the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 28

the daily humorscope


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You should look into some of that new “dream interpretation” software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyse you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink…when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will find that it is true – every thing is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic. Well, except for running shoes, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization”. Time to go on a diet!