the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.