the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 28th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it’s good to make them feel special once in a while.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This might be a good time to learn how to really “flick” your fingers. You never know when a good flick will be needed. I’m betting it’s soon, though, in your case.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Everyone who drives by today will stick their head out their car window, give you a big dopey look, and flop their tongue around in the wind. If you had known this was “act like a dog” day, you might have been better prepared.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.