on the beach, find ways to stay on an even keel by doing yoga or tai chi in the sand.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Taurus people generally prefer going to places that are familiar and traditional. This year, you might want to hoist yourself out of your rut and go someplace new. Wherever you go, you will find the deepest nurturance in the fertile green energy of nature.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Geminis sometimes find it hard to feel grounded and to quiet their quickly-moving minds. You might consider taking a meditation retreat to help yourself be deeply present and still. If your family wants to do a theme park instead, just make sure you take time to go someplace quiet and simply sit.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: It can be difficult to get sensitive home-loving Cancers to go anywhere, but the seaside is a natural choice if you do decide to leave the safety and comfort of home. Allow the sound of the surf to bring you ease.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Most Leos love vacations that offer plenty of opportunity for your vitality to shine, so anything from karaoke singing to drama workshops to simply being the tour guide for your family may all appeal. You are a natural activities-director and entertainer, so enjoy!

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: It is all too easy for Virgos to get caught up in the details of planning the vacation and forget to relax and be in the moment. But time spent gardening (or visiting famous gardens) or simply indulging in wonderful organic meals will help to soothe you.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony-loving Libras may find they are more focused on pleasing everyone else when it comes to taking a vacation than in pleasing themselves. Be sure to feed your sensitive spirit with plenty of beauty, both natural and human: art museums and natural vistas both will offer soul-food.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Because Scorpios are so drawn to the depths, your ideal vacation may involve a spiritual workshop of some kind, or learning an esoteric practice, or doing deep couples work with your partner. If not, then snorkeling or scuba-diving might offer a literal way for you to explore those depths of which you are so fond.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Sparkly Sagittarians usually need plenty of activity and social interaction to feed their souls. Your ideal vacation might involve a group tour of some interesting spot or a glimpse of another culture.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Work-oriented Capricorns usually need to be pried away from their desks and routines with a crowbar, but if you do decide you deserve a break, time spent in the mountains or some other expansive view will help you to unwind.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your fertile imagination will take pleasure in coming up with meaningful activities to share with your closest loved ones. Anything that offers spiritual inspiration will be likely to engage and nurture you.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Because of your dedication to service, your ideal vacation may involve some kind of environmental or social outreach: helping to clean up a park or building a house for the needy may appeal to your altruistic nature. If your family just wants to have fun, you can channel your need to help in smaller but no less important ways.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 16, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

What Does Your Sun-Sign Seek?

  • Annie B. Bond

Our sun-sign horoscope can give us a simple but powerful affirmation of what it is we seek in this life. As we begin the new year we could all benefit from this reminder, to help us stay on the path that is right for us.

Find out what your sun sign tells you about your deepest soul nature, and what it is you seek, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I seek my Self. I accept my energy and ability to launch new actions for the betterment and benefit of myself or for others.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I seek my Self through what I have. I use stability and persistence for the benefit of myself and others.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I seek my Self through what I think. My keen perceptive intuition is all that is needed for the evolution of myself and others.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I seek my Self through what I feel. I am the star in a sea of stars, I am Water and the Moon, I provide the haven, the safe haven, in the universe.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I seek my Self through what I create. I am the Monarch of the universe, I am the Heart of hearts. I am the heart of Creative energy.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I seek my Self through what I learn. I am the Magician of the universe. I accept the healing and magical powers I have or will use. The key for tapping into my deeper resource is the ever-increasing acceptance of who I am now.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I seek my Self through what I unite. I hold the celestial balance in my hands; I am the Cosmic Judge. I am the artist and the lover, Peacemaker of the Heavens.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I seek my Self through what I desire. I am the Transformer, I am the Keeper of Mysteries, I am the Mystic.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I seek, therefore I am. I am the Seer of the Zodiac. I am the future now. I remember the future.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I seek my Self through what I use. I am enterprising, the Builder, the Organizer who looks toward higher orders, greater justice, constantly building relationships, families, communities, and countries.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I seek my Self through Humanity. I am the Truth Sayer, the Scientist, the Revolutionary. I am the genius Sign of the Zodiac.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I seek my Self when I don’t seek my Self. I amt he Beloved, I am the Loving, I am the Poet. I am the Divine Dark Warrior, I am the Divine White Healer.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 14th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone will attempt to get you to stay in one place today, by telling you that you are surrounded by 100 black poisonous snakes (which are invisible). You will make a daring escape, despite the risk involved.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you’re in fine shape, mentally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you’ll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t worry — that fortune cookie was wrong.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

  • Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

the daily humorscopes for monday, december 12th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, December 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You’ll need it. (You know…for the marketing meeting.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Your Native American Horoscope

Your Native American Horoscope

  • Annie B. Bond

Many Native American traditions teach that there are twelve Earth Personalities that make up the Earth Medicine Wheel. These form an earth-centered horoscope that gives us valuable information about our totem animal, our personality, and our spirit-task in life. Find out which Earth Personality you are, as well as your totem animal and your principle life-lesson:

March 21 – April 19: The Awakening Time. Falcon.
Your principle lessons: Discovering that happiness comes through sharing, and that individuality need not be selfish but van be expressed more fully when it is in harmony with others.

April 20 – May 20: The Growing Time. Beaver.
Your principle lessons: Your worst emotional traumas are likely to be in those areas of your life in which the tendency to form attachments extends into close personal relationships and becomes possessive. Through the grist of experience you are cultivating flexibility, adaptability, and compassion. You need to give others the “space” to be themselves, just as you demand the space to be “you.”

May 21 – June 20: The Flowering Time. Deer.
Your principle lessons: The rifts you have with others indicate divisions within yourself. You are learning how to co-ordinate that which appears to be contrary but which truly is complementary.

June 21 – July 21: The Long Days Time. Woodpecker.
Your principle lessons: To learn to treasure the moment. Not to dwell on regrets of the past or on expectations of what may be in the future, but to recognize that the power to make changes ins always in the Now! The challenges you face on your Earth “Walk” are to enable you to mature through the experience of closeness. Much stress and anxiety may be caused through tenaciously holding on to what has served its purpose, and through mistaking attachment for love. The ability to let go is often a test of true love.

July 22 – August 21: The Ripening Time. Salmon.
Your principle lessons: You are frequently faced with situations which challenge your stubborn resistance to change, and with the need to become more flexible and adaptable through developing a regard for the emotional needs of others. You are learning to recognized that fulfillment comes not so much through the forcefulness of making things happen, but through allowing things to be.

August 22 – September 21: The Harvesting Time. Brown Bear.
Your principle lessons: Whatever you are searching for is to be found where you are. You are learning to know when to exert energy to effect a change, and when to accept circumstances that cannot be changed.

September 22 – October 22: The Falling Leaves Time. Crow.
Your principle lessons: To gain the inner strength that comes from acting firmly on your convictions, and acquiring the wisdom that results from making sound judgments.

October 23 – November 22: The Frost Time. Snake.
Your principle lessons: Your impatience causes you pain and discomfort, but such traumas are teaching you the need for proper timing. Being confronted with seemingly formidable tasks and difficult tests is part of the regenerative process inherent in your nature, which can enable you to transform what was into that which may now be. Such challenges push you beyond your own self-limitations.

November 23 – December 21: The Long Nights Time. Owl.
Your principle lessons: Learning to manage your potentials by not dissipating your energies in too many directions at once. Attainment of inner sight so you can perceive beyond the obvious, and a warm heart so you can be compassionate towards those who stumble around in the dark.

December 22 – January 19: The Renewal Time. Goose.
Your principle lessons: These are derived from your efforts to arrange and conserve, for their purpose is to teach you self-reliance and self-sufficiency in order to establish your own identity.

January 20 – February 18: The Cleansing Time. Otter.
Your principle lessons: To help you to find the courage to act more on an inner “knowing” than on other peoples expectancies. You are learning to turn visions into practical realities through struggle and even adversity.

February 19 – March 20: The Blustery Winds Time. Wolf.
Your principle lessons: To learn to become more discriminating in facing the demands that are constantly made upon you. The challenges of your life are for the purpose of enabling you to break free from entanglements that are limiting and restrictive, so your horizons can be extended.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

Your Horoscope New Year’s Resolutions

  • Annie B. Bond

‘Tis the season to make New Year resolutions–and to break them just as quickly, at least partly because the very language of most resolutions (“I will lose weight! I will stop smoking!”) is punitive and belittling to the soul. But our horoscope sun-sign can point the way to a life-affirming resolution your spirit can really get behind.

These resolutions speak a powerful, positive language that our spiritual selves respond to, in accordance with what is best in us, and working hand in hand with our deeper purpose in life. Find out the affirming resolution for your sun-sign, here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: I will allow my courage to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: I will focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: I will share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: I will trust that my sensitive heart is continually nourished by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: I will know that my vital imagination is the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: I will give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: I will create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: I will rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: I will speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

 

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: I will begin behaving as if my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

 

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: I will be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

 

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: I will believe that my deep intuition is a benefit to all my relations.

 

Your Daily Horoscopes for December 10th

The tension between our most immediate needs and our future goals is amplified today when the unsettled Gemini Full Moon Eclipse is illuminated by the Sun in far-reaching Sagittarius at 9:36 am EST. Unexpected events can suddenly relieve the stress because erratic Uranus ends its retrograde period. Additional weirdness abounds as the Sun forms otherworldly septiles with conservative Saturn and rebellious Uranus, turning this busy day upside down.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

It’s challenging to find your groove today because the Gemini Lunar Eclipse rattles your 3rd House of Immediate Environment. However, you may finally establish a sustainable rhythm later in the day once your frustration peaks. It’s pointless wasting energy worrying about what you could have done if only you were able to focus sooner. Instead, just do what you can, knowing that your concentration will improve over the days ahead.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Although you probably won’t want to deal with financial concerns today, it’s wise to attend to money matters with the Gemini Lunar Eclipse stressing your 2nd House of Personal Resources. At least make sure your bills are paid before you purchase a luxury item. It’s smart to know exactly how much you have to spend, especially with the holidays rapidly approaching. Keep in mind that the best gifts are the ones that come from the heart and not just the wallet.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You may feel anxious today with the Full Moon Eclipse in your restless sign, especially if you recently made commitments that you’re now reconsidering. Your vulnerability leaves you feeling uncomfortable, tempting you to escape by withdrawing socially or running away from an unsatisfactory romantic involvement. Nevertheless, don’t make any impulsive moves that could adversely affect a meaningful relationship because your emotions are still in a state of flux.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It’s challenging to understand your own feelings today as the Gemini Lunar Eclipse polarizes your 12th House of Fantasy. Although your emotions may be quite intense, frustration is high because words can’t express what you want. Don’t try so hard to get your message across now. It will be much easier to say what you want tomorrow after the Moon enters your sign and you can speak from your heart.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

This could be a very social day as the Gemini Full Moon Eclipse energizes your 11th House of Friends. But the stress level may be amplified because you wish you could have quality time with a special companion instead of being one of the group. However, losing yourself in a crowd isn’t all bad, for it allows you to maintain some anonymity. But it’s a good idea to wait until you’re ready before talking about a topic that you’re not ready to share.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today’s Full Moon Eclipse in adaptable Gemini stimulates your 10th House of Career, revealing your ambiguity about work these days. You’re being pulled in two directions, making it tough to choose a single course of action. Meanwhile, personal activities or projects at home could distract you from professional responsibilities. Postpone major decisions for a few days until you have had more time to think things through.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your desire to go somewhere far away accentuates your restless feelings today as the Gemini Lunar Eclipse activates your 9th House of Adventure. However, the Moon is offset by the Sun in your 3rd House of Immediate Environment, giving you good reasons to stay close to home. Don’t worry if you can’t resolve your current travel dilemma right away. Daydreaming about an incredible journey from the comfort of your couch may be better now than actually taking one at this time.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You might believe that you have chosen the easier path, only to realize that the Gemini Lunar Eclipse in your 8th House of Deep Sharing has drawn you into a complicated emotional situation. Thankfully, you’re quick to establish a healthy perspective; your communication skills come to your aid today as you extricate yourself as gracefully as possible from any unnecessary drama. Remember, it’s your choice; only you can decide where you want to direct your energy now.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’re focusing on the distance now as you dream and scheme your way into the future. You might wish that nothing was standing in your way, but you still may need to stop and consider someone else’s point of view, too. Today’s Gemini Full Moon Eclipse shakes your 7th House of Partners, suggesting the presence of an unseen aspect of a relationship that complicates your current plans. Don’t make any major decisions until you share your thoughts with those you trust.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may have so many chores to do today that you feel pushed and pulled in a variety of directions. The Gemini Full Moon Eclipse in your 6th House of Daily Routine scatters your energy, making it difficult to follow through on any single task. However, you can use your imagination to help create your future. Keep your dreams alive at any cost, even if you’re feeling frustrated because of your lack of progress. Don’t worry; you will soon regain your focus and continue on your path.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Today’s interactive Gemini Lunar Eclipse stimulates your 5th House of Love and Creativity. Actions usually speak louder than words, but communicating your feelings now is the most direct way to connect with others. But don’t get distracted by witty phrases and clever comebacks. Hold on to your vision of what you want to say and keep bringing yourself back to the essential point so that your message is well-received.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may have community responsibilities today, but the Gemini Full Moon Eclipse in your 4th House of Home and Family encourages you to remember the importance of your personal life, too. Naturally, you must keep up with your worldly obligations, but don’t use them as an excuse to evade domestic issues. Balancing your public life with your private affairs helps to minimize problems in the future.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for December 10th

Stop, look and listen! Not only is Uranus still motionless in early Aries, but a potent New Moon (energizing 19 degrees of Sagittarius and Gemini) clocks in at 6:37AM PST – just 4 minutes after a Total Lunar Eclipse occurs at 6:33AM PST. Individual and group meditations are encouraged. Send out your healing thoughts and prayers to friends, family, associates, and the kingdoms of nature. Open the gates of knowledge and see yourself evolving as a wisdom-keeper. Realize that the simultaneous station of Uranus is adding an enormous dynamism to today’s potential achievements across the board. New ideas, containing enormous power to change the consciousness of the masses, are streaming into the Earth – just waiting for your eager mind to seize the day and turn your life around for the ultimate good. While everything that is serious and profound is accentuated – thanks to both the presence of the Full Moon as well as a flowing trine from the Moon in Gemini to Saturn in Libra (11:06PM PST) – word, board or card games can top the charts. Put more oomph into beloved hobbies and favorite arts and crafts. Weather permitting – fly a kite, kick a soccer ball around or toss the Frisbee to a pal or well-trained pet canine. Watch out for the shadow side of the Sagittarius and Gemini energy-field which sometimes create split-personality vibrations and dualistic thinking that sustain unnecessary worries and self-doubts. Focus more on helping and nurturing dear ones than pushing your own agenda.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

The Sexiest Zodiac Signs

  • Mel, selected from DivineCaroline

By Sage Romano, DivineCaroline

I’ve always had great luck with Capricorns. Tauruses? Yawn. Geminis? Maybe, if you like all that talking. Leos? Self-absorbed drama queens. My romantic history is a constellation of personalities and capabilities and experiences, but there’s obviously something about my Virgo sensibilities that jibes with the patience that the average Capricorn bestows upon the act of tossing a girl’s salad. Or did you think I was talking about something else? We’re not interested in love matches here, people. This is all about that other kind of chemistry and which signs of the Zodiac are guaranteed to be a good time and which might be a great time.

Aries: The Minute Man
This fire sign is known for being a pretty straight shooter. Aries will have no compunction at all about sharing his or her raunchiest ideas about what to do in the sack. The problem with straight shooters, though, is that they always like to get right to the point. So count on an Aries to take charge and get you where you want to go—in a hurry.

Taurus: The Romancer
Where Aries is all lusty impulse, Taurus takes his or her time. Plan on being wined and dined, perhaps to the point of frustration. And once the Taurus has decided you’re the one for the job, prepare yourself for plenty of foreplay. If romance is your thing, Taurus is your sign.

Gemini: The Talker
The Gemini will bring all his or her intellect to bear upon getting bare. If you have simpler, quieter tastes, you might be a little shocked by Gemini’s saucy, seductive monologues. But if phone sex and dirty talking gets your motor humming, a Gemini is what you’re looking for. But be prepared to not get a word in edgewise.

Cancer: The Love Maker
Cancers are highly emotional signs, which means that sex is not merely a mechanical physical undertaking; rather it is expected to be a poetic act of beauty and love and all that good stuff. If you’re going to get naked with a Cancer, prepare yourself for an intense ride. And perhaps some post-coital crying.

Leo: The Narcissist
The passionate and adventurous nature of the Leo cannot be surpassed. There is no end to the imaginative ways a Leo will come up with for you to pleasure him or her. Those cats are born sexual dominants who ooze lusty confidence, and they’re unapologetic about it. While your romp with the lion will be memorable, for sure, best remember your satisfaction will be a secondary matter.

Virgo: The Closet Nympho
You might be surprised to learn that shy, demurring Virgo would ever be ready to rock without than fistfuls of condoms and spanking clean bed sheets. The reserved demeanor of the earthy virgins doesn’t hint at their inner lustiness. Once your Virgo knows and trusts you, watch out. You won’t get a moment’s peace.

Libra: The Connoisseur
The Libra is an artiste when it comes to knocking boots. They seek out a perfect harmony with their partner, luxuriating in every detail, and they go big on romantic accoutrements such as lingerie, massage oil, and soft music. You know, so it’s just like a bad porno—perhaps it even includes a fortuitously timed visit from the pizza guy.

Scorpio: The Leg-Humper
Fiery, licentious Scropio is the horn dog of the zodiac. While their sexual prowess and magnetism can hardly be ignored, getting in bed with a scorpion can have its sting. While you will probably get the ride of your life, Scorpio’s love ’em and leave ’em approach to sex could leave less lusty signs cold.

 

Sagittarius: The Don Juan (or Juanita)
A master of the art of seduction, a Sagittarius is all about the hunt. They hone their powers of seduction, pouncing upon their objects of desire only after rendering them utterly helpless in the face of their sexual deftness.

Capricorn: The Slow Boat
Capricorn can come across as a lumbering kind of lover. Slow to make the first move, patient to the point of impertinence once the ball does get rolling, Caps may not wow with skill and energy in the sack, but they will steadily, diligently apply themselves to the all-you-can-eat buffet of their lover. Be patient with a Capricorn, and you will be well rewarded.

Aquarius: The Toy Collector
If you’re someone who is put off by the idea of a velvet box full of scintillating, slippery, and battery-operated accoutrements under your lover’s bed, it’s best you steer clear of Aquarius. Always ready to experiment with any number of the paths to pleasing themselves and their partners, the Aquarian will bring more to the party than some signs can take.

Pisces: Old Faithful
Much like Cancer, Pisces will value the emotional connectivity of sex over the physical one. Passion, love, attention, patience—these will all come into play with your Pisces lover. But you’ll likely have to do most of the work. The fish are notoriously lazy lays, preferring to kick back and bask in the attentions of their beloved. Might want to take a cue from Aquarius and bring some party favors to keep things interesting.
 

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Friday, December 9th

The two days before any Full Moon are a 48-hour time-period of preparation for the enlightenment that can descend into humanity and every soul who is seeking spiritual illumination. We are well within that 48-hour window of potential inspiration since the Full Moon – combined with a Total Lunar Eclipse – will happen tomorrow morning. However, there is an added dose of higher vibrations waiting to come through the cosmic pipeline and into the human kingdom on Earth as Uranus in Aries is poised to make its official station – turning from reverse to direct – tonight at 11:05PM PST. Today’s combination of curious, eager and adaptable Gemini Moon with a stationary Uranus – a key agent of revolutionary changes, flashes of genius, shock waves, surprises, and breakthroughs or breakdowns in consciousness – can be quite a handful. Think more about your exalted destiny in this lifetime and how you can exert your leadership qualities to enhance the flow of goodwill around our beleaguered home planet in the solar system. Be aware that Uranus is also stopping at the first degree of Aries – the same place it was located in back in March 2011 when the zodiacal year began with an exceedingly rare Sun-Uranus union at the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere. The forces of personal liberation and freedom from tyrannical forms of authoritarian control are spreading like wildfires across nations and continents – part of a larger cycle of Uranus entering Aries every 84 years and synchronizing with tumultuous shifts on terra firma.

the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, December 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.