the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 12

the daily humorscopes

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

Daily Horoscopes for Wednesday, July 11th

Although there’s still a lot of electricity in the air today, we are subdued by the Moon’s morning opposition to restrictive Saturn. The past couple of days have been very intense with the Moon in excitable Aries, and we begin to slow down in anticipation of her shift into steady Taurus at 7:30 pm EDT. Even if we’re having trouble resisting temptation, a more sensible approach to life enables us to experience pleasure without overdoing it.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Complex issues continue to weigh on your psyche today, even as the real world pressures appear to ease. Although you’re trying to re-establish balance between your needs and the demands of working with others, you might overstate the importance of a personal preference. Since your strong opinions could instigate an unnecessary meltdown, consider backing down from your supposedly non-negotiable position. Compromise is more stabilizing than conflict.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Even if your intent is to come clean, it may be more difficult to put your feelings out in the open with the Moon’s presence in your 12th House of Secrets. It’s best to avoid being drawn into an intense disagreement that’s fueled by fear of the unknown. Shining your light of awareness into the shadows of consciousness is difficult at first, but grows easier when the Moon enters your dependable sign later this evening.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You might experience a wide range of feelings that don’t have an acceptable outlet in your current social setting. However, these unexpressed emotions still have a strong influence on what’s occurring in your outer world. It may be difficult to overcome the resistance that you face, but the blockages are easier to handle once you realize that you are the real obstacle to open communication and not anyone else. Overcome your fears with clear intentions and unrelenting persistence.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You aren’t as hesitant today about expressing your private feelings and you might not be able to stop yourself from saying what’s on your mind. This isn’t about you suddenly demanding what you want; it’s about honoring your inner voice. Don’t keep your thoughts locked up even if you’re not sure about the consequences of disclosure. Say what you must; just remember to be kind in your approach so others will be more receptive to your words.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Try not to overcompensate for any emotional insecurity by acting more intensely than you actually feel today. Disguising your vulnerability with an inflated demonstration of passion can trick others into believing that you have more self-confidence than you really do. Find someone you trust and openly discuss your dilemma, knowing that the ensuing conversation could help you figure out your next move.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Hiding your feelings isn’t a viable option now since everyone seems to be able to read you like an open book. But even when you take the time to explain yourself in great detail, you still aren’t sure that anyone else really understands what you need. Carefully examine your motives so you don’t mislead someone in a way that could be problematic. Once you are clear about your intentions, it will be easier to communicate them to others.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You don’t need to let anyone push you around, for you have more power than you realize. On the other hand, nothing is gained by obsessing about something that you cannot have now. It may be challenging to manage the intensity of your reactions today. Continue to practice moderating your extreme emotions and seek middle ground wherever possible.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Sexy Venus flirts with the fine line between delicious and overindulgent today as she stressfully aligns with the Moon. You aren’t in the mood to play games now, unless you believe they will lead somewhere productive. Nevertheless, you still want to do what’s right, even if you already know what you want. Be careful; make sure that everyone is on the same page before reaching a point of no return.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Logic isn’t necessarily a part of your equation today as you attempt to satisfy your desires. You may be openly communicating with a romantic partner, yet your words can also act as a smoke screen that hides feelings you don’t want to discuss. Avoid coercive tactics since they add power to what’s not being said. Bringing your emotions out into the open can minimize unnecessary confusion later on.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Even your closest friends have a hard time understanding how deeply your feelings run today. Although you don’t often express your needs using emotionally-charged language, your heart can be just as vulnerable as anyone else’s. Something special may be in the emotional slow cooker, but it’s too soon to declare it done. Don’t hurry the process; good things come to those who wait.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your desires could be overridden today by everyone else’s demands. Ultimately, you might decide that it’s a smarter idea to conform instead of rigidly sticking to your own plans. It may be inconvenient to stand up to others right now even if you know what you want; the time and effort required isn’t worth it. But your needs grow in strength if you try to simply ignore them. Avoid the possibility of losing your temper by letting others know your preference without being attached to the outcome.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Dancing simultaneously in multiple realities can be exciting for you today, but it also produces extra stress. You are tempted to choose one set of emotions to live by, while burying the other. However, you’re being called to do powerful inner work while still keeping up external appearances. Keeping one foot on the ground in each realm helps you face your feelings, even if you cannot fully integrate them into your current life yet.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for July 11th

The universe finally pipes down after three days of martial fireworks, Neptunian mischief-making, and quarter moon tensions. Major solar and planetary aspects disappear completely while the Moon in Aries makes its monthly polarity to Saturn in Libra (2:24AM PDT) – beginning a 14+ hour void lunar uncertainty cycle that lasts until 4:32PM PDT. Trying to make things happen your way during this void-of-course Moon time-span is foolish. Slow your tempo across the board. Patience is a cardinal virtue. Completing odds and ends makes sense with the Moon out of sorts. Once the lunar orb enters earthy Taurus (4:32PM PDT), handle financial issues with flair and logic. Arts, crafts and hobbies are highlighted this evening as the Moon parallels Mercury (9:25PM PDT) followed by a supportive, 60-degree link from the Moon to visionary Neptune (10:10PM PDT). The Moon-Neptune alliance also favors experimenting with a favorite musical instrument, camera, poetry style or dance routine. Start gearing up for stations and shifts retrograde by Uranus (Friday July 13) and Mercury (Saturday July 14). Forewarned is forearmed – so goes an ancient saying connected to astrology.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, July 10

We are likely to react emotionally, yet still withhold any outward display as the impulsive Aries Moon squares the passive Cancer Sun, emphasizing the difference between how we feel and what we express. We must make choices by trying to balance our enthusiasm with sensitivity. A spiritual Moon-Neptune alignment can be confusing now by tempting us with unrealistic fantasies, yet our dreams still offer rewards if we’re willing to explore them.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your air of optimism may dissipate as you think about letting others know exactly what’s on your mind. However, if you do tell all you might have a mess on your hands to clean up afterward. Discretion is important or you could needlessly hurt the feelings of someone you really like. An act of kindness is worth far more than a self-indulgent disclosure.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You would like to be by yourself today, but there may be too much going on for you to completely withdraw. It appears that you cannot have it either way. If you are home alone, you can’t keep your mind off the fun things you could be doing. And if you are out with friends or family, you just want some quiet time to yourself. No matter what, don’t fall into the trap of blaming your dissatisfaction on anyone else. Make the most of where you are in the present moment without trying to be somewhere else.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your friends may be the source of a current dilemma, especially if they have one agenda and you have another. Social activities can play an important role in your weekend, but you might be bored with the agreed-upon schedule. Don’t let yourself get roped into doing anything you cannot easily escape. Establishing your boundaries up front is wiser than suffering the consequences of just going along with the crowd.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Instead of being in charge of a group activity, you would rather have everyone share in the responsibilities now. You really don’t have much patience since everything seems to take longer than it should. Instead of hurrying others along, try slowing yourself down. You may be surprised at how well this unorthodox strategy works for you today.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You are ready for a vacation and even if you cannot take an extended one, a quick weekend getaway should be enough to alleviate the pressure. Don’t worry if you haven’t made any plans yet. A spontaneous day trip can be just what the doctor ordered. But if you’re already booked for the day, at least pick a weekend on the calendar and start planning your great escape.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

A new approach in your dealings with an intimate partner or a business associate might be enough to change a difficult dynamic. But don’t expect to make gains without some sort of uncomfortable confrontation first. Once you put your feelings out on the table, others will be able to engage you on an emotional level and this can make all the difference in the world.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

A conflict that’s been quietly brewing for several days might explode into a full-blown argument today. Although you believe that you have an airtight case, keep in mind that someone else may be thinking the same thing. Paradoxically, reality can support multiple points of view, so don’t turn this into a fight to the finish. Instead, find a way that allows both of you to be right.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Discovering new ways to do the same old things brightens your day with fun and excitement. But just because you have a great idea doesn’t mean you can turn it into reality. Rather than trying to take on too much and fix everything today, just make one small improvement to your routine. Proactive change has a greater positive impact than you realize.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although you would like today to be a play day you have previous commitments to fulfill, making it difficult to just go off and have fun. If you do ignore your current responsibilities, you might end up feeling so guilty that you cannot enjoy yourself, anyhow. Don’t be in such a hurry to run out on your obligations. Instead, bring others into your confidence by letting them know about your desires. They may be more willing to compromise in such a way that you get some time off, anyhow.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Spending some time at home today might not be as relaxing as you wish, for your day is filled with excitement no matter what you do. Instead of trying to withdraw from the action, engage it head on. By involving yourself voluntarily, you’ll end up feeling more in control. And even if you try to go off on your own, you’ll still get pulled into the day’s events. Letting go of control allows you to enjoy yourself more than you could imagine.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your day can feel like one personal crisis after another if you attempt to spend it in solitude, because others will likely be more involved with your business than you wish. Even if you are left alone, you probably won’t be able to completely relax since you have work to do. Although you believe you know what’s best, be flexible and let your friends influence your plans. Expect the unexpected and enjoy the ride.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Retail therapy might make you feel better today, but this is merely masking a symptom of a deeper issue. Your values are changing and you are eager to surround yourself with material objects that reflect your new outlook on life. Go ahead and honor your impulse to spend money, but avoid buyer’s remorse by making sure that your purchase is also practical.

Your Weekly Love Horoscopes for July 9th

Big promises and promising ideas can be misleading this weekend when communicative Mercury turns retrograde in bold and colorful Leo on Saturday. Clever conversations are filled with love and laughter, yet it’s easy to avoid facing uncomfortable facts that may be critical to making wise decisions. When it comes to relationships, open your heart now but don’t lose your head.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The week starts out with passion as the Moon fires up your impulsive sign from Monday morning to Wednesday evening. Feelings settle down until Saturday when smart comments and snappy conversation grab attention. Yet be careful of becoming so clever that you lose credibility. It’s hard to trust or be trusted when every syllable could be the punch line of a joke. Straight talk is the key to romantic success.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

The Moon’s presence in your earthy sign from Wednesday evening to Saturday morning arouses your senses and tugs at your heart. Indulging in delicious food, sweet music and the wonders of nature makes you fall in love with life. When you’re feeling this good about yourself, others naturally want to be around you. Just remain open-minded this weekend because flexibility is sexier than standing your ground; a little adaptability goes a long way in cultivating a healthy relationship.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You have more good ideas than you know what do with this week. But your verbal ruling planet Mercury turns retrograde on Saturday, reminding you to slow down and rethink your position on a number of key areas over the next three weeks. Additionally, the Moon shifts into your interactive sign over the weekend, casting the spotlight on your emotions. Clever conversations are extremely entertaining, but big talk can raise expectations beyond reason. Less flash and more substance may not sound sexy, but it’s safer and saner for everyone involved.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You don’t have to be in the middle of the action to enjoy yourself this weekend. The inquisitive Gemini Moon’s visit to your private 12th house is more suitable for intimate getaways or time spent alone curled up with a good book. There’s so much to think about now, especially with brainy Mercury’s retrograde turn on Saturday. Reconsidering how you use your resources and how much to open your heart are questions to study during the next three weeks.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Friends are a source of entertainment with the flirty Gemini Moon activating your 11th House of Groups this weekend. It’s wise to avoid making serious social commitments since intellectual Mercury is turning retrograde in your sign on Saturday. There is key information that needs to surface before you will be ready to make a meaningful move in relationships. Playing with your appearance, though, is harmless fun as long as you don’t go too far.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Whispering with someone on the sidelines can be a source of silly fun this weekend. Chatty Mercury aligns favorably with captivating Venus on Saturday, which is perfect for sweet talk. But since your verbal ruling planet is turning retrograde that day, don’t take what you hear to heart. Playfully flirting or skirting important emotional matters makes sense until you get the information you need to make any serious decisions.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Relationships are on the front burner this week with the Moon traveling through your partnership houses until Saturday. The real challenge is how to deal with a charming but selfish person, and the answer is to put your own needs first. Once you’ve established what you want, negotiations can begin on equal terms. Contradictory advice from different sources this weekend indicates that you need more time to reflect on important issues.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Passion starts to percolate on Wednesday evening when the Moon enters sensual Taurus and your 7th House of Partners. You need to be patient if you’re dealing with a stubborn person who will not be pushed around. Applying pressure won’t help, but greater flexibility arrives on Saturday evening. Your mind starts to open and you recognize that there is more than one way to please others and fulfill your desires as well. Collaboration, not competition, is the essential ingredient to creating a loving relationship.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Save some energy for Saturday when the Moon flies into playful Gemini and your 7th House of Partners. Making connections comes easily if you’re single, and finding more fun in a current relationship is likely, too. Verbal Mercury’s backward shift in proud Leo on Saturday can make off-handed comments sound like judgments from on high. Speaking with confidence, though, is no guarantee that the words are true.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Reward yourself in the middle of the week when the Moon skips into sensual Taurus and your 5th House of Romance early Wednesday evening. Put away your concerns about work and take some time to play. Simple fun with an easygoing person reduces stress and opens your heart. The key to making this magic happen is to set aside long-term relationship ambitions to indulge yourself in the joy that’s available to you in the present moment.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

The Moon lights up chatty Gemini and your amorous 5th house on Saturday, making for a lively weekend, overflowing with many playful distractions. One minor complication is mental Mercury’s retrograde turn in your 7th House of Partners on Saturday, lasting for the next three weeks. The desire to impress someone could lead to exaggeration, or you might attract a person who promises more than can be delivered. Take these wild declarations as mere speculations and no one will get hurt in the process.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The jittery Gemini Moon joins your expansive ruling planet Jupiter on Saturday night, which can overload your social calendar. Saying yes is normal when you’re in a positive mood, but setting priorities and limiting your options helps you make a better choice. Being so open about your feelings is one of your most alluring assets, yet with verbal Mercury turning retrograde, measuring your words carefully will avoid complications.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Monday, July 9

Strange forces are definitely on the prowl today – particularly on the business, professional and leadership fronts. Yesterday’s void Moon in Pisces uncertainty zone remains in effect until 5:15AM PDT when the lunar baton is handed over to fiery, independent-minded Aries. That shift gives the impression of strength and empowerment, but the Sun forms a dicey, 135-degree tie with hazy Neptune (9:10AM PDT). This is happening less than 24 hours after Mars made an off-kilter, 150-degree tie to Neptune. When Neptune is more shadowy than inspirational, we have widespread confusion, chaos, illusions and unsettled conditions taking hold throughout humanity. It’s also important to realize that every year on or very close to July 9, the Sun triggers the Pluto discovery degree from when that distant planet came into our awareness back on February 18, 1930. If Pluto’s discovery placement becomes stimulated, circumstances beyond one’s control are often in the driver’s seat temporarily. On the other hand, providing some positive vibrations are Vesta entering versatile and adaptable Gemini (2:26PM PDT), the Moon uniting with intuition-enhancing Uranus (9:49PM PDT), and a productivity-vitalizing Ceres-Jupiter union at 7 degrees of Gemini (10:14PM PDT). The main question will be whether this trio of celestial alignments offers a balance with the recent Neptunian cloud-cover – providing a favorable psychic environment as Monday night morphs into Tuesday morning.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, July 6

We may be more concerned with the larger issues of humanity today than with our own unique dilemmas. The emotionally detached Aquarius Moon encourages us to think about general concepts rather than individual concerns. However, looking at everything from a more global perspective can be problematic since the security-conscious Cancer Sun still pulls us back to more personal issues that involve our homes, families, and close relationships.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your life may be more complicated than it appears now, yet you don’t want anyone to see how much you are keeping to yourself. It’s easier to be socially engaged if you downplay your unorthodox interests. Restraining your impulsive behavior is wise because your need for independence clashes with your current desire to build lasting relationships. Remember, there’s no reason to share all your thoughts and fantasies with anyone else unless that’s what you really want to do.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You have an uncanny sense about the right thing to do in a relationship today. Unfortunately, choosing the responsible path over a more playful one may not be a lot of fun, but you can still feel good about acting in a self-disciplined manner. Being practical is not flashy, but it enables you to prepare for the future, which ultimately can bring you an enduring satisfaction.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Even the strongest dose of common sense may not be sufficient to keep you on task today because you are so easily distracted by the light of your own brilliance. However, shiny objects aren’t as enticing as great ideas now, so it’s hard to be motivated simply by the temptation of more money. Thankfully, a unique approach to your current job might enable you to make a long-awaited breakthrough. Keep refocusing on your goals if you want to achieve success.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It’s difficult to express your feelings today. If you find yourself in a deep discussion with a powerful person, your fear of rejection might tempt you to withdraw to protect your security. But even if you face the resistance, your words might not flow easily now because your emotions are still in flux. Be patient, it becomes more natural to speak your mind once your changing moods begin to settle down. Take time to listen to your heart.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your expectations are very high today, increasing the chances of being let down by a close friend or family member. But others appear to be out of touch with their feelings. If someone very close to you seems to have lost her way, lending a sympathetic ear is better now than trying to make a heroic rescue. Concentrate on reaching your goals and setting an example for others to follow.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Most tasks handed off to you today are potential opportunities for you to develop a new and exciting method that saves everyone time. But it’s crucial to know when to quit or you could spend the entire day seeking the next great breakthrough, even if the tried and true way would have worked just fine. Sometimes the same old approach is the most reliable thing you can do. Demonstrate your keen intelligence by choosing which path makes the most sense now for the job at hand.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The sensitive Cancer Sun is halfway through its month-long journey through your 10th House of Career, possibly bringing you well-deserved recognition at work. But taskmaster Saturn is also in the equation today, requiring you to give your assignments all you can. Expect amazing results, for even if you don’t quite meet your goals, your chances for success are greatly enhanced by your confident attitude and your extra effort.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You’re able to shine your light brightly today because you can see great potential wherever you look. However, blind optimism is not a wise strategy; it only inflates and then dashes your expectations. Nevertheless, your willingness to assume the best outcome could open one door after another to opportunities that you would have just walked by at another time in your life.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’re not particularly interested in undertaking a major project by yourself these days. Fortunately, your world is full of amazing people, each with something special to offer. You might expect it to be easy to find someone willing to work with you, but everyone seems to be too busy now. However, don’t give up searching for a business or personal partner. Accepting less than you want may seem wise in the moment, but it’s even better to wait for the right person.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your ruling planet Saturn is softened by a harmonious trine from the nurturing Moon today. Normally, rational Saturn and the emotional Moon send conflicting messages, but your steady work now seems to garner beneficial results. Find the balance between knowing exactly what you want and realizing that you cannot fulfill every desire. Prioritize the potential pleasures in front of you, carefully choose your best shot at happiness and then take it.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You might be so confident today that you think you can do everything. Unfortunately, spreading yourself too thin makes it impossible to finish even the simplest chores. Don’t be so blinded by your own illuminating ideas that you lose sight of the practical realities that still govern your life. It’s more important now to be responsible than it is to act like a genius.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You could be undecided about a significant personal issue because you can see it from both sides now. Your enthusiasm tempts you to say yes and jump wholeheartedly into the new project, but your heightened common sense is screaming no. Forcing a decision today only leads you to change your mind farther down the road, so take your time before making a final choice.

The Daily Horoscopes for Wednesday, July 4th

Let freedom ring today! We have an opportunity to express our desires as irrepressible Uranus electrifies communicator Mercury and romantic Venus. Nevertheless, we still want to gain ground today since the ambitious Capricorn Moon is like a sure-footed Mountain Goat who can climb steep hills and reach heights beyond our greatest expectations. Long-range planning becomes more important when the Moon shifts into futuristic Aquarius at 8:25 pm EDT.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

It feels as if new information is bombarding you from multiple directions today, encouraging you to change your mind. However, what you learn now doesn’t necessarily arrive through normal communication channels. It’s as if you have been offered a direct pipeline to the center of the cosmos, but the truth is that it’s really coming from your own imagination. Write down your dreams, for they can tell you exactly what you need to know.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your current attempts at taking it easy are shattered as friends shock you into a new frame of reference. Normally, you’re resistant to this type of sudden change, but now your mind races ahead eagerly to integrate the exciting ideas. Make the most of your newly found intellectual freedom while you are still riding high from the adrenaline rush.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Sudden changes in your career can bring unexpected fluctuations to your financial condition in the form of an unexpected windfall or an unplanned expenditure. Remember, you are likely to react impulsively as your mind makes quantum leaps, so don’t assume that your edgy thinking is without flaws. Reconsider large purchases before you buy something you may later regret.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Your emotional sensitivity is strong now as other people insist that you do things in a specific manner. You may have a different idea, yet it’s hard to put your feelings into words. Meanwhile, others may think that you’re holding back a big secret because you appear a bit nervous, but don’t buy into their insecurities. Let your own emotions be your guide and not the fears of others.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your thoughts can tug you into strange and unfamiliar waters today, and you must travel alone on this short journey of the soul. You may be working on the solution to a particular problem, yet now you are poised to make a larger intellectual breakthrough. Nevertheless, don’t push your thoughts onto everyone else; you can share your ideas with your friends when you return.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Clever Mercury, your key planet, receives a brilliant electric shock from Uranus the Awakener today, brightening your dreams and bringing your nervous system into the present moment. Your interactions with everyone else may be precise, but don’t think that you know where each conversation will take you. Remain flexible and your willingness to change will teach you much about yourself and your world.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Be outrageously original and as unconventional as possible instead of trying to please everyone today. Your creativity is running strong now as your key planet Venus is zapped by the high voltage of Uranus. Breaking out of expected behaviors can actually strengthen your hand, so be experimental, even a bit rebellious, as you move outside your normal boundaries.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

It feels as if you’re watching short movie trailers of your future possibilities, and it may not be quite what you were expecting. Don’t worry; these fantasies don’t necessarily reveal your fate. Rather, they’re your way to rebel against the status quo. There may be ideas worth pursuing that get lost in the sheer volume of original thoughts sparking through your brain. If something makes sense, write it down quickly so it doesn’t get lost in the noise.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your initial reaction to grow and evolve may be a reflection of your need to control something that is beyond your sphere of influence. Thankfully, you can see that things are shifting for good reason. Unfortunately, you may not be ready to jump on the next opportunity that comes along. Luckily, tensions will release once you accept the new direction you are required to take.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Normally you try to build your reality on stable foundations, yet trouble develops if you become overly rigid. Today’s lessons can help you learn how much you need to loosen up, especially as you deal with other people’s feelings. Fear of change will likely work against you, so practice flexibility as you stretch and bend in the face of emotional transformation.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your key planet, eccentric Uranus, receives a power boost today from an inflow of useful information as intelligent Mercury harmonizes with it. Additionally sweet Venus brings her charm to the party and spices up any gathering. Nevertheless, you placed yourself in a data-rich environment, so make maximum use of what you know by stepping outside of the box. Be original while incorporating radical ideas into the flow of events.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You have a bit of magic at your disposal today. You can share your emotional spontaneity by communicating the feelings in your heart, but it won’t work if you take too much time searching for the right words. Instead, just reach out in a new and exciting way, for your well-intentioned overtures might be just what’s needed. There’s no need to rationalize your desire to establish a deeper connection with a friend.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, July 3rd

Our struggle between the drive to accomplish goals in the outer world and the need to protect our security within is reflected by today’s ambitious Capricorn Full Moon at 2:51 pm EDT. The Moon’s morning conjunction with mysterious Pluto and square to unpredictable Uranus may serve up a surprise or two, requiring us to suddenly change our plans. Meanwhile, warrior Mars enters peaceful Libra, encouraging diplomacy over more forceful solutions.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Today’s Capricorn Full Moon brightens your 10th House of Profession, yet your heart may be drawn toward your family life. The dilemma arises from different strategies on how to best manage changes at work. On one hand, you are ready to fully engage and do whatever must be done. However, you also want to retreat into the safety of your personal world. Give yourself a few more days until the dust settles before making any long-lasting decisions.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

The practical Capricorn Full Moon emphasizes your 9th House of Big Ideas, stressing your plans for the future. Although you may already know what you want to do, insecurities kick in, causing you to doubt yourself — even if you are aware of the obstacles in your way. This isn’t necessarily about real blockages; it’s more about what you need to do to overcome your self-doubt. There’s no reason for immediate change. But even while you stick to your current agenda, keep an open mind about what to do next.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Exercising self-control still won’t prevent your feelings from affecting your thoughts now that the Capricorn Full Moon is illuminating your 8th House of Intimacy. Your thinking is not as logical as you prefer, but your emotions are telling you something important about your relationship with someone you love. You are tempted to ignore your inner voice and follow the path of common sense, instead. It may be a stretch but trust your intuition, regardless of your fear of being irrational.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

The earthy Capricorn Full Moon pulls directly opposite the watery Cancer Sun, stirring tidal forces from the depths of your hidden subconscious. Your unspoken needs come precariously close to the shores of awareness, impacting your everyday life. Use your imagination to find balance; create a safe harbor for yourself and your loved ones where you can share your dreams and fears without worry. Instead of isolating yourself, spend time with those who will support you through times of change.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Current responsibilities may prevent you from diving into the warm and nurturing backwaters of your own fantasies. However, others don’t realize how deep and wide your imagination is, for you are not sharing everything that you feel now. The Capricorn Full Moon activates your 6th House of Habits, encouraging you to stick to your daily routine as much as possible. Just don’t get so caught up in what you’re doing that you forget to honor your unexpressed dreams, too.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today’s goal-oriented Capricorn Full Moon occurs in your 5th House of Self-Expression, requiring you to exercise good judgment and self-restraint if you want to reach your desired destination. Holding back your feelings isn’t anything new to you since you understand the impracticality of emotions. Share what’s on your mind, but taking a conservative approach is the most effective strategy now. Others are more willing to listen if they feel that their ideas are acknowledged and appreciated just as much as yours.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The serious Capricorn Full Moon falls in your 4th House of Home and Family, possibly overwhelming you with domestic responsibilities. Yet superhero Mars enters your harmonizing sign today, reminding you that you cannot do everything all at once. Instead of fretting over deadlines, simply concentrate on the present moment. When the emotional currents settle down over the days ahead, you’ll be thankful for what you actually accomplished, as will everyone who depends on you.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Love grows complicated when you take an all-or-nothing approach to your needs. It’s a challenge for you to stay comfortable in the middle of the emotional spectrum. However, the calculating Capricorn Full Moon falls in your 3rd House of Communication, encouraging you to consider the consequences of your message before telling a loved one what’s on your mind. A healthy balance between expression and restraint can put you on the path to relationship success.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Today’s responsible Capricorn Moon lights up your 2nd House of Personal Resources and you might be concerned if you don’t see a way to balance your income with your expenditures. It’s challenging to separate your financial worries from deeper issues about self-worth. Rather than focusing your attention on what’s missing in your life, concentrate on the positive things, instead. Counting your blessings is a smart way to raise your self-esteem and also, possibly, your bottom line.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

This cautious Capricorn Full Moon can test your strength as you ride powerful emotional waves. It’s both challenging and invigorating to balance your strong feelings with the necessities of the outer world. The distinction between your dreams and reality is more apparent to you than ever before. But don’t fight the strong currents; there’s more to gain by just putting yourself in the middle and enjoying the ride. The intensity will settle back down over the days ahead.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You are eagerly anticipating indulging in some personal time as today’s Capricorn Full Moon shines in your 12th House of Escape, even if current obligations still require you to follow your regular routine. But don’t get too worked up trying to finish everything now. Just do what you can, while allowing time for short breaks throughout the day. Enjoy the distractions; you will return to your chores feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Finding the right balance between responsibility and recreation is the trick.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Although you might feel as if you’re stretched to the max, you also recognize that you need to take time to recharge your batteries. The steady Capricorn Moon energizes your 11th House of Social Networking, giving you the opportunity to spend time with friends and relatives. Your current tendency is to be critical of yourself, which could drain your energy instead of increasing it. So, above all, cut yourself some slack, chill out and enjoy the camaraderie while you can.

Your Magickal Correspondence for Tuesday, July 3rd

Your Magickal Correspondence for July 3rd

Magickal Intentions: Courage, Physical Strength, Revenge, Military Honors, Surgery and the Breaking of Negative Spells, Matrimony, War, Enemies, Prison, Vitality and Assertiveness
Incense: Dragon’s Blood, Patchouli
Planet: Mars
Sign: Aries and Scorpio
Angel: Samuel
Colors: Red and Orange
Herbs/Plants: Red Rose, Cock’s Comb, Pine, Daisy, Thyme and Pepper
Stones: Carnelian, Bloodstone, Ruby, Garnet and Pink Tourmaline
Oil: (Mars) Basil, Coriander, Ginger

Mars rules Tuesday. The energies of this day best harmonize with efforts of masculine vibration, such as conflict, physical endurance and strength, lust, hunting, sports, and all types of competition. Use them, too, for rituals involving surgical procedures or political ventures.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, July 1

We’re tempted to get our hopes up today but our expectations may be dashed as beautiful Venus tensely aspects austere Saturn. What begins as an adventurous excursion into the realm of fun and games quickly turns into a more serious encounter. The cavalier Sagittarius Moon encourages us to set aside our responsibilities, but she doesn’t give us permission to forget about them completely. Exercising self-restraint minimizes our disappointments.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You’re quite optimistic today as the uplifting Sagittarius Moon visits your 9th House of Big Ideas. But it’s tough to keep your visions in perspective when your fantasies loom so large. Although your desires are strong, your sense of urgency is dissipating. There’s no reason to push too hard now, so take time to enjoy your day. Paradoxically, slowing down can help you get what you need even faster.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You may have recently been involved in an intense negotiation or even a conflict, yet others probably don’t even realize that you were struggling. You might still be worrying about the final outcome as the situation continues to develop. Instead of keeping your concerns to yourself, bring any lingering fears out into the open and convert your secrets into positive action. Your actions will be more successful if everyone knows what’s going on.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You are eager to meet new people and participate in nearly any activity that sounds exciting today. However, it’s too easy to get carried away in the moment by someone else’s idea of a good time. Make your highest aspirations your guiding light and you can figure out what you need to do next. Following your intuition now will lead you along the right path.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Improving your lifestyle by creating a balance between your personal needs and your obligations to others seems difficult now. The Moon’s visit to your 6th House of Healthy Living makes it crucial to stick to your workout regimen today. If you haven’t been exercising, this is a perfect time to start a new program. Managing your time wisely will give you the opportunity to take care of yourself and finish your work, too.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your thoughts may be on love today as the Moon in your 5th House of Fun harmonizes with mischievous Mercury and irrepressible Uranus. However, an austere Venus-Saturn connection could put the brakes on any flirting. Consider the consequences before behaving impulsively. If you are playing according to the rules and acting with integrity, then there won’t be any problem following your heart’s desire.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

The planetary pressures continue to tug at your heart, while you swim into deeper emotional waters. Although you may feel overwhelmed, you might just satisfy a few of your curiosities about the mysteries of life, love and loss. Even if there’s a lot at stake, remember that you have more to gain than lose. Be courageous; fear is the only thing that can get in the way of your current explorations.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You are so sweet and gentle that you can lose yourself in the relationships that give meaning to your life. However, let your partner know what you really are feeling now. Although there’s no reason to go overboard, it’s best to come right out and express your needs today. If you remain silent about what you want, others won’t know what to give you. It may be difficult to get the ball rolling, but it should get easier once the conversation is moving along.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Stay on your toes today, because interactions with personal and professional partners can get quite entangled. Everyone seems to be pushing your buttons now, even if you’re trying to stay cool and collected. Take time to consider your role in creating the situation and what you want from it. Trust yourself, and don’t let anyone talk you into something that goes against your beliefs.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your idealism is magnified as the Moon flies through your sign. You feel energized as you attempt to live your life fully in each moment. You may even be more emotional today, prompting you to demonstrate your feelings through flirtatious behavior or romantic play. Luck is on your side now as long as you use it wisely. But if you rely strictly on your charm to get what you want, you’ll quickly be required to come up with the facts to back up your story.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your inner world is expanding these days, enabling you to become more aware of your feelings. This might be an important evolutionary step forward, helping you to relax the hold that self-imposed rules have on you. An overdose of ambition isn’t healthy now; however, staying in touch with your heart also holds the key to your future. Positive changes are already churning the stagnant waters of your mind.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

The social aspects of love can pull you into a whirlwind of activity today with the aspirational Sagittarius Moon traveling through your 11th House of Friends, Hopes and Wishes. Fortunately, you are up for the adventure, as you want the chance to talk to others about your plans. Any thoughts you might have now about a major trip should be taken seriously. Nevertheless, it’s still wise to explore as many possibilities as you can.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You think that you can take it easy today, but the cosmos may have a different plan as you are pulled all over the map by your moods. Others play important roles in your life and it could be their needs, rather than yours, that make your world feel very hectic now. No matter what else is happening, fulfill your obligations, even while further cultivating your dreams

Daily General Horoscopes for June 27th

We seek balance with others now rather than conflict, yet recent experiences may have already upset the applecart. Although we’re at a pivotal point as graceful Venus turns direct today, we need more time to see the practical results that may come from our new perspective. Thankfully, the objective Libra Moon brings awareness to relationships; we can learn the most now by acknowledging that people around us are reflections of our own identities.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Don’t work harder today than is necessary or you could overdo it and exhaust yourself. The gentle Libra Moon means that grace counts more now than brute force, so let your senses be your guide. Flow with the emotional tides, instead of struggling against them. Creativity, rather than productivity, is the business of the day.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

The socially astute Libra Moon’s presence in your 6th House of Employment indicates that practicing diplomacy at work is essential now. Unfortunately, you don’t have a lot of patience with anyone who seems impractical today. Ultimately, you must be as flexible as possible, for there are many approaches to accomplishing the same task. Getting along with others might be more important than meeting any quota or deadline.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re juggling a number of contradictory desires today and may find it difficult to settle on any particular one. Although you’re more capable than most when it comes to managing conflicting emotions, your interactions with others can still be confusing if you try to hide your feelings. There is no reason to keep secrets now; everyone will appreciate your honest approach.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may prefer to stay home, especially with the Libra Moon activating your inner-directed 4th House today. But if you cannot justify taking the day off, try to make your environment feel a bit cozier. Wear comfortable clothes, pack your favorite lunch and add some personal touches around your workplace. Increasing the security factor wherever you are now allows you to take risks and move toward your goals with greater success.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You have many stories to tell today and are eager to hear what others have to say, too. The Libra Moon is visiting your 3rd House of Communication, increasing the joy you feel when reading an email from a loved one, talking on the phone with a chatty friend or taking a short walk with a new acquaintance. However, the key to your current happiness is sharing the spotlight. Think of your life as a team sport in which everyone wins together now or no one wins at all.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Purchase something that makes you feel attractive now that the lovely Libra Moon is traveling through your 2nd House of Self-Worth. Or spend a little money to improve your image, because showing your best side enables you to feel good too. These actions may seem like superficial indulgences, but when you see yourself in a more flattering light, you’re likely to be more confident on every level.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The social Libra Moon reflects her gracious light on your relationships today, increasing your sensitivity to those you love. The good news is how simple it is for you to put people at ease because you take the time to understand their concerns. But be careful of becoming so sympathetic to everyone else’s emotions that you lose sight of your own needs. Just make sure that you balance your compassion for others with love for yourself.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Issues of trust may be over-dramatized today, especially if you believe that someone is trying to withhold information from you. There are those who have complete faith in you and are willing to share their deepest secrets. But others might talk about you behind your back and there isn’t much you can do about it. Be sure to consider the source of what you learn now and spend your time with those who deserve your confidence.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are usually happy to listen to your friends when they want to share their dreams with you, but too many people may want your attention now, making it difficult to get all of your work done. You could hear lots of ideas and promises today that aren’t grounded in reality. Remember, it’s not your job to shatter anyone’s illusions; instead, you can help others focus on the practical elements worth pursuing. In fact, you can set a good example by finishing your chores first.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

It’s challenging to lead a group of people today because others may not work hard enough to live up to your tough standards. Nevertheless, everyone seems overly sensitive and might require more attention than you are willing to give. Being as diplomatic as possible enables you to navigate your way through these tricky conditions. Thankfully, you can earn positive recognition for your patience if you get it right.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You could be in your visionary mode because you have more ideas about the future now than information about the present moment. This is a great time to connect with other big thinkers and to share thoughts about how to create a better world. Your current goals may not be very practical, but they empower you to dream of the magical possibilities that inspire you and everyone else.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Being too concerned about what someone else is thinking can prevent you from saying what’s on your mind today. But don’t be afraid to shake up a cautious companion with the truth about your feelings. Your remarks won’t end a conversation, but might actually be an honest entry point for a deeper and more productive discussion. The first step is always the hardest, but you can’t go wrong if you speak from your heart.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 22, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It’s your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Hide.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 20

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!.”

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 19

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

Your Magickal Correspondences for Tuesday, June 19th

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 18

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 18, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

New Moon in Gemini Horoscopes, June 19

Two Gemini New Moons in a month mean it’s time to cut the clutter!

Get ready for more information overload! This unusual event on June 19 is the second New Moon in Gemini in less than a month! We now have another chance to initiate connections and gather information, but efficiency is essential now.

That’s because Mars in discriminating Virgo forms a square with this lunation that signals the need to eliminate excess data so we can focus on critical details. The urge to collect ideas and facts needs to be tempered by a very focused and practical perspective on its application.

See how this New Moon in Gemini will affect your horoscope sign:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You may be hearing a lot of noise that can turn your head in several directions now. Don’t pay attention to conversations that don’t contribute to the bottom line. Gossip and random data might be interesting, but they distract you from making the key connections that really matter. Concentrate on core concerns when trying to impress others, as one practical concept is worth more than a million random ideas.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Making a choice between two different financial opportunities or purchasing decisions could be challenging now. It’s best to be conservative by putting your resources in as safe a situation as possible. Buying one item of a higher quality is better than purchasing two cheap ones. Similarly, putting your effort into sharpening an essential skill is smarter than spending time on trivial pursuits.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This New Moon in your diverse sign is challenged by impatient Mars in pragmatic Virgo. If you’re feeling edgy, it’s probably because you have too many activities on your plate. Try cutting down your agenda by eliminating tasks that aren’t essential at this time. Serious Saturn’s favorable alignment to this lunation provides the discipline you need to avoid distractions and increase your productivity.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This New Moon falls in your 12th House of Endings, making this a great time to review the recent past. Carefully evaluating your plans helps you recognize which projects aren’t worthwhile so that you can let go of them and focus on what’s really going to change your life. Spiritual practices and using your imagination and creativity are positive new directions to consider.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

This event in your 11th House of Groups can spur you to get more involved in an organization or to re-evaluate your role on a team. Getting along with colleagues may be difficult until you’ve worked out the details of exactly what you expect of one another. Boosting your status on the team is most likely to come from upgrading your ability in a specialized skill.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

This busy New Moon falls in your 10th House of Career and Public Responsibility, which can load you down with obligations. Instead of wearing yourself out by trying to please everyone, it’s healthier to eliminate some tasks from the pile — even if it’s tough for you to disappoint others or to feel like you’re not pulling your weight. A diet regarding your duties will do you wonders.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

Your interest in faraway places is likely to be spurred by this New Moon in your adventurous 9th House of Travel. However, this isn’t the ideal time to consider a getaway. It’s smarter to find ways to combine play with work or education so that a trip pays off in practical terms. Advice offered by a successful person might not be easy to accept but is probably worth taking.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

Relationships could reach a new level of complications with this lunation landing in your 8th House of Intimacy. But instead of shutting out thoughts in your head or words from a partner, do your best to listen intently. Among the many things being said are one or two items that really count. Filter out the trivial stuff and you’ll hear valuable information for your personal and professional life.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

This New Moon in your 7th House of Partners can put pressure on your relationship life. But that can be a good thing if you’re ready to make a commitment or are willing to work on the little details that can make or break an alliance. Sticking to real world issues and ways to resolve them is more important than letting your restless mind wander off in interesting but impractical directions.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Altering some of your work habits might be a productive use of this New Moon. It falls in your 6th House of Employment, challenging you to be even more efficient than useful. That could seem unfair as you’re probably juggling more balls in the air than usual. A healthier diet, along with proper rest and exercise helps you handle stress without getting edgy or wearing yourself out.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

It’s time to be playful, creative and to have more fun. This New Moon lands in your 5th House of Romance and Children, where it lightens your heart and raises your profile. People want to be with you but you won’t have time for all of them. Carefully choosing who you want to spend your time with can make the difference between being bored silly and having an awesome time.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Changes on the home front are likely with this lunation in your 4th House of Roots. Unfinished thoughts and conversations about family may resurface, but it’s not helpful to simply repeat the old thoughts. Finding solutions is what this is all about, so focus on fixing issues. If have one you can’t resolve, set is aside and concentrate your efforts where real improvements can be made.

DailyHoroscopes.com

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, June 15

We can prepare for the upcoming transformations by integrating all the recent changes as soon as possible. Fortunately, now that the Moon is visiting stabilizing Taurus we feel emotionally safe to ask for what we want and may even be a bit obstinate if we think that our needs aren’t heard. However, we’re not as distracted by our own mental meanderings as it seems. Thankfully, we can concentrate our hopes on what’s most important for our future.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Paying close attention to financial matters makes good sense now that the materialistic Moon is moving through your 2nd House of Resources. You may have to restrain your spending in order to manage your monthly expenses, but whatever corrective actions you take today might not have much impact until next week. There’s no need to panic as long you take care of your business responsibly. Being thankful for what you currently have turns your outlook in a positive direction.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Dealing with practical matters is a constructive use of your time, but something still bothers you even if you cross off everything on your to-do list. Perhaps an unresolved emotional issue is gnawing away at your sense of accomplishment, making you doubt your own abilities now. Putting extra effort into your work tilts the scales of judgment in your favor. But make sure that you also honor your feelings by sharing your concerns with a dependable friend.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Conversations are lively today, words flowing back and forth with a natural rhythm. It seems as if there is a really good connection between you and your friends, but something significant isn’t being addressed. The more questions you ask in your process of discovery, the less you realize you know. Instead of hunting down answers now, simply relax and enjoy the lighthearted interactions. You can continue your search for meaning tomorrow.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Don’t act so surprised if your friends come through for you today in an unexpected way. You might be embarrassed at first because you are feeling more vulnerable than you prefer. However, a negative gut reaction can morph into a more positive one once you realize that you’re all on the same team. Look at the help you receive as an opportunity to get closer to someone you truly admire.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Offering your generosity and loyalty to a friend in times of turmoil is something you do quite naturally. However, your actions might affect more than any one single person. There’s no need to hold back if others are looking to you for leadership. Deliver the goods, along with a song and a smile; your dependability acts as a shining example for those around you.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’re naturally motivated to stand high on the mountain so you have the very best view, yet developing your vision may be quite complicated now. Intellectually, you can expand your perspective through education, so consider enrolling in a course or even traveling to widen your horizons. There’s no need to confine your explorations to books or classrooms; you might learn more by embarking on an adventure in the real world.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your love for the finer things in life lures you into an emotionally charged conversation with a close friend as you explore the possibilities ahead. You’re interested in going on a trip or doing something that breaks you out of your current routine, but you don’t want to move too fast. Talking about change is safer now than actually making your move. Consider today’s discussion as the first step toward making your dreams come true.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Getting into an argument is easier than resolving it. If you run into a stubborn person who tries to tell you what to do today, it might irk you enough to tell them off. Unfortunately, even a small disagreement now could escalate into an emotionally uncomfortable confrontation. Being aware of your intensity enables you to keep the energy from getting too extreme. Sidestepping conflict by taking the high road turns things in a positive direction.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your own crazy antics may be more bothersome to you today than anyone else’s fickle behavior. The good news is that everyone seems to be changing their minds as quickly as you are now. The bad news, however, is that it can be difficult to pin anyone down to specifics when it comes to relationship matters. Exploring your options is healthy as long as you don’t commit to anything you might later regret.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

If you have been keeping up with your recent responsibilities, then relax, hit the reset button and recharge your emotional batteries today. Doing something special with a loved one or even just hanging out on your own can bring blissful satisfaction. But you are more restless than usual and could also start a few projects just to occupy your mind. Keep your priorities straight and remember that it’s time to listen to your heart.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow anxious at work today because you want to begin your weekend as soon as possible. You are looking forward to some exciting activities now, but have a few non-negotiable domestic chores to finish before you cut loose to enjoy yourself. Try not to let your anticipation of the future get in the way of your current efficiency or you will have even more to do before the fun can start.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Expressing your feelings can be challenging when language falls short of describing the richness of your imagination. However, the right words come to you just in the nick of time today, increasing your confidence that you can get your message across. But it’s not about rambling on aimlessly; state your point succinctly and then step back to let the other person respond. Remember, communication is a two-way street.

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Your Daily Horoscopes for Thursday, June 14

We can tire ourselves out today since we’re tempted to take on too many projects as the excitable Aries Moon provokes the Sun, Venus and Jupiter in restless Gemini. The airy Gemini planets provide fuel to the Aries fire, prompting us to act before we think. Fortunately, we feel more stable once the Moon shifts into steady Taurus at 12:21 pm EDT. The hectic pace temporarily slows down, allowing us to be productive without depleting our energy.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may feel as if you’re spinning your wheels today, without getting much done at all. Part of the problem is that you are not as grounded as you think. Fortunately, you can make a conscious decision to choose a path that demonstrates your commitment to finish what you start. Focusing on just one task at a time enables you to have the positive impact you seek by the end of the day.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You don’t want everyone to know what you are thinking today, but you still may not be able to avoid sharing too much. You must pay close attention to your words or you might inadvertently reveal more than you intend. However, limiting your interactions with others can give you the personal space you need now. Stay on track by resisting the tempting distractions as best you can.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Being presented with other people’s intriguing plans can be overwhelming, making it tough to know who is cleverest, you or your friend. In any event, there are too many ideas flying around today and you could exhaust yourself just trying to keep up. However, you don’t need to overcompensate by going quiet; just don’t overdo it when you share your thoughts. Create a safe environment where everyone feels comfortable exploring their options.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You’re feeling more independent on the job and would like to stretch your wings a bit. Unfortunately, you may be asked to help a fellow worker, which can temporarily restrict your freedom of movement. However, this doesn’t mean you should be any less compassionate in your dealings with others. Although you might be resistant at first, you can deepen a friendship by being available now for someone in need.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Although you may be looking far into the future, current circumstances pull you back to your responsibilities in the present moment. Nevertheless, you’re not eager to shift gears so suddenly and a part of you continues to imagine what’s ahead. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. Even if you must let go of your vision today, nothing will be lost. Your dreams will return when you have more time to attend to them.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may still feel a bit scattered today, especially at work. It’s as if you are too excited to settle down to the specific tasks at hand. Try not to worry so much about missing a deadline, for the internal stress generated by anxiety is counterproductive. Everything should turn out fine now even if you fall behind; what you don’t finish today can be completed tomorrow.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

If you have been a bit self-absorbed recently, you may be snapped out of your current reverie by an unexpected event. Something special might happen today that reminds you of the magic of the universe and it’s easy to make this even more important than it actually is. Remember that you are in an intense period of change that will continue over the next several months, so reserve your conclusions until you have a bit more perspective.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may take on too many projects now, yet the chores you finish early in the day will open up more free time for you later. Complete as much as you can or you might have to turn down an exciting last-minute invitation. Packing as much as possible into the morning hours ensures that you’ll have sufficient time to play with your friends today, recharging your batteries for the work ahead.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

If you have too much fun during the day today, you might have to pay for it emotionally later on. Let others know if you truly want to participate, but don’t feel obligated to say yes in order to live up to someone else’s expectations. Ultimately, your best strategy is to carefully pace yourself so you’ll still have some energy leftover in the evening for what’s important to you.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

It’s challenging to remain focused on your own agenda today since your thoughts are flying all over the place. You might even try to do the same old thing in a completely new way just to avoid boredom. The problem is that your new approach could throw off your natural rhythm and ultimately slow you down. Save your creativity for something more fun while getting your chores out of the way as efficiently as possible.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

There’s so much to accomplish early in the day that you could easily lose sight of how to enjoy yourself. The simple solution is to avoid trying to do everything all at once. Remember, whatever you cannot finish now can be completed in a day or two. Finding a manageable balance between work and play makes all the difference in the world.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your excitement about taking some time off can morph into anxiety if you are so overwhelmed with your current responsibilities that you’re afraid of losing the opportunity. Instead of projecting the pressure you currently feel into the future, keep reminding yourself to calm down and accomplish as much as you can right now. Thankfully, taking care of your obligations in a methodical manner helps to ease your concerns and enables you to relax later on.

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