Humor for Your Day: Weeding Out the Prospects, lol!

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” The first man replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea.” “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Bubba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

 

Straight from

THE LAUGH FACTORY COMEDY NETWORK

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Ritual Tools That Won’t Break the Bank

Ritual Tools That Won’t Break the Bank

Author:   Bronwen Forbes   

We’ve all seen them, either on EBay or some online Wicca supply shop – or even the Pagan bookstore in our own town: ritual tools and altar pieces that are apparently only for the independently wealthy. Well, seeing as how I am still a full-time student, i.e. broke, I’ve been searching for alternative sources for ritual tools and other altar accoutrements priced reasonably enough to guarantee I could afford to eat meat for the rest of the month. I’d like to share them with you.

My first stop was, believe it or not, my local Wal-Mart. And if the items mentioned below can be found in my Wally World out in the middle of southwestern USA nowhere, I’ll bet they’re at your Wal-Mart, too.

Wands

I remember a few years ago that tree branches given a “spiral” look by having a grapevine grow around them were quite the popular item at various Pagan gatherings. Unfortunately, these polished, um, sticks were priced at seventy dollars each, if not more! Ouch!

Even here on the edge of the great Southwestern desert, we have trees. Which means your chances of having access to free wand material are even better than mine. Find a tree you like, either because it’s your favorite kind (oak, maple, etc.) or because it’s located near your home and you think it’s friendly, or whatever. Note: if the tree is not on your property, get permission before you cut a branch or two. Also note: get permission from the tree before you start chopping. Tradition holds that a wand should be the length of the owner’s arm from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow. Let the wood “cure” for a season or two; carefully remove the bark, and presto! Free wand!

Athame

If you’re not totally into the traditional athame, which is a double-edged blade with a black handle, Wal-Mart is your new best friend. If you’re drawn to kitchen witchery (herbalism, cooking, food spells, etc.) , the housewares aisle has a plethora of really nice kitchen knives (and I mean pretty darn nice) starting at around three dollars each. Or you can check out the hunting and camping department. They had some wicked (and I mean that in a good way, of course) hunting knives, averaging around fourteen dollars apiece.

Either way, these are much cooler, cheaper and more practical (!) than the easily bendable mermaid-shaped athame with Austrian crystal eyes for twenty bucks on EBay.

Chalice

If you’re very lucky, once or twice a year there will be some sort of arts fair in your town. These fairs attract a lot of potters. Potters like to make chalices, and will sell the ones where the glaze “didn’t come out quite right” for five to ten dollars. And then you have a handmade, one-of-a-kind chalice!

If you’re mostly lucky, there is a paint-your-own-pottery shop nearby. For about five dollars per painting session and three to ten dollars for the cup, again, you have a one-of-a-kind chalice that you glazed yourself. How cool is that?

However, there is always our friend Wal-Mart, which sells something call tea goblets. Tea goblets are basically short, fat wine glasses with very little stem and lots of cup space. Last Friday I noticed a choice of green or brown tea goblets for $2.22 apiece, or a box of four clear ones for about nine dollars. They looked pretty nice!

Pentacle

Assuming you don’t want to pay at least $40 for a brass or copper disc with a pentacle etched on it (and since you’re reading this, I’m guessing that’s a pretty fair assumption) , again, you’ll find everything you need to make a nice wooden one at Wal-Mart. A wooden disk six inches in diameter costs $.97 and can be found in the craft aisle. A protractor (assuming you don’t have one left over from geometry) costs about a dollar. Craft paint is also pretty cheap!

Or, you can forego the wooden disk, find a nice free round-ish, flat-ish rock somewhere, and paint a pentacle on that.

Even if you have absolutely no artistic talent whatsoever (like me) , it’s not that hard to draw a perfectly symmetrical 5-pointed star (that’s what the protractor is for) , and then paint over it.

Miscellaneous

Wal-Mart sells soapstone stick incense burners for just under $2. They’re not fancy, but they’re nice. If I didn’t have a plethora of wooden ones all over the house, I’d probably get one (I think the wooden ones breed when I’m not looking!) . They also sell reasonably nice cut glass candlesticks for about $3 each. In the potpourri section (usually near the fabric/craft section) they have potpourri-replenishing oils. I wouldn’t use the oils straight, I’d mix them with a small bit of unscented baby oil, but they smelled pretty good.

If you just can’t bring yourself to shop for ritual and altar items at Wal-Mart, don’t panic! Check out garage sales, flea markets, junky little antique stores, and estate sales. With a little time, effort, and patience, you’re very likely to find exactly what you want for next to nothing – like my prized pentacle-shaped cast iron pot trivet that set me back a whole three bucks at a junky antique store.

A ritual tool is not made more powerful by a high price tag or fancy decoration, but by use, by respect, and by intent. Let me give you an example: when I found myself unexpectedly living alone a few years ago, I went to the local flea market to pick up some kitchen items. I was broke, but I needed pots to cook in!

One of my finds was an old white enamel pasta pot for next to nothing. It came with a few dings in the enamel, but I have proudly served my coven many a soup, stew, or lasagna whose noodles were cooked in that pot. That pot is practically part of the coven, now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Ritual Tools That Won’t Break the Bank

Ritual Tools That Won’t Break the Bank

Author:   Bronwen Forbes   

We’ve all seen them, either on EBay or some online Wicca supply shop – or even the Pagan bookstore in our own town: ritual tools and altar pieces that are apparently only for the independently wealthy. Well, seeing as how I am still a full-time student, i.e. broke, I’ve been searching for alternative sources for ritual tools and other altar accoutrements priced reasonably enough to guarantee I could afford to eat meat for the rest of the month. I’d like to share them with you.

My first stop was, believe it or not, my local Wal-Mart. And if the items mentioned below can be found in my Wally World out in the middle of southwestern USA nowhere, I’ll bet they’re at your Wal-Mart, too.

Wands

I remember a few years ago that tree branches given a “spiral” look by having a grapevine grow around them were quite the popular item at various Pagan gatherings. Unfortunately, these polished, um, sticks were priced at seventy dollars each, if not more! Ouch!

Even here on the edge of the great Southwestern desert, we have trees. Which means your chances of having access to free wand material are even better than mine. Find a tree you like, either because it’s your favorite kind (oak, maple, etc.) or because it’s located near your home and you think it’s friendly, or whatever. Note: if the tree is not on your property, get permission before you cut a branch or two. Also note: get permission from the tree before you start chopping. Tradition holds that a wand should be the length of the owner’s arm from the tip of the middle finger to the elbow. Let the wood “cure” for a season or two; carefully remove the bark, and presto! Free wand!

Athame

If you’re not totally into the traditional athame, which is a double-edged blade with a black handle, Wal-Mart is your new best friend. If you’re drawn to kitchen witchery (herbalism, cooking, food spells, etc.) , the housewares aisle has a plethora of really nice kitchen knives (and I mean pretty darn nice) starting at around three dollars each. Or you can check out the hunting and camping department. They had some wicked (and I mean that in a good way, of course) hunting knives, averaging around fourteen dollars apiece.

Either way, these are much cooler, cheaper and more practical (!) than the easily bendable mermaid-shaped athame with Austrian crystal eyes for twenty bucks on EBay.

Chalice

If you’re very lucky, once or twice a year there will be some sort of arts fair in your town. These fairs attract a lot of potters. Potters like to make chalices, and will sell the ones where the glaze “didn’t come out quite right” for five to ten dollars. And then you have a handmade, one-of-a-kind chalice!

If you’re mostly lucky, there is a paint-your-own-pottery shop nearby. For about five dollars per painting session and three to ten dollars for the cup, again, you have a one-of-a-kind chalice that you glazed yourself. How cool is that?

However, there is always our friend Wal-Mart, which sells something call tea goblets. Tea goblets are basically short, fat wine glasses with very little stem and lots of cup space. Last Friday I noticed a choice of green or brown tea goblets for $2.22 apiece, or a box of four clear ones for about nine dollars. They looked pretty nice!

Pentacle

Assuming you don’t want to pay at least $40 for a brass or copper disc with a pentacle etched on it (and since you’re reading this, I’m guessing that’s a pretty fair assumption) , again, you’ll find everything you need to make a nice wooden one at Wal-Mart. A wooden disk six inches in diameter costs $.97 and can be found in the craft aisle. A protractor (assuming you don’t have one left over from geometry) costs about a dollar. Craft paint is also pretty cheap!

Or, you can forego the wooden disk, find a nice free round-ish, flat-ish rock somewhere, and paint a pentacle on that.

Even if you have absolutely no artistic talent whatsoever (like me) , it’s not that hard to draw a perfectly symmetrical 5-pointed star (that’s what the protractor is for) , and then paint over it.

Miscellaneous

Wal-Mart sells soapstone stick incense burners for just under $2. They’re not fancy, but they’re nice. If I didn’t have a plethora of wooden ones all over the house, I’d probably get one (I think the wooden ones breed when I’m not looking!) . They also sell reasonably nice cut glass candlesticks for about $3 each. In the potpourri section (usually near the fabric/craft section) they have potpourri-replenishing oils. I wouldn’t use the oils straight, I’d mix them with a small bit of unscented baby oil, but they smelled pretty good.

If you just can’t bring yourself to shop for ritual and altar items at Wal-Mart, don’t panic! Check out garage sales, flea markets, junky little antique stores, and estate sales. With a little time, effort, and patience, you’re very likely to find exactly what you want for next to nothing – like my prized pentacle-shaped cast iron pot trivet that set me back a whole three bucks at a junky antique store.

A ritual tool is not made more powerful by a high price tag or fancy decoration, but by use, by respect, and by intent. Let me give you an example: when I found myself unexpectedly living alone a few years ago, I went to the local flea market to pick up some kitchen items. I was broke, but I needed pots to cook in!

One of my finds was an old white enamel pasta pot for next to nothing. It came with a few dings in the enamel, but I have proudly served my coven many a soup, stew, or lasagna whose noodles were cooked in that pot. That pot is practically part of the coven, now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Feng Shui Tip for October 27th ~ ‘National Forgiveness Day’

I’ve gotten such positive feedback from this tip in the past that on ‘National Forgiveness Day’ I feel it’s my duty to put it out there again. If someone or something in your life (including yourself) needs your forgiveness, then this next adjustment is for you. On a piece of plain white paper write the name or circumstance that you need to forgive with a green ink pen. Fold the paper in four and place it inside any lidded glass receptacle like a Mason jar. Then pour just enough honey into the jar to cover the paper and tightly seal the jar. For the next nine nights burn a small white candle either atop the jar or immediately next to it while sending thoughts of forgiveness and love to the name written on the paper. After a few minutes you can blow out the candle. On the ninth day allow the candle to burn all the way down, and once the candle is cold, deposit everything in a brown paper bag. Dispose of this bag somewhere outside your living space and dispose of the weight of the world as well!

By Ellen Whitehurst for Astrology.com