the daily humorscopes for friday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

Friday, June 08, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles — or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Good day to go around “nudging” people.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.