the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.