the daily humorscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it “hubcaps.” This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn’t kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn’t be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!”.