First Joke of the Day – ‘Things You Will Never Hear A Man Say’

Never hear a man say

Things You’ll Never Hear A Man Say:

  1. Here honey, you use the remote.
  2. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
  3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
  4. While I’m up, can I get you anything?
  5. Honey since we don’t have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
  6. Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
  7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch Melrose Place.
  8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  9. We never talk anymore

Good Old Folk Wisdom

Folk Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
alone.
 
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
 
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going
to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to
do it.
 
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,
you can’t be promoted.
 
5. No one is listening until you fart.
 
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone
else.
 
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
 
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
10. The most wasted day of all is one in which we
have not laughed.
 
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
 
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
 
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
 
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember
anything.
 
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
windshield.
 
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
 
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
 
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.
 
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
 
21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
 
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when
your lips are moving.
 
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.
 
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass… then things get worse.
 
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
27. There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental
illness.”
 
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.
 
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your
birthday…around age 11
 
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

More Good Afternoon Comments

Ah, This Will Put A Smile On Your Face – Pondering old age

Pondering old age

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
“Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”
And I’m happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life’s competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the “obits”.
If my name is missing, I know I’m not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed

Reference:

AHAJokes.com

Lighten Up – The Ultimate Guide for ALL Men

The Ultimate Guide for All Men

 

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

We need… = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to What’s wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!