the daily humorscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling.” Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!”. That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.