Laugh-A-Day for Sept. 18: You might be a redneck if…

You might be a redneck if…

You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave’em in the shade.

You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

You go to the family reunion to pick up women.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

You can’t tell what color your car is because of the dirt.

I’ve Learned

I’ve Learned

  • I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
  • I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
  • I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.
  • I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
  • I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
  • I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
  • I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
  • I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
  • People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
  • I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
  • I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Oh, My Aging Funny Bone

Lighten Up – Proof the Human Race is Doomed Through Stupidity

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
( and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be how??…)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”
(well………duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????………)

On packaging for a Rowena iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(and… I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use! .”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:”Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)