Tantric Sex for Beginners: 4 Easy Tips!

Tantric Sex for Beginners: 4 Easy Tips!

My friend Sean recently wowed me by casually mentioning that he had just  attended a three-day tantric sex workshop where the end goal was, well, for no  end goal.  “The point,” he said, “is to channel all the sexual energy that would  normally leave during an orgasm, back into your body.  It gives you so much  energy!”

Sure enough, achieving the big “O” is not Tantra’s main objective. Instead, you  attempt to prolong the act, increasing potent sexual energy and intimacy with  your partner. If you focus solely on the grand finale, you’ll miss the amazing  range of feeling the rest of the show offers.  “Sexual energy is one of our most  powerful energies for creating health,” says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author  of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.  “Through the intimate connection  with another, our stress hormones lower and our serotonin shoots through the  roof.”

Hmmm, I’ve certainly heard of Tantra but besides the Bible-length Kama Sutra,  wacky-sounding positions like “lotus” and “jumping spider” and tales of Sting  engaging in 36-hour lovemaking sessions, I didn’t know much, let alone that the  intimacy is great for our health.  “Even without an exhaustive education,” says  Wendy  Strgar, Care2 columnist and CEO of Good, Clean Love, “the principles behind  tantric practice can go a long way in deepening the connection you share with  your partner.”

Design an “intimacy space”

This should be a comfortable area that is playful and relaxed. First, clear  the room of any attention-grabbing clutter. Next, decorate with flowers, candles  and cozy fabrics. Scent is really important to our sensuality, so try natural  oils like jasmine, ylang-ylang, or rose. Make sure your bed is as comfortable as  possible with soft sheets and a number of pillows. Lastly, chose a soundtrack of  music that you both like. Play it softly in the background to enhance your  mood.

Breathe Each Other’s Breath

Harmonizing your breath is one of the easiest ways to  sync with your partner. Straddle your partner’s lap (called the yab-yom  position) and inhale while they exhale and vice versa. As your partner breathes  out, you’ll find yourself taking their breath into and down through your entire  body.  As you exhale, consciously attempt to energize the breath.  In this way,  you’re sharing all of yourself with your partner.  “Becoming conscious about  your breath is central to all yogic practices and is foundational in Tantra,”  says Strgar.

Keep Your Eyes Open

“The idea of making love with your eyes open is one of the fundamentals of  deep connection in intimacy,” says Strgar.  “It is surprisingly harder to do  than you might expect.   Move toward this idea as an intention rather than a  rule and be amazed as the collection of glimpses that will reshape how you think  about your partner and yourself.  It is not easy to be seen, even by the people  we love.  Truly witnessing the act of love is profoundly transformative.”

Take it Slow

Sorry guys, foreplay is essential in Tantra. A leisurely, slow build helps  men control longevity and piques women’s arousal. The longer you linger in this  process of building energy, the longer your session will last and the more  energy you will build. Use this time to fully focus on each other. As in  meditation, when your thoughts wander, gently guide your attention back to your  partner and the magic of the moment at hand.

The Truth About Tantric Sex

The Truth About Tantric Sex

There’s a scene in my women’s novel where the main character, Lorna, has an  amazing sexual experience. It’s not because her partner has any special  abilities in bed, but rather that Lorna, on a new quest to live spiritually in  her everyday life, opens herself to the energy of source during the encounter.  “The expression ‘best sex I’ve ever had’ seems a massive understatement,” Lorna  marvels afterward. “This feeling of expansiveness, of being at one with the  world, is the best anything I’ve ever had.”

I didn’t know until I recently spoke with Miranda Shaw, author of the book  Passionate Enlightenment: Women in Tantric Buddhism,  that what Lorna had glimpsed was a Tantric sexual experience. Shaw, an associate professor of  religion at the University of Richmond, says Tantric sex is not so much about  sex as many of us think. Instead, the intimate act is merely one of many  vehicles practitioners use to connect with the cosmic flow. Western teachers who  focus on boosting your sex life through Tantra have it wrong, she claims–the  emphasis is more appropriately placed on boosting your enlightenment.

That’s not to say sex doesn’t enter the picture. Read on for more about this  fascinating practice–and some of Shaw’s tips for bringing a piece of it to your own bedroom.

Can you describe what “Tantra” is?

Tantra emerged in India in the seventh century as a way to weave (that’s what  the word Tantra means) every aspect of daily life, including intimate  relationships and erotic experience, into the spiritual path. Strands of Tantra  exist in the Hindu, Jain and Buddhist traditions, although my study is Buddhist  Tantra.

So Tantra involves much more than  sex?

Yes, there are many practices: methods for working with energy, images to  contemplate, sacred sounds (mantra) to chant. The central goal is to realize the  inherent beauty and perfection of the world and sacredness of all beings,  including oneself. Romantic partnerships are a focus of Tantric practice because  they are fertile ground for revealing the beliefs and emotions–the  illusions–that cause us to suffer and act in ways that harm others. The goal is  to see reality as it is and respond appropriately, with clarity and compassion,  in a way that contributes to the evolution of the planet toward greater  well-being and happiness for all living beings.

But sex is also a major part? Why?

Rather than something that detracts from religious life, sexual experience is  a prime opportunity for spiritual cultivation if approached meditatively and as  a yogic practice. The central purpose is to tap the cosmic energy that flows  through the human body, heighten and concentrate the energy through sexual  union, and then use the energy as fuel for spiritual transformation.

Tell me a little about a full-blown Tantric sex ritual as practiced  by a serious practitioner?

I prefer the term “sexual yoga” to “Tantric sex.”  The practice is  advanced and rather technical–a kind of inner “rocket science”–that incorporates  mindfulness meditation, emptiness philosophy, yogic breathing, mantra  recitation, visualization of deities and symbols, and movement of energy and  inner fire (called kundalini) through the subtle yogic anatomy of channels and  energy centers (chakras) along the spine. My book, Passionate  Enlightenment, describes some practices–-ways to meditate and images to  envision–to direct sexual union to spiritual ends.

Is it true that Tantric sex was created primarily for  men?

That is a common misconception that appeared in virtually all popular and  scholarly writings on Tantra before I undertook my research. But I discovered  extensive evidence to the contrary. First, mutuality is a core principle of  Tantric relationship. From the first meeting onward, there are protocols to  ensure that the man doesn’t manipulate or exploit the woman–she holds the right  of choice. Second, Tantric texts emphasize what a man has to do to appeal to,  please and merit the companionship of a woman, but there are no corresponding  requirements for a woman. In fact, he has to do anything she requests and assure  that she is satisfied. The practice is described as his offering of pleasure to  her for the sake of her inner yogic practice.

Are there aspects of this “sexual yoga” that the uninitiated can  practice?

Sexual yoga is an advanced practice, but anyone can adopt a Tantric, or  spiritual, approach to sexual experience. At the core is seeing the experience  as an energy event–that is, a merging of two energy fields–and being attentive  to how the interplay of energies ignites a dynamic inner landscape of vitality,  light and imagery. Allow the light, heat and however that energy manifests to  illuminate and replenish your psyche, generate positive mind-states and  emotions, and nourish your creativity and life journey.

Contrary to popular belief, the intended benefits of Tantra do not include  enhanced sexual pleasure. For that, India has other practices, known as the  “arts of love,” as taught in the Kama Sutra. The purpose of this branch  of knowledge is to bring a more sophisticated artistry to the stages and skills  of lovemaking in order to devote the sexual experience to spiritual  cultivation.

Here are a few specific practices:

Gaze into your partner’s eyes. Sit facing your partner for  at least 20 minutes, gazing into one another’s eyes. The idea is to strive to  glimpse the pure essence of your partner–the divine, sacred core.  You can  boost the level of engagement by joining palms, left hands facing upward and  right hands downward. Envision sending energy through the right hands and  receiving through the left, circulating the current of energy that flows through  both bodies, counterclockwise. This practice can be done on its own or as a  prelude to union.

• See yourself as radiant light. In the middle of your  lovemaking, envision yourself as an enlightened being floating through space in  a sphere of light. The powerful energy available during lovemaking enhances your  ability to do this. Radiate the joy and harmony of your union throughout the  entire universe in the form of light rays or drops of nectar that spread  happiness, illumination and healing to all beings everywhere.

Offer pleasure to the goddess. One sexual ritual anyone  can do is called “stri-puja,” which means “worship of the woman.” The man  creates an altar-like setting with candles, incense and other symbols of  sacredness. He then makes offerings (such as flowers and other gifts), feeds her  delicacies, strokes her body with a moistened flower, massages her feet with  scented oil, kneels and bows before her, and praises her. The erotic union that  follows is his offering of pleasure to her, his goddess. This practice  challenges the woman to embrace her sacredness, while, for the man, it is an  opportunity to cultivate and express his appreciation and adoration. Surrounding  the experience with sacred intent, making it a ritual, can lead to a deeper  level of communion and open the way for positive emotions to infuse the  relationship, such as greater harmony and gratitude for one another. The  experience can go in surprising directions. (Do know that Tantra is not  heterosexist. Gay and lesbian couples can adapt this practice however it suits  them.)

Tips for Surviving Monogamy

Tips for Surviving Monogamy

  • Pamela Madsen

In the top 10 reasons why individuals and couples come to me for intimacy and sexuality coaching is the reality that they have simply stopped having sex. Many think that what they need is “Sexual CPR.” They know it is not because they have stopped loving each other, or even think that they have stopped finding each other sexy. It’s just that they are not “turned on” or excited by each other anymore. The problem is time and togetherness can wear down erotic energy in long-term relationships.

If you are in a long term monogamous relationship, and you have stopped having sex, or sex is very infrequent, you may think you are broken or something is wrong with you or your relationship. It might be comforting to know that you are far from alone.

Sexual boredom and the lack of fire are often the reasons why some people reach outside of their long term relationship even though they are still happy with their partner on all other levels.

In a culture that is obsessed with sex, we ironically provide very little adult sex education. Outside of a myriad of “how to” sex books, there is very little in the way of authentic tools taught to us about how to make sex happen when it stops, and how to make it feel good again.

What we need to learn is that sex needs to become a pleasure that we decide to make happen as opposed to us waiting for the heat of desire to take us over. It can seem awfully boring, and certainly not a NY Times bestseller, to preach about how we need to create time and room for sex in our lives when our hormones are not raging for it. If you are waiting to be swept away by fiery passion in a long term relationship, it is possible you will be waiting a long time for your next sexual experience!

But putting conscious effort into what we think should come naturally can be very uncomfortable for many couples. Even couples who seek sexual coaching can have a lot of trouble doing their homework, because homework means consciously choosing to have a sexual experience. It can feel very awkward and uncomfortable to put sex on the calendar for Wednesday night!

But it is also very empowering to be able to consciously deal with sex as we do with everything else that is important in our lives. When we make room for sex, and put sex on the calendar we are making a very important statement to ourselves and to our partner. In making the commitment to mindful sex, we are also declaring to our partners that not only is sex worthy of our time and attention – but so are they.

Knowing that our partners still find us desirable and are willing to plan to show up for us is incredibly important. That kind of conscious love will not only help fuel our erotic engines again, but all of the other parts of our relationship as well.

The biggest resistance I get from couples around “calendar sex” is that scheduling sex is not “hot sex.” Somehow, if we feel like our love-making is not going to be red hot and smoking, then “Why bother?” The fact is that calender sex may not start as hot sex, but it can start as “warm sex”!

Warm sex can be very nourishing and pleasurable and can reward you in a manner that hot sex can’t. Try thinking about showing up for sex as anticipating and savoring a warm, nourishing, slow-cooked, pleasurable meal. And everybody knows that a pot has to warm up before it can boil.

Sex Educator and Sexological Body Worker, Caffyn Jesse offers these tools for conscious and warm sex:

“Why not experiment with expressing a range of emotions sexually: anger, frolic, naughtiness, mindlessness? We can play doctor, play dominatrix, have sex in a car, have a wild affair with our spouse.

When couples choose to explore the path of pleasure, learning and conscious sexuality, an astonishing richness becomes possible. We can share profound bonding, ecstatic awareness, and infinite variety within a single relationship.”

Mark Semple, an Intimacy, Love and Business Coach suggests “Being gentle with ourselves is essential in this pursuit. Allowing ourselves a timeout from the demands of daily life and family. Ensuring we are our top priority and care for ourselves the way we care for everyone else. Exploring our hearts, minds, spirits and bodies to reconnect with our essence and align with that which does get out passion burning and our juices flowing.”

Allow yourselves to explore pleasure again, and challenge each other to move past your sexual limitations. Do you feel a little fear sharing a long held fantasy with your partner? Try sharing it and see what happens! Have you ever experimented with your partner with one-way touch and sensual massage? Bring out the oil! Give yourself the room to explore all of the various ways you can allow pleasure into your life.

You can welcome sex back into your relationship. You don’t have to wait until you solve all of the problems that occur in a long term relationship. Don’t be stalemated by old conflicts, grudges, and who did the dishes last. You might be surprised to discover that when you welcome sex back into your relationship in a conscious and warm way – all of those old issues may start to feel less important after all.