1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going
to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced,
you can’t be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. The most wasted day of all is one in which we
have not laughed.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when
your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just
after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass… then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting
other people to make a big deal about your
birthday…around age 11
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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