A Little Humor for Your Day – “Coven Rules”

Coven Rules

Dear Ones:
Every Coven should have some rules that people can look at so they know what sort of conduct is appropriate or inappropriate for members, and knowing them being helpful to harmony and fellowship within Coven. Here are a few that I am thinking about instituting:

~ ~ No coven member shall consume their weight in beans before arriving for ritual.
~ This has happened in the past, and the results can be devastating. It is unpleasant when 32 cubic yards of methane are unexpectedly released into the atmosphere within Circle, and other Coven members begin dropping to the floor unconscious, turning blue, gasping for air and struggling to keep from being overcome by the vapor. Add to this, the presence of the open flame of the candles on the altar and the quarter candles. Several years ago, the north wall of our altar room was blown clear out when the methane expelled was detonated by the flame of a single candle and the explosion that followed interrupted our rites. Please be considerate of others, and make every effort not to render them victims of a tragic episode, particularly as the Guardian of air is called. We evoke the power of the winds, but make every effort not to break wind.

~ ~ Some people feel a need to wear something on their feet while attending ritual.
~ It is suggested that slippers or socks might be acceptable. However, showing up for a skyclad ritual wearing nothing but cowboy boots is utterly unacceptable. This is particularly true if there should be actual shit clinging to those shit kickers!!!! This will definitely be frowned upon.

~ ~ If the rite is to be skyclad, please remember your position in space in relation to the candles.
~ While folks of another religion may appreciate the odd burning bush, we have noted this can lead to negative effects upon a Covener who carelessly fails to exercise due caution, and inadvertently ignites their genitalia! Remember folks, “Never Again the Burning Times” also applies to Witches in our Circle.

~ ~ When skyclad rites are conducted do not pluck a handful of hair from between the cheeks of the High Priest while his back is turned.
~ I would remind everyone that Rogaine is fairly expensive, and difficult to apply to one’s backside. Worse, creates the possibility some embarrassing moments. For example: Your High Priest was recently visiting a distant city and stayed in a motel near the interstate. Can you imagine the awkward moment which ensued when the maid entered the room to change the linen, only to find your High Priest standing on a chair with his pants bunched up in a pile around his ankles, his butt reflected in a mirror, as he tried with questionable results to aim the spray at his derriere? Oh, sure, we can laugh about it now… but such misfortunes present your High Priest with great dismay!

~ ~ Please use deodorant before arriving for ritual.
~ As we all raise our arms in welcome to the Lord and Lady, it would be nice if they are not dropped from the sky by an assault on their senses that leaves them crashing into the Circle by an unexpected blast that renders them incapacitated. If this can have that sort of effect upon the Gods themselves, how much more likely would it be to immobilize your brothers and sisters in Circle???

~ ~ When doing robed rituals, please lend some consideration to the material of which your robes are made.
~ Nogahyde is right out, as are robes that faintly resemble the battle regalia of Atilla the Hun! Similarly, while it may be cute, a robe festooned with images of Homer Simpson, Bart, and the rest of the Simpson family… are contrary to the atmosphere we are attempting to establish.

~ ~ Do not wear combat boots in Circle.
~ When doing rituals as a group outdoors, you will likely need something on your feet, but we tend to take a dim view of combat boots in Circle. It tends to establish the wrong ambiance.

~ ~ Curb your guide dog prior to circle.
~ If you are visually impaired, and must be accompanied into Circle by a guide dog, please make certain the animal has accomplished all of its duties outdoors, rather than simply showing up in the altar room and hoping for the best.

~ ~ Keep your dog by you!
~ On a similar note, it is nice if the animal is neutered. While it may be funny to see a Coven member trying to participate in a Spiral dance with your dog affixed to his leg, the Coven member is likely to form a resentment. Familiars are wonderful helpers to the Witch, so long as they do not become overly familiar!!!!

~ ~ Don’t score the High Priest and High Priestess!
~ Your High Priest and High Priestess, while appreciating the compliment, are nevertheless apt to take a dim view of their Coveners holding signs which have 9.3, 8.6, 9.5, 7.9 and such relating to performance and style points. Please remember this is Witchcraft, not the ABC Wide World of Sports!!!

~ ~ We will keep you apprised of any other rules which may need to be implemented as the need arises. Thank you for your cooperation.


—Author Unknown

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