Let’s be fair: hell hath no fury like any zodiac sign scorned! Most of us have had our hearts broken at least once, and although some signs tend to react more gracefully than others, it’s pretty universal that when your lover lets you down, anger is a completely natural reaction. But be warned! Karma always comes back, so even if you’ve had your heart stepped on in the most brutal way imaginable (we’re talking a breach of trust or a complete betrayal beyond the simple “I don’t think this is working”), it’s still important to act with dignity.
Watch out for your sign’s worst breakup behaviors below so you can keep your integrity intact. Because the best way to get back at your former flame is not to key his or her car, but to move on to a better you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As the most impulsive Fire sign, you’re not above breaking something expensive that belongs to your now-ex. Because you often leap before you look, this could mean some pricey property damage, though. Instead of destroying their belongings and expecting to feel better for it, get your independence back by grabbing anything of yours that you associate with your former flame and get rid of it in a private ritual. Gather old letters, planet tickets, and concert tees and demolish them in your own element: a well-contained fire. Delete photos, break some small souvenir, and then do what you do best: move on!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
As a steady Earth sign, you don’t jump from one lover to the next easily. You like the security of a committed relationship, which is why getting dumped can hit you especially hard. Remember that the way to your heart is through your senses — touch, taste, smell — so as you’re making your final exit from your ex-partner’s home, it would be just like you to snatch a pricey bottle of their wine, a prized cigar, or their favorite tee on your way out. Or you could simply take to heart the adage that “the best revenge is living well:” Gather up the gifts they’ve given you or the presents you had planned to surprise them with, sell them for a fair price online, and use the profits for a weekend getaway at your favorite spa!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You love variety and are always on the go, so it may not take you long to rebound from a letdown in love. Before you know it you’ll be back on the town, working the room — and knowing you, you’ll make it a place your ex frequents! As your heart is mending, you’ll be tempted to use your natural charm to flirt with promising new love interests in full view of your ex. NOTE: This is NOT a good idea. Also fight your love of communication and social media, which may tempt you to get a final dig in by posting exciting updates of what a great time you’re having without the person who broke your heart. It’s OK to upload photos of your social-butterfly self having a fabulous time in your new swinging single life, but resist the urge to use your talent with the written word to bad mouth your one-time partner. This reflects more on you than it does on them…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There is hardly a vengeful bone in your body, Cancer, unless someone you love has been hurt. If you’re the injured party, your ex had better beware your wrath, because the loyalty you pour into all your relationships isn’t cheap! Once you’ve overcome the shock of your break up, the affection you felt for your past partner can quickly turn to contempt. Because home is so important to you, you’ll be tempted to shake up your ex’s home base as well — from doing anything as relatively harmless as a late-night TPing to, say, sneaking in and removing one of their prized possessions before you’ve given back their spare key — anything to rattle their sense of security. Resist this urge, Cancer; you’re above breaking and entering, and because of your nurturing nature, you’ll only hurt yourself in the end. Instead, reclaim your own space by performing a cleansing ritual at your own residence. Do a sage smudge, change your locks, and to combat your “homebody” reputation, be sure to keep your car parked a few blocks away in case your ex decides to drive past your place to see if you’re home!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your proud sign is known for being the most childlike of the zodiac. This can make taking the high road that much harder in the wake of heartbreak! You give 110% in love and find it difficult to suddenly be out of your once-significant other’s spotlight. But given your gift for glamour and your ease as the center of attention, it won’t be hard to turn the focus back on the second love of your life — you! — as you cultivate talents and hobbies that could bring you not only pleasure, but fame as well. By pursuing your own passion, you might just make headlines before too long, and your ex will be surrounded by evidence that they let something extraordinary get away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
On one hand, your intense powers of analysis can help you see that this match wasn’t meant to be, and you’ll hardly waste any time wallowing in self-pity or deluding yourself that you’ll never love again. Still, you’ll be highly offended that the suitor who made it through your intense screening process just did you wrong! Your discreet sign picks up on details — like your ex’s major dislikes — and will likely use these against them as you process your pain. You’ll probably be tempted to shop for a bumper sticker or 12 that advertises their most hated band, slogan, or politician. When you see their car parked around town, you’ll discreetly slap these odious advertisements onto their beloved vehicle and smile secretly to yourself as you walk away.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As the partnership-oriented sign, Libra, breakups of any nature hit you especially hard. You seek balance and probably put a lot of effort into this relationship, making a split seem like a personal failure. You won’t so much get sad or mad as you’ll get even, by tapping into your ruling planet Venus’ forte: beauty! Distance yourself from your disastrous dumping by playing up the glamour your sign is famous for. Get daring with your locks: dye them, bleach them, shear them — finally try that drastic look you’ve always wanted! Then pick up some new pieces for your wardrobe that bring back your confidence and get you noticed. By focusing on you, you’ll tip the scales back into your favor — not to mention shock the person who’s done you wrong by making them wonder what other surprises they’re missing out on…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Be careful, Scorpio: once bitten, your sign’s stinger can come out and really do some real damage. You have a hard time forgiving, and your reaction to rejection can be particularly venomous. Be careful not to take it too far. At the same time, you have a sharp mind and a knack for uncovering what is hidden, so doing a little digging on your ex can serve two purposes: One, it’s likely you’ll find an unsavory piece of trivia about your old flame that will convince you the break-up is for the best, and two, you’ll have a real zinger factoid to hint at (ever-so-mysteriously) when you e-mail or text your ex about returning their spare keys. Don’t feel like doing all that grunt work? Embrace your sense of secrecy and send a tantalizing text message that reads like a flirt, then quickly follow it up with “Oops! Sorry! That wasn’t meant for you.” and leave it at that.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The biggest struggle most Sagittarians face is how to keep a sense of personal freedom while part of a twosome — so you must have been seriously smitten to agree to being tied down! This can make the heartbreak even worse, but since you already have a taste for globe-trotting, it won’t be hard for you to rebound and enjoy all the extra space now that you’re flying solo. But it’s a law of human nature that few exes can stand the sight of their recent romantic partner shedding the relationship in nanoseconds, so appearing to move on effortlessly will drive them mad! If you can “accidentally” bump into them and manage an indifferent conversation, you’ll really drive home the point that your ex was never significant enough to get you to settle.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A little retail therapy can go a long way when trying to get over an ex — but nobody said it had to be on YOUR dime. You (and your expensive tastes) may start feel better with one last round of the finer things, charged to the person who really hurt you. No you shouldn’t steal their credit card and charge them into debt, but be strategic: Assuming your ex is apologetic, agree that you would like to sit down and discuss friendship — at a 4-star restaurant. Sip your favorite top-shelf vodka, order the veal, or indulge in a decadent dessert as you “reconnect” with your one-time love. When you’ve had your fill, excuse yourself to use the restroom and instead, make an exit. They’ll get the message!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
As the most tech-savvy sign of the zodiac, Aquarius, you’ll want your revenge to be 3.0. While there are tons of ways to severely (and easily) commit total digital annihilation on your ex’s laptop, your sign’s general concern for the well-being of others will prevent you from going too far. Still, do you know their social media passwords? You’ll be tempted to log in as your ex and replace their profile images with something embarrassing, or make them follow pages for politicians, actors, movies, and music they hate. If you have access to their phone, you might stealthily replace all their favorite tunes with a mix that will catch them off-guard — or, better yet, just the same terrible song re-installed over and over. Just beware that all this could make you look crazy, but hey, a little “weird” has never scared you off before.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
As a sweet sign that can easily escape into a happier world of your own creation, Pisces, you aren’t the most vindictive member of the zodiac. You have a truly rich imagination, and may only need to visualize your ex getting their comeuppance in order to feel better about your situation. Still, if you’re itching for a little bit of payback, take over your ex’s subconscious. Send cryptic notes, leave something mysterious on their doorstep, and make sure they repeatedly spot you around town, while you remain just out of reach. Before you know it you’ll be in deep in their mind and they won’t be able to shake the thought of you — while you happily move on without them.