Finding My Way To Wicca
Author: Elle Sea
Like most kids, I grew up Christian. Even as a child, religion was a big part of my life. I went to church on Sundays and went to an additional church group (Awanas) each Thursday night after dance class. I knew that all the “bad guys” went to Hell and that the “good guys” went to Heaven to live with God and His angels. I wanted to study the bible and be a good girl, so I could go live with God and the angels too.
I became the model student in Awana. I always remembered verses from the bible that no one else could remember. The preacher was very kind to me and he was like a father to me, in a way (I never knew and still don’t know my father, so it was a big deal to me) . He told me all about Heaven and that I was going to go live with the angels and God too. He said that all Christians would be saved, that God loved them and he would forgive all their sins. But, he never said one word about anyone in the other religions. At the time, this didn’t trouble me. He is a good man, and I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by not talking about the other religions. The point is that I didn’t think of them either. Some part of me, deep inside, didn’t care, because my family would all be going to Heaven, as they are mostly Christian (I don’t know any that aren’t, excluding myself and my mother) .
I, of course, believed every word he said. A relative worked in Awanas too, because he lived near the church. I loved talking to him. I also loved being able to go and see kids my age. They were all nice and we would hang out and mess around before we had to go in church and study. We became close friends.
Eventually, I started to lose faith in what the preacher said. I no longer craved his approval, as I had when I was young. Although I didn’t realize it the time, I stopped believing in God and worrying about going to Hell.
Then, one night, my mother gave me an article about Wicca. I’ve always loved learning about religions and mythology. She knew someone that was Pagan and thought I’d think it was cool. She never really meant for me to learn (and, not in the least, to start believing) it. Things about Wicca just simply drew me in. I’d never been so curious in my life, not that I could remember, anyway.
So I began to learn more about Wicca. I was young then, too, but I was at the stage where I went to the computer when I wanted to learn something. I went to a couple websites and became even more intrigued. My mom then bought me a few books about Wicca. I devoured the first one faster than when I’d read Harry Potter, one of my favorites, so this was saying something.
The more I learned of Wicca, the more interested I became. Of course, this was the same with some of the other religions I’ve studied. I want to know as much as possible. But, still, there seemed to be something different. Something that made me want to know everything that I could, and then some more. It didn’t seem strange to me. It still doesn’t, it felt natural to me.
Automatically, I felt a deep connection to the Goddess. Maybe it was just that she was a woman, someone I could relate to. Or maybe it was because that I could more easily picture a mother than a father, as I don’t know what one is like. Whatever it was, I knew that She was special. So one night, I sent a prayer to her.
It wasn’t really a prayer, exactly. I just spoke to her like I would to a normal person. Like I would to my mother, with whom I share a very close relationship. I’d like to say that I felt a spiritual awakening or something, but I didn’t. It wasn’t any different than talking to someone who wasn’t really there. I eventually lost hope that She was even real.
Then, more than a week later, I was pushed to talk to her again. Somewhere, deep inside, I knew She was there. The first time hadn’t been like that. It had been something I wanted to experiment with. This time, I knew that She would listen. I felt it, knew it. From what I learned, I thought the best place would be outside, in nature, surrounded my earth.
So I spoke quietly to her. As time went on, I became more confident that She would listen. It was different than the first time. It was like talking to someone, just to get it off your chest, but still knowing that they sincerely wanted to hear you out, to know what you had to say. That may be a bad way to explain it, but that’s the only way I can think of.
Time flew by and I studied for a year and a day. Then, I did a horrible self-initiation. When I’d thought I’d messed it all up and was about to forget it, I changed my mind. I decided it didn’t matter whether I had a big ceremony or whatever; it was just that I believed in the Goddess and God enough to try. So I finished my ridiculous initiation with some strips of pride still intact.
I think that, more than anything, made me feel better. I have been studying Wicca ever since, and still am. Wicca has helped me feel more in tune with nature. Plus, I feel more confident within myself. I care less about what people think and more about how I feel about myself. Altogether, Wicca did some really good things for me. I know that whatever I do, the Lord and Lady will be there beside me to guide me through it. To me, this is a comforting thought.
Blessed be. ) O (