the daily humorscope
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Doug.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You’ll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to sneak.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You look rediculous in that. Go and change.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.