the daily humorscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will meet someone who you haven’t seen in a long time, and will barely recognize them. At least not without the spiked collar and the whip.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a “stiff upper lip”. Much to everyone’s surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you will be up the creek, but you will actually have a very large number of paddles with you, due to some excellent planning on your part.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.