by Cather “Catalyst” Steincamp
You Might be Giving Pagans a Bad Name If…
You insist that your boss call you “Rowan Starchild” because otherwise you’d sue for religious harassment. (Score double for this if you don’t let that patronizing dastard call you “Mr. or Ms. Starchild.”)
You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then gripe about working Christmas.
You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.
You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.
You’ve won an argument by referencing “Drawing Down the Moon,” knowing darned good and well they haven’t read it either.
You said it was bigotry when they didn’t let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You’ve ever had to go along with someone’s ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the nonsense you spout.
You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.
You’ve ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.
Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle “in perfect love and perfect lust.” (Score double if you argued the point.)
You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such of whom nobody has heard.
You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you’re not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)
You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don’t get this one.)
You think it’s perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there’s no reason not to do things your way.
You’ve ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.
You’ve ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.
You think it’s your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they’re Irish.
You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula, triple if you got into a fight and escaped, or quadruple if it was no contest.)
You’ve ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.
You’ve ever tried something you saw on “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch”
You’ve suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren’t playing D&D.
You’ve failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren’t playing D&D.
You’ve suddenly realized that you are playing D&D.
You hang out with people who each match at least fifteen of these traits.
You recognize many of these traits in yourself, but this test isn’t about you. But, boy, it’s right about those other folks.