Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don’t especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) — you’ll find it’s his new hobby.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a “normal” name. Everyone is a “Darius”, or a “Baxter”, or a “Kyle”. Just to be ornery, you will change your name to “Xnarp”.