Aries (March 21 – April 19)

As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.