the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…