The two days before any Full Moon are a 48-hour time-period of preparation for the enlightenment that can descend into humanity and every soul who is seeking spiritual illumination. We are well within that 48-hour window of potential inspiration since the Full Moon – combined with a Total Lunar Eclipse – will happen tomorrow morning. However, there is an added dose of higher vibrations waiting to come through the cosmic pipeline and into the human kingdom on Earth as Uranus in Aries is poised to make its official station – turning from reverse to direct – tonight at 11:05PM PST. Today’s combination of curious, eager and adaptable Gemini Moon with a stationary Uranus – a key agent of revolutionary changes, flashes of genius, shock waves, surprises, and breakthroughs or breakdowns in consciousness – can be quite a handful. Think more about your exalted destiny in this lifetime and how you can exert your leadership qualities to enhance the flow of goodwill around our beleaguered home planet in the solar system. Be aware that Uranus is also stopping at the first degree of Aries – the same place it was located in back in March 2011 when the zodiacal year began with an exceedingly rare Sun-Uranus union at the Spring Equinox in the Northern Hemisphere. The forces of personal liberation and freedom from tyrannical forms of authoritarian control are spreading like wildfires across nations and continents – part of a larger cycle of Uranus entering Aries every 84 years and synchronizing with tumultuous shifts on terra firma.
Tag: Aries
the daily humorscopes for friday, december 9th
the daily humorscope
Friday, December 09, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of poltergeists, today.
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective.
You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!
You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
Daily Affirmation for December 8th
After each deep cleansing breath I release negative thoughts and sadness. With each following upbreath I accept postive thoughts and happiness to fill the totality of my body and spirit.
Your Horoscope Colors for Luck and Success
Your Horoscope Colors for Luck and Success
- Cait Johnson
Friday the 13th is said to be the unluckiest of days. Find out the colors for your horoscope that promise luck and success, and leave the bad luck behind.
Good luck usually follows when we align with our true selves, so wearing or surrounding ourselves with the colors that are best for our sun sign can really help!
Aries,March 21-April 19: Think of fiery hues–red, hot pink, yellow.
Taurus,April 20-May 21: Think of a garden in early summer–soft greens, rose-pinks, pale turquoise.
Gemini,May 22-June 20: Think of inspiring early-spring airiness–white, silver, yellow, spring green, pale gray.
Cancer,June 21-July 22: Think of moonlit seascapes–pale blue, silver, pearl, glistening white, emerald green.
Leo,July 23- Aug 22: Think of sunny and positive tones–gold, yellow, orange, vermilion, copper, blood red.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Think of colors of nature in summer and early Fall–pastel shades of blue, gold, peach, yellow, and amethyst; jade green, autumn hues.
Libra,Sept 23-Oct 22: Think of goddess-like dignity–royal blue, cerulean blue, rose-pink, amethyst, violet.
Scorpio,Oct 23-Nov 21: Think of mysterious and occult shades–deep, dark shades of red, russet-brown, shadow-black, stone-gray.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Think of stained-glass colors–lilac, mauve, purple, amethyst, violet, indigo, vermilion, midnight blue.
Capricorn,Dec 22-Jan 19: Think of neutral and earthy shades–black, gray, violet, dark brown, earth colors.
Aquarius,Jan 20-Feb 18: Think of neon rainbow colors–electric and ultramarine blue, electric green, deep violet.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Think of marine tones–purple, violet, amethyst, sea-green, turquoise.
Daily Cosmic Calendar for Thursday, December 8th
The clock is ticking louder as we near both the official turnaround of Uranus – from reverse to direct in Aries – tomorrow night while the potent Full Moon (also a Total Lunar Eclipse) will occur the following morning on Saturday December 10. Wow! While last weekend was filled with martial intensity and void lunar uncertainty, there is an extraordinary vibration of high-level genius that is ready to descend on humanity and awakened individuals from December 9 to 11. Meanwhile, the two largest celestial bodies – the Sun and Jupiter – play cat-and-mouse games early today as they make a dicey, 135-degree link (12:44AM PST). Overdoing a good thing and being too self-centered will boomerang. A touch of humility is the right celestial seasoning to start this day. Fashion, style, elegance and beauty are themes some 11 hours later when Venus makes a supportive, 60-degree tie to Juno (11:48AM PST). Check out the latest designs on the apparel, jewelry and art fronts. Your creative imagination and psychic sensitivity can be clicking on all cylinders – thanks to an inspirational, 72-degree tie from the Sun to Neptune (12:03PM PST). Where you may need to slow your tempo in pragmatic business matters is during the void lunar cycle in Taurus that starts at 3:40PM PST and continues until 6:53PM PDT. Complete odds and ends during this 3+ hour uncertainty zone, and then move forward with key communications and literary pursuits once the Moon enters airy Gemini (6:53PM PST). Light-hearted discussions, arts, crafts and beloved hobbies are in the spotlight for the rest of the evening
the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 8th
the daily humorscope
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”
Good day to hold hands. If you don’t currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake “severed hand” at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn’t accept American Express.
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab ’em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too — that’s always fairly effective
Daily Affirmation for Wednesday, December 7th
Today I open my eyes and see the world in a new light. I view it as a child seeing a freshly opened flower for the first time.
The Magical Tool for Your Sun Sign
The Magical Tool for Your Sun Sign
- Annie B. Bond
While most of us know that a good sun-sign horoscope can teach us about our characteristics, and even our soul-task in life, did you know that we were each given a magical tool at birth to help us?
We could all use a little help. Find out what the magical tool is that can help you achieve your spirit-goals, here:
Aries, March 21-April 19: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.
Taurus, April 20-May 21: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.
Gemini, May 22-June 20: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.
Cancer, June 21-July 22: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.
Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Your magical tool is the ROD. The rod expresses the active and enthusiastic masculine principle. Rod power enables creative form and dynamic self-assertion. The rod represents enterprising and pure spirit, action, growth, life energy, identity, and direction. The rod is the symbol of building from a spring of passion. Heat flows through the body and causes an action that regenerates the cells. It is comparable to sun energy. Rod energy needs constant change and takes initiative when new thought is put into action. Self-trust believes that every obstacle can be surpassed. The path that ROD takes: All challenges and obstacles can be transformed.
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Your magical tool is the PENTACLE. The pentacle is the combination of all previous symbols. It is the material of earth–real and solid. The pentacle represents humanity, duality, outer life, work, and the experience of the body. It is also material success and practical health as well as home and earth connections. It represents the knot of endless love. The pentacle is the most human of all the geometric forms. The pentacle energy is faultless in the five senses, the five fingers, and five pure virtues of faithfulness (cleanliness, compassion, courtesy, fellowship, frankness). It is the symbol of balance. Its foundation is feminine wisdom. It is the everlasting fountain of creativity. Pentacle energy anchors every individual in the real world. It recognizes what needs to be done. The magic of earth resides in the pentacle as well as the capacity to survive. It is magical because it survives. In nature, it is earth, soil, and all life. Pentacle energy is active and creates consciousness. It lives in love of harmonious change. It mediates in “win or lose” situations. To sum up the path pentacle energy takes: It lives single and free, like a tree on the prairie. At the same time it is a kindred spirit living in the forest.
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Your magical tool is the SWORD. The sword represents light and clarity. It is power and the fairness of a triumph where mistakes are permitted. Problems are removed. The sword helps to recognize the connection between personal experience and the condition of the world. It is like a butterfly, the completion of the cycle by way of metamorphosis. The word represents willpower, understanding, enthusiasm, courage, and passion. It is a strong mental energy allowing insight and decision-making. It represents language, intellect, and the world of thoughts. The sword is the symbol for strict discipline aimed at constructing without the losses that may occur. This energy recognizes the logic of things. Any deceptions are penetrated in order to uncover the truth. In nature, it may be seen as the whirlwind or the movement of air. In the mind, it causes the subconscious to work through any structures that create the manifest world. It gains its strength through experiencing difficulties. The sword cuts through opposition in an attempt to end all differences. Sword energy will sacrifice itself and forget itself., so it needs to be given a direction. To sum up the path the sword takes: To be strong without being hard is an acrobatic act.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Your magical tool is the CUP. The cup mainly expresses the feminine or passive principle. It represents the world of feelings, compassion, and receptivity. The cup represents happiness, love, beauty, and righteousness. It is the subconscious or the soul. The feelings of loss and grief find expression here. Cup energy lives in the world of feelings. It is receptive. It listens to the inner voice. It expresses a deep happiness of the heart. In nature, it is renewal and productivity. It is the place sexuality is birthed. It is the sensuous expression of life, as in a soft flowing landscape of hill covered in wildflowers. Feelings come to the surface in order to allow nature to take its course. The cup’s truth is to be what it is, when and how it wants to show itself. This energy is compassionate with a basic optimistic outlook. To sum up the path the cup energy takes: All things are flowing and my toughness is subdued.
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, december 7th
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight.” You should be ashamed of yourself.
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy”.
Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Your parents think your motorcycle is too dangerous, but that’s OK. Let’s just hope they don’t find out that you’ve been jumping it over the shark tank.
the daily humorscopes for friday, december 2
the daily humorscope
Friday, December 02, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Today you will lose all self-control. You’ll find it again tomorrow, though — it just rolled under the couch.
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of twine.
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Try to think of life as a game, today. For fun, make up new rules.
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilisation, and become famous.
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce”. You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Your path divides soon. On the one hand lies potato salad, followed by severe pain, thrashing about, seizures, and a horrible death. On the other hand lies Cole slaw. It’s a pity that you don’t like Cole slaw.
Sunsign Lucky Directions
Sunsign Lucky Directions
Which direction is lucky for you? Based on your astrological sun sign, find out all about your lucky direction. Should you study facing the east or the north west? Will the west bring you good news or will it be the South?
Sunsign Aries-
If your sun sign is Aries, your lucky direction for love is the east. By heading east, you are most likely to meet someone special. It may be love at first sight for you. For studies and career growth, the north will bring you luck Aries. The South east will be lucky financially, for all of you who belong to the zodiac sign Aries.
Sunsign Taurus-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Taurus, you will find the north east to be lucky for you in terms of love, romance and marriage. To enhance your career, the east direction will be lucky for you, Taurus. For financial luck, the north west direction will be lucky and will bring you good fortune.
Sunsign Gemini-
If your sunsign is Gemini; you will find the North West to be extremely lucky and good for your love life. Chances of meeting someone exciting in this direction are high. You will notice a visible growth in your career and see a lot of improve by heading towards the east. Financially, your luck will improve if you take all important decisions facing the north.
Sunsign Cancer-
For those of you who belong to the zodiac sign Cancer, your lucky direction for finding love is the north. Head out for a romantic vacation to some place towards the east. For growth in terms of your career, the west will be lucky for you Cancer. Financial luck will come to you if you make some investments in the north western direction.
Sunsign Leo-
If your zodiac sign is Leo, you will find the north east to be very lucky for you in terms of love and romance. You will finally meet the partner of your dreams if you head in this direction. Leo will find the east to be lucky for career related matters. Financially, the north will bring good luck and prosperity for Leo.
Sunsign Virgo-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Virgo you will find the north to be lucky for your love life. It will finally bring you that someone special you have been waiting for! For growth in career and meeting your career ambitions, the south east will be lucky. For financial luck, Virgo must take decisions facing the north or the east.
Sunsign Libra-
If your sunsign is Libra, you will find love towards your lucky direction north west. Career wise, you must take all your important decisions facing the east. It will bring you good results. You will gain financially by making investments towards the north.
Sunsign Scorpio-
If your sunsign is Scorpio, you will find love towards the west. To attract luck and boost your career prospects, always take decisions facing the northwest. Financially, the east direction will bring you luck and prosperity.
Sunsign Sagittarius-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Sagittarius, you will find the North West direction to be lucky for love related matters. The south will bring you new opportunities and help you grow professionally. For financial luck, take all important decisions facing the east.
Sunsign Capricorn-
If you belong to the zodiac sign Capricorn, you will find the north to be lucky for all love related matters. Attract luck in your career by heading to the south direction. You will gain financially, by taking all important decisions facing the south east direction.
Sunsign Aquarius-
Aquarius, your lucky direction for love is the north. You are likely to meet someone very charming if you head to the north. Growth and new opportunities are likely to come your way from your lucky direction, east. Financial luck is indicated to come from the North West direction.
Sunsign Pisces-
If you belong to the sun sign Pisces, you will attract love by heading to the north. Employment opportunities and good news in terms of your career will come to you from the west. Financially, you will gain by taking decisions facing the east Pisces.
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, november 30
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.
Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
Good day to doodle.
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
You will discover that you’ve always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it’s not your home.
You will become unwittingly embroiled in a turf war between rival Chinese restaurants, today, as you step off the sidewalk to avoid a person wearing an extremely large hat. Before the day is over, you’ll find yourself angrily hurling pot stickers at people you’ve never met.
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!
You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Good day to doodle.
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Our Horoscope Trouble Spots
Our Horoscope Trouble Spots
- posted by Annie B. Bond
Inspired by Astroshamanism, Book 2, by Franco Santoro (Findhorn Press, 2003).
Every sun sign of the zodiac has its weaknesses, and knowing what they are can be a valuable help to us as we craft our lives. After all, we will be less likely to engage in negative behaviors if we have a heads-up about the ones that might be troublesome or difficult for us!
Find out the trouble spots for your sun-sign, so you can downplay them, (or avoid them altogether!) here:
Aries, March 21-April 19:Aggressiveness, competition, contempt, hostility, impatience, irritability, stress, wilfulness.
Taurus, April 20-May 21:Fear and denial of the non-material, greed, materialism, over-indulgence, possessiveness, stubbornness, resistance.
Gemini, May 22-June 20:Ambiguity, cheating, criticalness, cunning, carelessness, deception, flattery, forgetfulness, gossip, indecisiveness, nervousness, unreliability.
Cancer, June 21-July 22:Attachment to past, co-dependency, emotional instability, food addiction, insecurity, moodiness, neediness, obsessive romanticism, possessiveness.
Leo, July 23- Aug 22:Arrogance, conceit, destructives, narcissims, ostentation, pompousness, shallowness.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22:Frustration, fussiness, guilt, hypochondria, hyper-criticism, insecurity, nit-picking, over-perfectionism, pedantry, pessimism, restlessness, servility, work-addition, worry.
Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22:Ambivalence, compromise, dependence, exploitation of relationships for ego gain, extravagance, frivolity indecisiveness, indolence, narcissism, procrastination, wastefulness.
Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21:Control, defensiveness, guilt, inflexibility, isolation, jealousy, manipulation, morbidity, obsession, obstinacy, possessiveness, resentment, secretiveness, self-hate, vindictiveness.
Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21:Conceit, dissipation, exaggeration, exhibitionism, extravagance, fanaticism, ill-judgment, inflation, irresponsibility, laziness, pretentiousness, recklessness, self-righteousness, self-indulgence, superficiality.
Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19:Apprehensiveness, coldness, dogmatism, fear of change, maliciousness, manipulation, mistrustfulness, narrow-mindedness, over-materialism, pessimism, rigidity, self-repression, stubbornness, suspiciousness.
Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Addiction to change, aggressiveness, autocracy, brusqueness, eccentricity, explosiveness, intolerance, irresponsibility, perversity, unreliability, urge to shock.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Addiction, escapism, dishonesty, dramatization, gullibility, hysteria, hypersensitivity, impracticality, irrationality, self-deception, self-indulgence, shyness, vagueness, victimization.
the daily humorscopes for monday, november 28th
the daily humorscope
Monday, November 28, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.
Beware of being cautious, today.
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)
A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.
While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.
the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 27th
the daily humorscope
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Seek out new life, and new civilisations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don’t get caught).
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalisation”. Time to go on a diet!
Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 26th
the daily humorscope
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you’re envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron”. You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.
Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.
the daily humorscopes for friday, november 25th
the daily humorscope
Friday, November 25, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I’m certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of “skipping” shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
This week, try to live your life based on the ad copy of a men’s cologne. For example: “The mood of the sea, and the spirit of the wind” (Cool Water, by Davidoff) Or perhaps: “Disturb the equilibrium” (Catalyst for Men, by Halston)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
New Moon Report for Nov. 24 – New Moon Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius
New Moon Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius
Thursday, November 24, 10:10 pm PST, Friday, November 25, 1:10 am EST
New Moons are usually characterized by a sense of freshness and initiative, but this one is a solar eclipse that puts a backward spin on the lunation cycle. Even though it’s in forward-thinking Sagittarius, the Moon’s shadow crossing the Sun is a reminder to take a step back and rethink our beliefs and re-examine our ideas about the future. Letting go of outdated expectations and rigid moral judgments is necessary before progress can be made. Inventive Uranus in Aries’ favorable trine to this Sun-Moon conjunction opens channels of innovation, but a tense square from energetic Mars in efficient Virgo demands a high degree of attention to current tasks.
The New Moon in visionary Sagittarius casts eyes toward distant horizons of unexplored possibilities. However, this lunation is a solar eclipse that will punish runaway egos and irresponsible behavior. The success of great journeys is built on carefully planned steps that may seem trivial or tedious at the time, yet can take us as far as our imaginations can go.
the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 24
the daily humorscope
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.
Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive”. You have a mind of great depth and profundity.
Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.
Try being entirely honest for a week. That’s a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though — a poor memory.
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Soon you will gain experience with the miracle of birth. It will be somehow associated with the miracle of elevators, and probably also to the miracle of screaming.
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
Witches Of The Craft® 
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