The Daily Humorscope for 3/27

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that’s all I should really say, except possibly that it’s often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Beware of Chihuahuas today. Actually, any day is a good day to beware of Chihuahuas. They’re not intrinsically evil like minivans, but they’re definitely a step in the wrong direction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realize that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I’m afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.