Tag: Tabasco

Liar, Liar Pants On Fire Spell

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE SPELL

Supplies: a pair of underpants with the name of the offending party wrote on the crotch
with black marker; a bottle of the hottest Tabasco sauce you can find; a bit of thistle and nettles; cinquefoil; black pepper; rubbing alcohol; a long match; an old cauldron or
outside grill.
Instructions:
Pour the Tabasco sauce on the crotch of the underwear. Let dry.
Sprinkle with herbs and black pepper. Sprinkle with a bit of alcohol. Use a long match to light.
Burn in an old cauldron/outside grill. As the underwear burns say-
(the person’s name), I’ve had enough I rise above you,
I’ve rotten tough the wagging tongues of flame bite back
I refuse to take your hateful flack
Your lies become a conflagration
Bringing you to degradation
Your deceit recedes it’s clinging grasp
And I am free – the truth at last! Scatter the ashes off your property.

 

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 26

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!