A Little Humor for Your Day – Pagan Jokes & Bumper Stickers

Pagan Jokes & Bumper Stickers

Culled from newsgroups, AOL message boards, and Compuserve forums.


 

Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!

 

What’s the best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on…

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!

 

“He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!”

 

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?

Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

 

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?

Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

 

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veternarian?

Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

 

What do ya’ call 13 Witches in a hot tub?

Self-Cleaning Coven

 

Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!

 

The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework.

 

Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us…

 

How many Gardnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Can’t say. It’s oathbound

 

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Same number as Gardnerians.

 

Q: What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?

A: Wicker

 

Q: Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?

A: She thought the Rede said, “Chew what you will, but ham?–none.”

 

A high priest tells his coven member, “Hey, I heard a new fundie joke today.” The member replies, “Man, you’re always slamming fundies. Why don’t you tell us a Martian joke instead?” “OK, Two Martians are carrying their Bibles to church. The first Martian says, ‘At the revival last week, I led 15 new souls to accept Jesus Christ as their personal saviour’ and the other Martian says–” “Never mind,” says the member.

 

What’s the difference between New Age and Pagan?

About $500.00 a weekend.

 

The definition of “SAINT”: “A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives.”

 

The bumper sticker ‘Dyslexics of the world Untie” — it works

 

How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.

 

Please don’t squeeze the shaman!

 

When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!

 

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

None — if a candle was good enough for Gramma it’s good enough for me!

 

Q: What is a witch’s favorite snack?

A: PAN pizza

 

Q: What’s a witch’s favorite subject in school?

A: SPELLing.

 

Source:
Pagan Library

Astronomy Picture of the Day – Mars Then and Now

Astronomy Picture of the Day

Discover the cosmos! Each day a different image or photograph of our fascinating universe is featured, along with a brief explanation written by a professional astronomer.

2015 December 28

Mars Then and Now
Credit & Copyright: Tom Ruen, Eugene Antoniadi, Lowell Hess, Roy A. Gallant, HST, NASA

 

Explanation: Does Mars have canals? A hot debate topic of the late 1800s, several prominent astronomers including Percival Lowell not only claimed to see an extensive system of long straight canals on Mars, but used them to indicate that intelligent life exists there. The relatively close opposition of 1894 was used to make drawings like the one digitally re-scaled on the above left. The above map was originally prepared by Eugene Antoniadi and redrawn by Lowell Hess for the book Exploring Mars, by Roy A. Gallant. In more modern times, the latest Mars opposition has allowed the Hubble Space Telescope to capture a picture of similar orientation. Comparison of the two images shows that large features were impressively recorded, but that an extensive system of long and straight canals just does not exist. Satellites orbiting Mars have now shown conclusively that the red planet does indeed have surface features similar to canals, but that these are usually smaller, curved, and less extensive than that previously claimed. Real canyon systems like Noctis Labyrinthus are most likely cracks caused by surface stress.

Earth Sky News for Dec. 28th: Look for Mercury, west after sunset

Look for Mercury, west after sunset

 

Tonight – December 28, 2015 – or any evening around now, look for Mercury, the solar system’s innermost planet. This little world is bright, but it’s often obscured by the sun’s glare. On December 28, according to North American clocks (December 29 at around 0300 UTC), Mercury reaches its greatest eastern elongation from the setting sun. That’s its greatest distance from the sun on our sky’s dome for this evening apparition. It means that Mercury is staying out for a maximum period of time after sunset right now.

Look for this world low in the western sky and near the sunset point on the horizon, starting 50 to 60 minutes after sundown. Mercury’s precise setting time depends on where you live worldwide. At mid-northern latitudes, Mercury sets about 90 minutes after sunset; at temperate latitudes in the Southern Hemisphere, it’s closer to 80 minutes after the sun goes down.

Given an unobstructed horizon and a clear sky, you should be able to spot Mercury with the unaided eye. After all, this world shines on par with the sky’s brightest stars.

Sometimes, the murky haze of evening twilight obscures the view of Mercury. So bring along binoculars, if you have them!

If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, the stars of the famous Summer Triangle asterism may help guide you to Mercury. Although Mercury is actually brighter than any Summer Triangle star, Mercury sits much closer to glare of evening twilight. For that reason, one or more stars of the Summer Triangle – Vega, Deneb and Altair – may pop out into the darkening twilight before Mercury does. At mid-northern latitudes, look for Mercury to the lower left of the Summer Triangle. See the first chart below.

Or … Are you a morning person? Then check out the second chart below. Before dawn now, you can see four planets. Going upward from the sunrise – along the ecliptic, or sun’s path – they are Saturn, Venus, Mars and Jupiter.

Soon, Mercury will leave the evening sky and join the morning planets. Then all five visible planets will be up simultaneously – for the first time since 2006!

Bottom line: Mercury is at greatest elongation – farthest from the sun on our sky’s dome – on December 29 at 0300 UTC (evening of December 28 for North America). After this, Mercury will dim somewhat and sink rapidly closer to the sun each day. Even so, Mercury should remain in good view in the evening sky for at least several more days.

 

Author

Your Daily Influences for December 28th

Your Daily Influences

December 28th, 2015

 

 

Six of Swords Reversed
Life is at a standstill. Difficulties will probably remain as they are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perthro
Mysteries will become known to you. You should be able to see your life’s path clearly at this time. Perthro is often thought of as “Gambler’s Rune.” You are in a lucky period right now. Chance is your ally. Take advantage of it.

 

 

 

Scorpio the Scorpion
This aspect of your life will be strongly influenced by a person who is determined, forceful, emotional, intuitive, powerful, passionate, exciting and magnetic. This person is probably an acquaintance you made at work

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Daily Influences represent events and challenges the current day will present for you. They may represent opportunities you should be ready to seize. Or they may forewarn you of problems you may be able to avoid or lessen. Generally it is best to use them as tips to help you manage your day and nothing more.

 

 

Your Charm for Monday, December 28th is Book of Charms

Your Charm for Today

Today’s Meaning:
A would be intruder into your private affairs will be averted by steps you take to protect this aspect. The book of charms indicates you should take extra steps to protect information and beware of anyone asking for personal data.

General Description:
The Batak, or Bark Book of Charms, is a magical ritual implicitly believed in by the natives of Sumatra. It is consulted as a reliable guide and counselor in their private and important affairs. In the East Indian Archipelago superstition talismans, and amulets, play a most important part in the lives of the natives. Sickness is attributed to the patient being possessed of an evil spirit, and their witch doctors profess to expel the intruder by the means of charms. Often the names of the suffers are changed in order to deceive the evil

Shuffling The Tiles, Your Past, Present & Future Reading for December 28th (using Dominoes)

Your Past, Present, Future Reading for Today

 

That Which is Behind You

One/Three

Your spiritual self can move to new heights, strengths, and understanding if you allow it to. Now is a good time for you to devote a portion of your energy to better understanding your relationship with the universe and your God.

 

Your Current Place

Two/Five

Look to your inner-self for direction. It is in your dreams and fantasies that you will find the right path for you.

 

 

That Which is before You

Three/Four

The time for you to address your spiritual self is now. You should also consider mentoring those in need of your wisdom. Share your knowledge and open your heart to those who need assistance.

Your Animal Spirit for December 28th is The Eagle

Your Animal Spirit for Today
December 28, 2015 

Eagle

Eagle soars high enough to see the grand panorama of life, and yet has vision keen enough to spot a fish a mile away. How’s your vision? Are you seeing the big picture or are you only concentrating on the fish? Eagle is asking you to take a step back so you can once again see the whole. You’ve gotten so lost in the trees you’ve forgotten the forest.

Your Ancient Symbol Card for December 28th is The Owl

Your Ancient Symbol Card for Today

The Owl



The powerful Owl easily makes its way through the darkest night on muted wings. Often it is only their haunting call echoing across the land that lets us know The Owl is near. Because of its amazing night vision, many cultures have attributed wisdom and the ability to uncover even the deepest secrets to the enigmatic, noble Owl. The Owl’s nocturnal prowess has lead many to see them as a messenger between the material and spirit worlds. Cultures as distinct as the African Zulus and ancient Celtics have ascribed magical powers to The Owl made them a revered companion to shaman and wizards.

As a daily card, The Owl marks a moment when wise decisions and actions must be made based upon information known to only a few, or possibly only you. It marks a time when your vision is likely to be clearer, more acute than of those around you. Spiritual revelations may be made. Secrets may be revealed that demand decisive action.

 

Your Daily Witches Rune for December 28th is The Scythe


Your Daily Witches Rune

The Scythe

Sudden changes and endings. Making a final decision. Completing something. Walking away from something or someone. Danger.

Additional information about Today’s Witches Rune, The Scythe….

The Scythe

This symbol is very familiar to most of people, often associated with harvest and death. In the runes, it is no different. The Scythe is related to endings, sudden separations, final decisions, important changes and danger.

The appearance of this symbol show that there’s something in you life you need to bring to end now, before it snowballs into something worse. Usually, the decision that the Scythe forces you to make is one you’d rather escape from… it’s a painful and difficult choice. Even though you know (or feel) it’s for the best, you’ll mourn the fact that it has to happen.

Also, the Scythe is connected to sudden, swift changes that force you to alter completely your plans, strategies and sometimes the very way you see the world. The situation is no longer what it was, your modus operandi no longer works here. Your ideas no longer correspond to the reality. The information you have is no longer accurate, or useful. You need to strain those adaptation muscles and find a way to keep standing while the rug is pulled from under your feet.

Although this rune can represent physical danger, such as accidents or surgeries, many time it refers to sense of foreboding. Something just isn’t right… the fear of loss looms large. Trust these feeling and proceed with caution. This rune can also relate to actual death and all related to it: burials, graveyards, inheritances, heirlooms, legacies and things connected to your ancestry.

In relationship readings, the Scythe suggest caution too. It can represent sudden and irresistible attractions, the kind that inspire people to do crazy things. . Obviously, this rune also represent separations, divorce and conflicts, always leaving a sour aftertaste. The strong passion can quickly transform into strong resentment. In its most positive note, this rune can symbolize relationship that completely transform the people involved.

Your Crowley Thoth Tarot Card for December 28th is The Hierophant

Your Crowley Thoth Tarot Card for Today

The Hierophant



The Hierophant represents the protector of a culture’s heritage and traditions. His purpose is to defend and teach the established ways and beliefs a group embraces. He is inherently conventional and a true believer in the power of the group. He loves the structure of the group and its values. It is the task of The Hierophant to bring new members into the group—to prepare the uninitiated to take their rightful place in his culture. In this sense he is very much like a teacher or a priest. He also acts as the repository of his group’s history. The Hierophant is certainly not one to buck proper authority. However, he is staunch and worthy defender of the tried and true. He represents the positive aspects of tradition and conformity.

Casting the Stones, Your Past, Present & Future Reading for December 28th

Casting the Stones, Your Past, Present & Future Reading for Today

 

bw-kenazThe Past
Kenaz

Kenaz foretells the coming of clarity and knowledge. It is time for you to grow by exchanging knowledge with others. Opportunities are upon you.

 

bw-naudhizThe Present
Naudhiz

Naudhiz may foretell needs unmet and friction in relationships. You may be in a time where you should be very careful in whatever endeavor you take on. Also it may be that you are about to learn some of life’s hard lessons and come out the other side of this period a stronger being.

 

bw-perthroThe Future
Perthro

Mysteries will become known to you. You should be able to see your life’s path clearly at this time. Pethro is often thought of as “Gambler’s Rune.” You are in a lucky period right now. Chance is your ally. Take advantage of it.

Today’s Rune for Monday, December 28th is Ingwaz

bw-ingwaz

bw-ingwazYour Rune For Today
Ingwaz

Ingwaz signifies completion, success and fertility. Your present ambitions are about to be met. You are fecund in both mind and body.

Additional information about Today’s Rune, Ingwaz

inguz : Ing

Phonetic equivalent: ng

DIVINATORY MEANINGS: work, productivity, bounty, groundedness, balance, connection with the land

MAGICAL USES: fertility, farming, growth, general health, balance

ASSOCIATED MYTHS & DEITIES: Freyr / Ing, Nerthus, Thor, the Vanir

ANALYSIS: Ing is a Danish / Anglo-Saxon name for Freyr, the God of agriculture and fertility. Agriculture represents one of the first attempts by mankind to control the environment, and the fertility of crops, animals and people has always been the primary concern and religious focus of most Pagan agrarian societies. From the earliest Sumerian accounts to modern-day British folk custom, people throughout history have sought to ensure the success of their crops.

The vast majority of people in Western society have lost all contact and connection with the land and the process of growing things.

The spiritual consequences of this segregation from the earth have been disastrous, since most people find it difficult to relate to deity in a purely man-made environment. The shape of this rune can be likened to that of a field, but its real significance may lie in its balance, representing the harmonious relationship between ourselves and the four elements / four directions. Inguz reminds us of that ancient connection between the Gods and the land, and re-links (the real meaning of the ‘religion’) us with our spiritual natures through the realm of the physical. It is quite literally a grounding rune, and by reintroducing us to the earth, it reconnects our bodies, our minds and our spirits.