the daily humorscopes for friday, sept. 16th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the financial kind.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley”. Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.