The Daily Humorscopes
For
Sunday, September 1
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
After spending days learning to simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy, you will move on today to patting your head and rubbing someone else’s tummy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your neighbors’ will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Avoid yodeling today.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help.
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