Tag: Scorpio

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Cosmic Calendar for Monday, November 21st

Here is your last full day of Solar Scorpio. Have you been a successful, amateur detective during the previous four weeks – ferreting out long-lost secrets on the family front? Have you learned more about your hidden motives, deep-seated passions, and the way you tick psychologically? Tomorrow morning brings in the fiery, upbeat Solar Sagittarius 30-day cycle. Before you can kick up your heels under the sunny vibes of the ninth sign of the zodiac on Tuesday, deal with today’s reality – which may not be that easy to accomplish as Mars in Virgo forms an off-kilter, 150-degree link to Pallas in Aquarius (11:11AM PST). Problem-solving, strategy sessions and research may be more a hard task than a flowing experience. However, Virgo and Aquarius are the two signs of service – individual service via Virgo (particularly in the fields of health, medicine and education) and group service via Aquarius (particularly in the fields of science, the multi-media, and global, humanitarian causes). By helping others achieve their goals, you help yourself in the greater scheme of human evolution. Psychic storm warnings are still posted this evening as the Moon is contra-parallel Jupiter (9:46PM PST), Venus makes a frictional, 45-degree contact with Juno (11:09PM PST), and the Moon is contra-parallel Mars (11:59PM PST). Pushing the anger or panic button in despair is not the answer to having better relations with a dear one. Patience and sensitivity are the right approaches.

the daily humorscopes for monday, november 21st

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 21, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you’re typing!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that’s a plus.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn’t been “blackened”. Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Stinky feet day, today. Don’t go to a Japanese restaurant.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s nice that you’ve made good friends that you feel comfortable with. You might be getting a trifle TOO comfy, though – or you wouldn’t keep nodding off while talking with them.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustyness.

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

Zodiac Guidance: Your Horoscope Prayer

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

These short and simple prayers are based on your sun sign. They can help you to feel more balanced and grounded in your true self, bringing out what is best and deepest in you, helping you to function better in your life and your world.

Read the short prayer for your horoscope sign here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: May my courage help me to blaze new trails in my life.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Today, may I focus on my inner garden, growing what I truly need.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: May I share my ideas with ease, finding playmates of the spirit with every word I speak.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: May my sensitive heart be nourished today by pleasant memories and creativity.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: May my vital imagination be the fiery force that can change my life for the better.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Today, may I give thought to the messages of healing my body is sending me, and the ways I can give my body what it needs.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: May I create something beautiful today out of my deep love for Beauty.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: May I rise up again and again, filled with the power of renewal.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: May I speak the ideals of my heart clearly and with compassion for my self and others.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: May I remember that my most important responsibility is to express my true nature.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Today, may I be open to fresh new ideas that help me strengthen the bonds of community.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: May my deep intuition be a benefit to all my relations.

 

daily humorscopes for sunday, november 20th

the daily humorscope

Sunday, November 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a “horsepower” is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realising it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the centre of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 19th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, November 19, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will invent a new type of lingerie, and will make millions. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Your Horoscope Bird of Power

Your Horoscope Bird of Power

  • posted by Annie B. Bond

Inspired by Earth Magic, by Claire Nahmad (Inner Traditions, 1994).

Ever wish you could fly? Your sun sign is traditionally associated with different birds that can carry messages to the Great Spirit for you, offer spirit-support and healing, or sing a song for your soul.

Find out which birds are your horoscope birds of power here.

Aries, March 21-April 19: Vulture, magpie, robin.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Dove, sparrow, swan.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Parrot, linnet, eagle, finch.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Seagull, owl, white peacock.

Leo, July 23- Aug. 22: Peacock, rooster, eagle.

Virgo, Aug. 23-Sept. 22: Rooster, magpie, parrot.

Libra, Sept. 23-Oct. 22: Dove, swan, sparrow.

Scorpio, Oct. 23-Nov. 21: Eagle, vulture.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22-Dec. 21: Eagle, peacock, bird of paradise.

Capricorn, Dec. 22-Jan. 19: Owl, falcon.

Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 18: Cuckoo, albatross.

Pisces, Feb. 19-March 20: Swan, stork, sandpiper.

Cosmic Calendar for Friday, November 18th

Forewarned is forearmed! So goes an ancient astrological saying. Yesterday, in this calendar, a warning appeared that starting today the universe would stop playing the role of Mr. Nice Guy. Instead, we have a more brutish cosmic scene on our hands as the Last Quarter Sun-Moon Phase occurs (activating 26 degrees of Scorpio and Leo at 7:10AM PST), a void lunar cycle develops from 11:06AM PST to 2:20PM PST (when Virgo Moon begins), a potentially provocative and discordant Sun-Pluto parallel (1:26PM PST) occurs inside the void time-period, and – for good measure – the Moon makes its monthly, highly-charged union with Mars in Virgo (9:13PM PST). Combining this quartet of stellar happenings, it is clear that you need to be very cautious and careful across the board during this 24-hour time-span. Fortunately, pockets of positivity on the investment, literary and educational fronts are present as Mercury forms a supportive, 60-degree link to Vesta (5:34PM PST) while the Moon in Virgo trines Jupiter in Taurus (6:51PM PST). Nevertheless, when the two lights contact Mars and Pluto on the same day, it is highly likely that sparks will be flying in a wide variety of venues and realms of experience. If you want to avoid angry fallout and the wrath of relatives and loved ones – whether deserved or undeserved – do your best to be the picture of human kindness in all your social and familial interactions today.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, November 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don’t be noticed.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It’ll turn out that your glasses are smudged.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of rodents.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He’s just being crabby, if you ask me.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
What you need, mainly, is computerized shoes. Try to get the ones with the built-in serial port, so you can download a different average speed and average daily distance, to impress people. And you might as well get the ambient temperature readout, GPS, and pager options while you’re at it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 17th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you’re an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of short people.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 15th

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The phrase “return your tray tables to the upright and locked position” will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It’s not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Happy Frog Day!! Let’s hear it for our little amphibious friends!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will tell you today “Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school.” Despite being forwarned, you won’t have anything to say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll have a brilliant idea, but nobody will take you seriously. You should be able to will them over with pure logic, however. There must be millions of bonsai enthusiasts out there – how many of them wouldn’t want an itsy bitsy chainsaw? Maybe if you start off with the little teensy shovel and wheelbarrow?

the daily humorscopes for Monday, November 14th

the daily humorscope

 

Monday, November 14, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you’ll all have a good laugh about it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 12th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
If you want someone to change, it’s often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, “Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?”

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 11th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn’t it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, November 10th

This is a good point in this calendar to remind you that celestial alignments and events on one day don’t necessarily disappear the day after. Therefore, yesterday’s Neptune station is very much a reality today as well. It is just that a powerful Full Moon (activating 19 degrees of Scorpio and Taurus at 12:17PM PST) and the direct station of Chiron at 1 degree of Pisces (3:15PM PST) are now the main astrological happenings spreading their influences throughout humanity. Individual and group meditations are advised in and around the time-period of the Full Moon. Send out your healing thoughts and prayers to dear ones, friends, associates, and the kingdoms of nature. Since the Sun parallels Ceres (12:59PM PST) an extra note of nurturance and maternal care is being expressed throughout our social interactions. Meanwhile, the comet-like celestial body Chiron – that has been in retrograde motion since June 8 – stops from our vantage point and begins forward motion at 1 degree of Pisces (3:15PM PST). [Chiron stays forward until June 11, 2012 when it will shift into retrograde motion again at 10 degrees of Pisces.] All Chiron themes – the maverick, the wounded healer, the shaman, keys that open doors to higher consciousness, bridge-building between the spiritual and material planes, twilight zones of strange awareness, holistic healing and alternative medicine, herbalism and folk medicine, catalysts, shape-shifting and oracles – are reinforced throughout the day. Another major cosmic shift concerns Mars entering Virgo (8:16PM PST) for an extended stay until July 3, 2012 due to the red planet’s eventual retrograde cycle from January 23, 2012 to April 13, 2012. Mars in the sixth sign of the zodiac places an emphasis on being more organized, orderly in your approach to work and business, and striving to be an efficiency master at your residence or on the job.

New Moon Report for Nov. 10 – Full Moon in Taurus

 

 

 Full Moon in Taurus

Thursday, November 10, 12:16 pm PST, 3:16 pm EST

The placid Taurus Moon contrasts with the opposing Sun in Scorpio’s impulse to examine every act and question every motive. Stubborn standoffs between those who prefer things the way they are and those who need to turn the world upside down force us to examine our values. Of course, neither way of operating is appropriate all the time, so instead of locking into fixed positions, it’s wiser to recognize where to hold on and where to let go. Financial issues are likely to be emphasized as we seek ways to appreciate what we have (Taurus) while honoring our hunger for change (Scorpio).

the daily humorscopes for Thursday, November 10

the daily humorscopes 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Later this week you’ll feel much like Scarlet O’Hara did, when she said, “I’ll never be hungry again!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday,november 9th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as “classic” rock. Believe me, that’s not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the “big elbow” look.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in “Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit” by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A lot of people still do “spring cleaning”, but only a few families have preserved the tradition of “fall dirtying”. Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you’ll get to have some fun.