Being a Witch is…
Trying to type a Ritual on the computer and having the cat walk on the keyboard.
Spending six months weaving the most beautiful Altar cloth you can imagine, then having someone spill wine and candle wax on it during it’s first Ritual.
Deciding to Work Skyclad because you keep burning your Robe on the Point Candles and Bonfire.
Having the neighbor ask you if you have been born again, and replying that you have, indeed, been born again… and again and again and again….
When a xian tells you that you should be reborn, and telling him that you already have been a number of times.
Hoping that the High Priestess is careful with her Moon Crown as she gives you The Five-fold Kiss.
Trying to explain to the Realtor why you need an extra bedroom at least nine-feet in diameter.
Then telling that same Realtor that you can’t take that perfect house that is so affordable, because the fireplace is in the west instead of the South.
Setting up a Circle in the park and discovering that there is a bee hive nearby.
Loaning your brand new Japanese cherry coffee table to the Coven for an Altar, and watching the Coven joker accidently drive his Athame into the surface.
Doing an outdoor midnight ritual and having the neighbor call the cops, thinking that you’re a prowler.
Saluting the Goddess at the Watchtower with a Sword and poking a hole in the Temple ceiling.
Deciding not to wear your new Horned Helmet to the outdoor Sabbat because it’s deer hunting season.
The Coven joker hides everybody’s street clothes, and it’s a Skyclad Circle.
Trying to go home after a skyclad Circle and discovering that the Coven joker has hidden all of the clothes.
Just buying lots of suntan oil instead of spending a fortune on a fancy wardrobe to impress people at church. (Jim in Winchester)
Having people tell you that they don’t believe in Witches, and responding, “That’s OK, I don’t believe in christians.”
Casting the Circle for the first time and being so proud with yourself for doing it right… then looking down to discover that you’re wearing your Robe inside out.
Wondering how to get rid of the result of your latest love spell.
Seeing a girl at the supermarket. She’s wearing a Pentagram, a silver High Priestess Bracelet, a runic belt buckle, a Necklace of acorns and has the Goddess tattooed on her shoulder and is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Sexy Witch’. So you go up to her and ask, “Are you in the Craft?” and she hisses back, “Shhhh! It’s supposed to be a secret!”
Going to sleep during visualization exercises.
Getting a new familiar… who isn’t housebroken.
Realizing that your grammar is not so bad, now that you’ve read something by Ophiel.
Gavin Frost recalling his dildo to check for structural defects.
The inside info on why a pope decided to be called Pendaren I.
Eleven cops and the sheriff on your doorstep, asking for Initiation.
Reading Aleister Crowley with a straight face.
Hiding your bible when your new friends drop in (and displaying it when your parents come to visit).
Actually reading through The White Goddess.
Working magick every day… just for the hexercise.
Trying to remain Gardnerian after mid-winter.
Your parents install a smoke alarm… in the room you’ve been using as a Temple.
Your cat eats the mugwort growing in the window box… and starts having visions.
Queuing up for the Ritual bath in order of Initiation…. because the High Priestess is trying to get all the hot water.
Taking a Ritual Bath at the Covenstead when seven other Witches have just been in the tub.
That cold shiver when you learn that your High Priestess (a karate expert) couldn’t find her Scourge.
Being dragged to an outdoor Halloween Sabbat… Skyclad.
Acquiring a reputation after you accidently sat down on the Cauldron.
Having to cut a gate in the Circle to go to the bathroom.
Explaining to the fireman that the smoke billowing from under your door is only incense, and that you were burning incense because you were casting a….
Seeing your past incarnation.. as a postal clerk.
When you use Cord magick and find yourself all tied up.
Having to actually try to fit 13 people into a nine foot Circle.
Six bottles of wine under the Altar… with two inches left in each.
Toasting the Goddess so often that you’ve become a borderline alcoholic.
That sinking sensation you get when you accidently drop your Athame point-down and then notice that you can’t move your left foot.
Having a nice Winter Sabbat where your High Priest gets a new Horned Helmet and two minutes later, he gores you in the ass.
Not being able to argue with the High Priestess without getting flogged.
Suddenly realizing just how long it takes to hand copy a Book of Shadows.
Learning never to schedule a Circle on a good TV night.
Having to share the bus stop with 4 born-agains, 6 jesus freaks, 14 Hare Krishnas, 9 moonies, 2 garlic lovers and a Theosophist… none of whom have change for a $20.
Buying an abandoned traffic circle to use as the first drive-in Covenstead.
Spending three months trying to learn Theban because the Book of Shadows that you’re copying is written in it.
Trying to convince the police that the baggies that they found were really full of consecrated herbs.
Not being able to banish a spirit because the animal whose shape it assumed is on the endangered species list.
Trying to remember the combination of herbs that turned your tea strainer into gold.
Explaining to the doctor how your Athame slipped from your hand and stuck into your foot.
Having a christian Realtor list your house- “Owner pays closing, buyer pays exorcist.”
Explaining to the school principal that your child could not have possibly been the one who changed the teacher into a frog since she isn’t Initiated to a Degree that permits her to do such spells.
Declining an offer by the neighborhood kids to mow your lawn, because you simply do not go around putting that kind of spell on school teachers.
Explaining to your boss that you have to leave early on October 31 because it is “a day of holy obligation.”
Having your Altar set up for a Samhain Ritual, and having non-Crafters come to visit… and then you say, “Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?”
Trying to explain to your roommate that he has to leave because it is the Full Moon. (Rick Johnson)
Discovering that you engraved your Athame with the wrong symbols.
Falling to the ground after a wild dance and sitting skyclad on a bee.
The knowledge that, no matter what, you are right and the un-initiated are WRONG… WRONG… WRONG!!!!!
The Knight of Wands
Dagaz
Gemini the Twins
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